Synopsis :: The most common question seems to be: “How do I identify a sociopath?” I believe it’s the wrong question.
Out of every 100 people, approximately 90 have at least one sociopath in their circle of friends. Those remaining 10 people are the sociopaths. Ballpark.
Estimates vary anywhere from 4% to 12% of those waiting in line with us at the grocery store are sociopaths. These personality disorders, categorized as sociopathic (or psychopathic), are very misunderstood by the public, especially in accepting the fact that they are extremely prevalent and dangerous. And that “danger” does not usually refer to physical violence.
I believe the first matter to deal with is to shed the denial. Of course, that’s very difficult to convince people of the reality … and for some, it’s virtually impossible. What is equally as 
prevalent and dangerous, as the condition itself, is the rampant denial. Those in denial will usually deny they’re in denial, too.
I used to get baffled as to why otherwise intelligent people would allow themselves to be controlled and manipulated. Intelligence actually has little to do with it. Psychopaths go after our emotions, are very shrewd and cunning, and are playing us right from the beginning. When they’re done, we believe we met one of the nicest people we know. It will be very difficult if we stay on the emotional level to ever see the truth.
Those who allow themselves to be manipulated are not only shallow, but are a big part of the problem. A sociopath’s power only grows with more blind followers, people I call “disciples.” My theory is that only a small minority of the population are true critical thinkers, though the majority would say they are.
Most psychopaths are never diagnosed, though, and that’s for one very simple reason: they do not want to be diagnosed. Most of the clinically-diagnosed psychopaths were already incarcerated and went through the clinical testing due to a court order. There is no blood-test-type diagnostic procedure providing a positive or negative result. The testing is quite complex.
“How do I identify a sociopath?”
That’s the most common question, and I believe, it’s the wrong question.
No matter what anyone tells you, attempting to conclusively identify a person as being a sociopath is nearly impossible, and the process itself can get you into deep trouble, as the sociopath’s next unwilling and unaware victim. Even if you waste an enormous amount of time doing your undercover, investigative work, and you conclude that the person in question is a sociopath, what would be your next step? How about: How do I protect myself from this sociopath?
It’s inevitable, but it’s your best first-line of defense. If you incorporate a system based in observation and correct reaction, you’ll be protected from sociopaths whether you suspect them or not. And when your system is fully implemented, it’s done from the subconscious level. It’s not something you think about … you just react appropriately.
“I don’t get it.”
And you won’t by the time you finish reading this post … but you’ll begin to. You’ll need to come back and build your arsenal. Nothing’s easy, but stick with this and you’ll get it.
Think about
I’ve seen data clearly state that male sociopaths outnumber female sociopaths. On one statistic, it stated there were four times as many male sociopaths as there are female. But allow me to make this suggestion: women are more likely to come forward with their stories of being victimized, more so than their male counterparts. I personally know this to be true, as I never came forward. And when violence erupts, women are also more likely to sustain injuries.
We do live in a country of liars, but so does everyone else on the planet. Lying crosses all perceived barriers: economic, gender, race, creed … it’s part of our global society. Sociopaths have embraced technology, using the power it provides to fulfill their personal agendas.
If there is one thing we can thank sociopaths for it would be for their indirect, and possibly unknown involvement on outlawing the use of polygraph testing in court. The polygraph itself — i.e., the lie-detector — uses very little science, though I certainly would not call it an art, either.
Its entire premise is based on recording a person’s physical changes — such as heart rate, blood pressure, perspiration, and breathing — brought on by the testee’s guilt from telling a lie, as determined by the tester’s opinion, watching and noting any physical changes, as well as those recorded by the seismograph-type gauges. A sociopath does not experience guilt; hence, the polygraph tester would report that the sociopath-testee “never lied once.”
The majority does not win.
One must always keep an open mind. Those who use their own brains, and not rely on others, have a much better chance of maintaining control of their own lives. Forget the notion that the majority wins. The majority is often comprised of a bunch of followers, those who rely on others to do their thinking for them.
Consider a large room full of people, all casually socializing. Everyone in that room knows the details of one specific event. A new person enters the room and mingles through the group, and over a period of time, hears the same story from multiple people … each indicating the same conclusion, and from the way they tell it, they know it from personal experience.
Question: How many times must the average person hear an unsubstantiated story (i.e., hearsay) before they accept it as true?
Not long ago, before technology was intertwined into our lives, even before the advent of the answering machine, it was not very easy to spread gossip quickly. But now, even someone sitting at work, can spread just-heard dirt to an unlimited number of people — hundreds, even — in just minutes. The potential is there.
Bad news travels fast.
So, let’s say someone hears something defamatory about a public figure (actor, politician, etc.), falling
Allow me to put that into perspective: let’s say it takes one person five minutes to send 20 emails. From the time that first person sent those 20 emails to their like-minded, gossip-spreading friends, and each of those friends spends the next five minutes forwarding it to 20 others — and so on —
Ready? What’s your guess? But first, did you understand the question? If in doubt, why not read it again to be sure. If you did understand the question, then the answer should not surprise you: sixty-four million people. Now, do you need to go back and read the question again? Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Since it takes five minutes for each mailing, 30 minutes can be split into six segments of five minutes each. Hence, there will only be six mailings. In the first five minutes, 20 people received the email.
Those 20 people each forward it to 20 more people, which means 400 people (20×20) have it during the second five-minute segment. The third five-minute segment results in 8000 people (20×400) reading the message. The fourth five-minute segment indicates that 160,000 people (20×8000) now have the email. The fifth mailing gets to a whopping 3.2 million (20×160,000). And by the final five-minute segment, the email has been forwarded to 64,000,000 bone heads. But that 64-million does not include all the previous recipients, so the actual number comes out to around 67,368,421.
Sociopaths are so evil, so manipulative and sinister, that virtually no one wants to accept the reality of a sociopath — whose own reality is lightyears from reality.
Their very real danger comes from the fact that they’ve had their entire life to learn the skills to create a public persona, a completely fabricated stand-out kind-of-person, one that seems to spew charm, concern, compassion, honesty, integrity, and morality. None of which they actually possess. Not in the least. But try to tell that to those who have been completely taken in by a sociopath, and they will defend that person unequivocally.
But for those with an open mind, those very few who stay on their toes, they may see a red flag, a warning from their own intuition. They sense something is not right — the spew-level is too high, way above the norm. A sociopath underscores the old advertising campaign of: “Perception and Reality.” And, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Time never makes for certainty.
In 2003, my sister, Kathy, lied to me about something I already knew the answer to. I thought it was quite benign until she lied about it, sending up a red flag for me. She obviously felt the need to hide something about it, so that’s what I needed to find out. Following up on it exposed that she had lied about many things in a short period of time, all relating to one event. Within 12-18 months, I had gathered enough inconsistencies and deceptions, when I was told exactly the fabricated lies she was telling people to assassinate my character.
I grew up with her, and witnessed her evil as a child, and feared her because of her ruthlessly vicious hostility against me. Yet I never even suspected her being a sociopath until I followed up on that one little lie. Kathy always had many “friends” but I realized none were close friends. By 2006, Kathy confirmed to be one of the most evil people I’ve ever known. I write a lot more about Kathy throughout this site.
People believe Kathy, yet if one pays the slightest attention to her, she’s a complete fake. One must question why she has never been able to maintain a job. She’s not intelligent, and does nothing … other than scheme, evidently. She has followers and disciples (including family), and when she sensed I was on to her, she easily got all of them to join in my banishment. People are so shallow.
Don’t let anything slide.
Throughout my life, when something didn’t seem right, I was never able to file it away until I made sense of it.
It is not as important to be able to identify sociopaths, as it is to always think for yourself — never allow someone else to think for you.
And never, ever, believe hearsay.
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Related Posts:
A family of sociopaths :: Part 1
Protect yourself from any sociopath.
Sociopaths are all the same … right?
What makes a sociopath so dangerous?
Psychopath/Sociopath: Similarities Outweigh Differences
Discovering Your Best Friend is a Sociopath
How do you spot a sociopath?
Identifying a Sociopath
AUDIO: Evidence from Recorded Phone Calls
Do School Administrators Help Young Sociopaths?
January 21st, 2010 at 18:42
If you cant get away or get the person out of your life, do you have any advice or experiences beating them down or running them off?
The one in my life has stolen my identity, tried to criminally frame me. Ive won the lawsuits so far but they keep upping the stakes. I need to take them out of the game
Advice?
January 21st, 2010 at 20:42
Your situation sounds as if you’re trapped.
I’d like to give this more focussed thought before I answer, but wanted to also open it up for suggestions by anyone.
January 26th, 2010 at 14:22
I must ask you to read my disclaimer on the legal page. It will state that I have no professional training in psychology, psychiatry, or even firearms … levity.
I cannot offer you any advice. The most I can do is share what I would do. As long as you’re aware this is not a recommendation or suggestion to you, you are welcome to continue reading. Our justice system (that being in the US) probably has a higher incident of sociopaths than the general public. The same goes for our elected officials. That’s my opinion, and I’m exercising my First Amendment Rights. Our justice system is severely broken. But I’ll save that for later.
>> “… beating them down or running them off …”
I would not even consider that. I know the strength and will that this kind of evil holds, and I would see it only as a suicide mission. They will not allow themselves to be beat.
If I were in that situation, I believe my only option would be to move … the further the better. That’s what I would do, and that’s what I will likely do soon. I’m at a place where I see that as my only real option. I will do it as secretively as I can, make it further than a one-day drive, and protect my new whereabouts as best as I can.
It’s relatively easy to find anyone nowadays, especially someone setting up a new household. I’m sure my sister was shocked last summer when I came across the real estate documentation on the Web, completely by accident, that she had bought a townhouse in Manhattan, moving from San Francisco. Even though she attempted to hide the move entirely from me, I not only had her new address, but I knew what she paid for it, the real estate agent, and who the seller was. So, I’d probably rent for a period of time, and ideally rent from a private party.
After that, I’d need to play everything by ear. I’d never be able to get rid of them, but I can do my best to vanish from them. If a job would be holding me back, it’s just another aspect that would need specific handling. Sanity, health and one’s wellbeing is number one.
And of course, this is only what I’m going to do, so wish me the best.
April 1st, 2011 at 11:22
I have a child with this man I am divorcing, and I’m in a custody battle with him. He is destroying my reputation and ruining my career and life. Can a lawyer help me for defamation of character and/or slander? or anything more ?
Help me to combat this insanity.
April 1st, 2011 at 17:00
Becca,
I think of any attorney as a hired gun.
They have the weapon, but you must provide all the ammunition — they have none on their own. Some attorneys shoot with a BB gun, others shoot with a howitzer cannon. You want to find one with a howitzer. Prepare to pay more, as you will get a bigger bang for your buck.
How do you find one? Referrals, research, go sit in a courtroom and watch for the attorneys who are successfully tough, but respectful of the court (i.e. the judge).
Tap your home phone to record discussions with your husband. Carry a wire to record discussions face-to-face (a “wire” could be as simple as an iPhone or iPod Touch with a microphone hidden on your body). Your word against his will be worth very little without hard evidence — he will charmingly lie under oath.
Ask your attorney to require a psychological evaluation for him, which will mean you will need to take one, too. You can also require drug testing.
Defamation of character and/or slander is verbal — you would need to have witnesses to corroborate your allegation. Libel is slander that is published — “published” could mean emails depending on your local laws.
I hope this helps, and I wish you the best. Understand, though, that it will be an uphill battle.
April 2nd, 2011 at 07:05
Thank you very much. I will stay strong and take your advice. I have my hiking boots on !
April 2nd, 2011 at 09:09
You’re welcome Becca. And hiking boots are easier to wear than a baseball bat is to carry.
January 10th, 2012 at 17:24
Yes, I am the victim of a sociopath (I prefer the name ‘psychopath’ as that is what they really are). The woman in question doesn’t even know me. That’s right, I’m a stranger, yet she’s gone out of her way to destroy my reputation and gossip me out of my community if she can. I refuse to leave. I will not break up a lifelong relationship and leave a happy home for a psycho, and that’s it. So I stay where I am and refuse to be manipulated by this evil woman.
Also, I think there are many more female psychopaths around than is generally thought. They do say that male psychopaths outnmuber female ones, but I am not sure their figures are correct. One reason is that there has been virtually no real studies done on female psychopathy; the other reason may be that female psychopaths might just be better at hiding it than their male counterparts, and of course, most people (psychologists included maybe) are less likely to want to believe that a woman can be a psychopath. But I’ve met quite a few female psychopaths in my lifetime, probably more than male ones and they can be evil and utterly ruthless.
I wish you all the best and don’t give up hope.
January 31st, 2012 at 02:33
I also have to wonder about that ratio. I’ve encountered at least a handful of sociopaths on the online world, all of them female, and have been targeted and abused by one in real life (my aunt – damaged me greatly, but sort of a very long story).
Right now, though, I’m witnessing a prime example of what you have written above. It’s an online “clique” of women, who are some of the most cruel, backstabbing, hypocritical and nasty people I have ever encountered. And they are all truly in denial. However, they didn’t all used to be that way. There is one in particular that set off my alarms immediately, the leader of the bunch. She fits that example of being too good to be true, as well as almost all the other classic signs of a sociopath.
She really gets off on bringing pain to those she doesn’t like, and loves to fight with people at every turn. Yet still, with all of these traits, she still has her followers back her up each time, and what is worse, praising her for a what a great person she is. I swear it makes my stomach turn when I see it. I sort of liken it to a cult mentality. Before I knew all they were about, they invited me into their fold, yet I quickly realized what it was about.
A slam group to talk bad about others behind their backs, and plan attacks on people in a public forum, and I knew this was not for me. I also could tell that the precious cult leader did not like me and was just waiting for a reason to launch an attack. Upon one of their regular online forum bashings, I decided to opt out of their forum attack on some individuals.
Because of this, the leader immediately went to work, tarnishing my rep and making stuff up to the other people about me. I left the group and thought perhaps it wouldn’t matter anymore if I just separated myself from them, but they followed me around through other routes and slammed me through passive aggressive, veiled attacks on the forums. It’s quite a scary thing to see, because I only believe one of them to be a sociopath, although one other woman is pretty hostile as well but she didn’t used to be that way.
Perhaps I could be wrong though, maybe it’s because I never knew her from the get go. But for most of them, a year ago or so, they were not like that. They seemed to change after joining the private group with this person. And I could not dare to even confront them on it. I’m quite confident that the reaction would be somewhat similar to what you would see in those videos on youtube, where people confront Scientologists.
They get all crazy and aggressive, and are in complete denial of what they willingly follow. It’s just a battle that can’t be won. I don’t have any de-programming skills to cope with this problem, so I’m doing all I can to avoid them. I didn’t fit into their group because I’m not a follower, and I can think for myself.
They claimed they wanted to be my friend, but what they really wanted was another attack dog for their gang of thugs.
February 2nd, 2012 at 00:59
Susie,
You’re correct: there really is no therapeutic diagnosis for sociopath. It was removed from professional use about 20 years ago, and replaced with the conditions (i.e., AsPD, APD, NPD, etc.). Most true psychopaths are not relegated to just one disorder.
It’s tough for me to imagine a psychopath just selecting someone at random to target. The wouldn’t necessarily know your friends, family, co-workers, etc. Are you in a small town?
I agree with you on your theory about female psychopaths. I’ve looked past my entire adult life and the far majority of what I would consider a true psychopath are women. But men, in general, are more violent … it’s the testosterone factor.
Although psychopaths and bullies are not the same, your consensus does remind me of my school days. Male bullies were blatantly aggressive and physical. Female bullies were much more prone to destroy their targets through tormenting and psychological means.
It is guesstimated that less than 5% of all psychopaths are incarcerated, and I believe those are all male. Of course, that means that we associate with the other 95% on a daily basis.
Those <5% psychopathic inmates account for over 20% of those incarcerated, and that 20% accounts for over 80% of all heinous crimes. It generally doesn’t even make the news unless a major crime occurs, and even then, it’s hardly mentioned.
The system is phuqued up and really needs an overhaul. As a simple analogy, in many states a person will do some time for smoking pot, a simple weed that the FDA has categorized at the same level as heroin. And while all that occurs, it’s almost impossible to legally expose a psychopath, someone who is destroying lives.
Psychopaths rely on devoted followers that will do just as they are instructed. That includes attacking other people’s characters. Who else is like that? Politicians rely on devoted followers (the Party) that will do just as they are instructed. And it’s expected that politicians will attack their opponents and other people characters for their personal gain. How similar.
And then there are judges. Many are elected so they need followers, and the judges follow closely in the politicians footsteps. And look at the supreme court … appointed by sitting presidents. Those appointed judges have undoubtedly been disciples of their political party. Not just appointed, but appointed for life. No one whatsoever should be given a tenure for life.
So coming full circle, our court system — both attorneys and judges — have many of the same traits as any typical psychopath. They thrive on power. Judges have the power to send people to their deaths. What’s the point? There are many dangerous people locked up for life with no possibility for parole … isn’t that enough? I digressed.
But, if I were to guess, based on my own experiences, I’d suggest that there are more female psychopaths than males. They’re just more conniving and sinister.
February 2nd, 2012 at 01:00
Hi Renee,
You have strength and intelligence. You saw the red flags, albeit as small as they were. You did the right thing by bailing.
But the fact that you were invited into their little circle, stayed briefly then left, you are now a perceived threat to them. You know too much. You know that those charming personas are all just an act. The risk you precent to them, based on their own paranoia, is that you will be somehow able to expose them. But a typical person cannot go up against a sociopath the wrath of a sociopath.
The term I coined is “offensive revenge” as they likely already placed you at the top of their “to-do” list. I would bet they began to assassinate your character as soon as they felt you were not one of them.
The character assassination against me began years before I ever knew it, and I’ve been able to track mine back to the first year of my marriage with Julie. I recently came across a notebook of draft letters to her mom where she was placing the blame on me for all her improprieties. After 12 years of marriage, I always wondered why her mom never liked me.
I’m sorry to say, but you can never really consider that they’ve forgotten about you. Identify the people in your life, ones that you can truly trust, and confide in them. Ideally, these people have no contact with that circle of evil.
And if you can, find a good psychologist with psychopathy training and experience. They are not easy to find. If you make an appointment with one, your agenda for that first appointment is to analyze them. Have you list of questions with you so you can determine if the therapist really does understand, above what is common knowledge.
I wish you peace.
February 16th, 2012 at 01:43
Hello all!
Thanks to this website I am now armed with the truth and taking that truth to court to stop the family sociopath before they locate another victim.
Since I last posted here I have been accused (not to my face but to my adult children and the rest of the family) of the following …
1.) Stealing money out of my mothers’ checking account.
2.) Signing a life insurance policy check for $15,000.
3.) Conning or forcing my mother to take out a $15,000 loan on HER HOME and I took the money and refused to pay the note for mother.
My two children have not spoken to me for three years over this. When my 40 year old son confronted me about the above accusations I calmly sat down and said, ‘First of all, how does life insurance work? It only pays death benefits AFTER someone dies and you have to present a death certificate and it takes WEEKS after a death to get one and you have to PAY to get them. Has anyone died? No they have not.’
‘Secondly, I have NEVER signed a check of my mothers’, I have written a few but never have I ever signed one. I have however gotten cash from her checking at the ATM and taken the cash directly back to my mothers’ for her to spend on auto repairs, auto fuel, groceries, Walmart, Dollar General, medications and the reciepts for all that she has spent in cash are on her table in the living room of her home. Mother pays all her bills with checks or auto withdrawal and spends cash for everything else. Check the bank statements.’ Then I brought up mothers’ account online and PROVED I had not signed or stolen a damn thing.
The next day I went to the recorder of deeds office and looked up all the loans that had ever been taken out on mothers’ home, paid for certified copies and took them to my son. With those I showed my son who signed the notes and the dates they were taken out and paid off. I also told him this …. ‘There are two places in this world you can count on entering and being seen on video servelence tapes and that would be …. a gambling casino and a bank and if you’re signing papers they have the ability to ZOOM IN on your signature and your face when you are signing anything in a bank. I have NEVER signed a note not even on my own home or even gone to a bank with mother when she borrowed money on her home, MY FACE and signature WILL NOT BE FOUND on any servelence tapes or papers. You dear son can take THAT FACT to the bank!’
Upon closer examination of all the recorded documents my son and I discovered that one had been forged. I proved that with copies, again certified copies, of marriage license applications from the same recorder’s office along with copies of drivers licenses!
Since that time my mother has passed away and the sociopath has been willed EVERYTHING my mother had and mother disinherited the remainder of her children, back in 1997. The sociopath was kind enough to hand myself and another sibling our copies of mothers’ will less than five minutes before mothers’ funeral services began!
The sociopath lives 200 miles from mother and rarely visited. The sociopath has laid claims that sociopath and spouse have been paying ALL mothers’ bills and her taxes, again all lies and bank statements prove that fact.
My son confronted the sociopath and spouse on mothers’ sidewalk and son told the sociopath that they needed to be sure and send the life insurance company a death certificate so they could collect that $15,000 I had cashed in BEFORE mother died. You dear sociopath are THE ONLY beneficiary on that policy! You LIED!
Sociopath’s Spouse said; ‘What did you say?’ Son repeated everything and sociopath stated that was NOT the life insurance policy it was ANOTHER policy mother had taken out for (drum roll please!) $250,000 and I had stolen all the other four siblings AND all the grandchildrens’ inheritence!
Yesterday was valentine’s day … my step daughter had to take off work and take 13 year old grandson out of school and drive 45 miles into the county I live in to speak with a sheriff deputy about some pictures that had been ‘dropped off’ at his office.
Sociopath sibling had filled out a report on the pictures one of wihich was of a young boy being held down in our living room floor on Christmas day about 8 years ago. It seems that sociopath sibling was accusing my husband of being a pedofile and of molesting his OWN GRANDSON! Sociopath sibling claims I took the picture and printed it at mother’s home and left it there on top of mother’s piano. I did not take the picture, my sopuse is NOT a pedofile, the nephew in the picture has to drive 250 miles this friday, miss a day at work, and meet the deputy in person to explain the taking of the picture or, charges will be filed against my spouse.
First of all, my mother and my stepfather never had any health or life insurance. My step father died in 1981 and mother was 46 years old. She remarried less than six months after my stepfather died, then divorced about 5 years later. She went to work waiting tables in a local restaurant and DID NOT have the financial means to PAY THE PREMEIUMS on a $250,000 life insurance policy. She had high blood pressure and was on medication for that when my step father passed away. Premeiums go up with age and health conditions. When mother passed away, she was 76 years old and had COPD, crippling arthritis, fybermialgia, spinal stenosis, degenerative disc desease, was on blood thinners, and thyroid medications and anti-depressants and had been on all medications for over 10 years.
Son, a sibling and myself have retained an attorney. We are heading to court SOON. The charges to name a few will be …. morgage fraud, bank fraud, title fraud, forgery, elder abuse, elder neglect just to mention a few. Sociopath sibling and spouse will soon be facing no less than 35 year in prison for all their lies.
Thank you so much for this website for without it I would never have known what to or been able to keep my whits about me and get to this point in time where I can stop a sociopath from attacking another unsuspecting victim.
I’m not after money or mother’s home and possessions, I just want the sociopath and spouse to learn a valuable lesson and to pay for the treatment that was doled out to my mother during her final days here on this earth. They were pure torture for me and even worse on my mother. THANK GOD she’s resting now safe away from all this in Heaven.
My daughter has not come as far as my son has, she still hangs on and believes every word the sociopath says.
May 1st, 2012 at 16:30
Hello Larry, thanks for this website.
I am seeking your advice in a very complex matter, you have a lot of insight even more so than some of the psychologists I have gone to for ideas/help.I have a 6 year old niece who happens to be my brother’s daughter. She is very loving with me, very intelligent, and in 1st grade. My brother’s wife my sister-in-law (SIL) is abusing her child to an extreme.
She has complete control of her daughter. She consumes most of her time. SIL is a bank teller and works 2 saturdays/month for 3 hrs and this is when I visit my niece. SIL is very oppositional and controlling with her child. If my niece is happy she has a spring break, immediately she trains her to say the next day, she cannot wait to go back to school.
My niece loves vanilla shakes, SIL has replaced it with chocolate and my niece only asks for chocolate shakes and it is her favorite. I do tell my niece as long as we know we are pretending…SIL has isolated the child from having a relationship from any family member. My brother is still married to her, does not care about anything else, tells me she is the mother she can do whatever she wants. She does not listen to him and he is ok with that.
She sends my niece to school even with a temp of 102 if SIL can’t stay home with the kid. My mother lives with them and my niece is not allowed to say more than a few words to her, that too as per SIL’s instructions. My mother is sad for her grand daughter, but looks the other way because she likes her living arrangement and helps them out with their mortgage. It upsets me to see my niece being abused, my brother’s answer is “who asked you to love her?”
They do not like when I visit because the kid is very close to me, and I validate her. She used to ask me at age 3 why is mommy is always yelling at me. When I am ready to leave the kid pleads with me to stay longer. SIL is very jealous of this so she destroys the child’s spontaneous behavior and makes her act the opposite. For example she would make my niece ask me why did I come, I look tired.
My niece acts like a complete programmed robot and obeys her mother to a T. As she is getting older my SIL is able to control her even more. Even on a Saturday she instructs my niece exactly what projects to do until she gets home. So my niece is stressed about finishing what mommy has told her to do, she forgets to enjoy her time with me, her dad or her grandma. She has her in 5 different classes, has about 4 play dates a week. My SIL is happy to leave her kid with a neighbor, but not with family who loves the kid on a deeper level.
SIL punishes the kid in a very hidden way, makes her play in the snow for 2 hrs in 12 degree weather, makes her run 10 laps around the park, overfeeds her, starves her, sleep deprivation,or count yourself to sleep, silent treatment, yelling for getting a B+, holding her bladder,sending her to school sick, because she does not want my niece to be cared for by her loving grandmother. My niece has learned to pretend, act, and lie, so her mother would look good. SIL is ruining her child, destroying her inhibitions, confusing her, interfering with her instincts and intelligence.
SIL recognizes that her daughter is not a psychopath, and is very normal, she is enraged at that. At 3 when my niece would get scared of thunder SIL would tell me “she is acting, she is not scared.” Who would say a thing like that? I am scared of thunder sometimes! My niece is very girly, loves long hair, SIL cut her hair like a boy, my niece cried for weeks and did not even want to go to school. SIL told my brother her daughter will die for her!
My niece is very depressed, pretending and stressed all the time, acts like a programmed robot, plays with who her mother asks her to play with (usually kids who are mean to my niece), smiles when mommy says to smile, has no spontaneity or excitement of a child, exhibiting unnatural behavior because of SIL’s programming, I see my niece changing right before my very eyes, but I do get to see glimpses of her the real her still and I hope she holds on to that and does not lose her identity. SIL volunteers at her daughter’s school, is extremely nice to all her neighbors, has her boss at work fooled, nobody would even believe her cruelty!
She tells my brother to stay home and tells everyone only she drives her daughter everywhere, my brother is very lazy, and a poor dad. I am worried about my niece’s self respect and am afraid she may think putting up with bullying and abuse is normal. I have thought about reporting anonymously, but SIL is very clever in a devious way, there is no physical bruising, and has the teacher and the neighbors thinking she is a great mother. My niece tells me her neighbor kid (7 year old boy) is mean to her, but she still runs after him, begging him to play with her, because it pleases mommy. I feel very helpless, what is your advice?
Thanks for reading and listening and thanks for this site!!!
May 1st, 2012 at 17:12
CaringAunt,
You must feel very helpless at this point, but there may be other avenues still open to you. I suggest that you contact your county’s Department of Family and Children Services (DFCS). At least from my experience, their primary goal is to protect and care for the wellbeing of children.
They have the ability to meet with children at their schools, though that may take a school administrator’s intervention, meaning that someone from the school contacts DFCS with concerns for the child. DEFCS works closely with the court system to protect kids from abuse, and that is beyond just physical abuse.
It sounds, though, that she has been physically abused when you described the way she was made to eat. There’s no scars, but that doesn’t mean it’s not physical abuse.
I would suggest you make an appointment with one of the DFCS investigators and bring all your notes. Bullet-point out the abuses as you see them and be prepared to leave the document with them. They will always meet privately with the child, without a parent being present. If anything, they’ll be on your side.
I wish you the best.
May 16th, 2012 at 05:20
I have recently terminated a friendship that was 34 years old. After moving closer to this friend i unwittingly exposed myself to her sinister behaviour aimed at destablising me and making me dependent on her.
Luckily for me I am not the type pf person who readily ‘comes to heel’. One example of her managing behaviour was to refuse to speak to a fifth person to join our little group, and when the new neighbour did not move away, she actually turned her back on her! Her husband followed suit. It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life!
Apart from the fact that i have becoome ‘public enemy number 1′ and so marked for retribuition, I have realised that this woman’s children have been the victims of her emotional qbuse for their entire lives. The daughter has been persistently labelled insane, had the police set on her. her employment interfered with when the mother feels obliged to let the employer know that the daughter has mental health issues.
I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to see the needs of these young people. I feel like we are currently involved in a losing battle but it has to be fought. These sinners against society get away with too much