Synopsis :: What’s the first image that comes to mind when you think of a sociopath? Is it a crazed, demented, serial murderer? Or, is it that special person in your office who everyone likes, always seems happy, willing to help others, and generally, just a real charming individual?
Yes, sociopaths are all the same in one aspect: each one is human (or resembles a human). There are no known canines.
Let’s evaluate this and determine the truth. If all sociopaths are the same, then it becomes a black-and-white issue. To avoid distraction, let’s take it to a very basic level using dots. A black dot and a white dot.
Which color dot is a sociopath?
Both black dots and white dots have a lot in common, though some people think they’re quite opposite [I don't see that].
• Black cannot be any lighter, nor can it get darker. Black is black.
• White cannot be any darker, nor can it get lighter. White is white.
The same holds true for hue … neither one can have one.
• Black can either be the absence of all color or the inclusion of all color.
• White can either be the absence of all color or the inclusion of all color.
So with all their similarities (and those opposite theories), there can be only one black and one white.
Like pregnancy. A woman is either pregnant, or not. She cannot be somewhat pregnant, or just one-third as pregnant as the next pregnant woman.
That’s black-and-white.
Remember, this is about sociopaths.
If sociopaths could be thought of in either black or white, then they would all be the same.
Just like all white dots are white, and all black dots are black … all sociopaths would be just like Hannibal Lecter. Easy, but wrong.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Most blend in better than you or I.
If not pregnant, then what?
A sociopath is more like vision. Example: two people, both nearsighted.
The first, diagnosed as nearsighted, has borderline perfect vision. This person only needs to wear correction if they want to read street signs while driving … say 20/30 vision, uncorrected.
The other, also diagnosed nearsighted, has been told they will soon not be able to drive at all, since they are currently borderline legally-blind. That means even with the best correction, they can’t even read their speedometer … let’s say about 20/400 vision, corrected.
Between these two extremes are an infinite number of possible variations.
That’s a huge gray area.
I just stepped in some gray area. It stinks, doesn’t it?
Yes, gray area can really stink, especially if you’re used to dealing with black-and-white. And although I believe that includes most everyone, there seems to be many more black-and-white answers than there are qualifying black-and-white questions. I don’t believe most issues are black-and-white anymore.
Life is too complex.
But in lieu of real black-and-white issues, a high percentage of people, if not the majority, attempt to force-fit gray issues into black-and-white parameters. A gray issue requires actual thinking … a few seconds to blurt-out a yes or no does not qualify. Thinking puts a demand on people that most equate to a waste of time. They either exercise the blurt, go with someone else’s solution, or maybe just follow someone else’s ongoing instructions.
For them, life is too complex.
Do we all need to think if someone will do it for us?
Phuque no! Why would anyone want to start now. If it “ain’t broke” why fix it? Going along with the majority has always worked in the past. This [the US] is a free country, right? [sic] You’re free to be as gullible and ignorant as you want to be … and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Let’s listen to Mildred, a close friend
“Chris warned me about people who are obviously jealous
From my own experience, when I’ve told anyone who knows my sister, Kathy, that Kathy is a sociopath, the responses are all fairly similar.
• They stop replying to my emails.
• They never return my calls.
• They refuse to look at my evidence, likely figuring they will only encourage someone who’s obviously lost his mind.
• They’ll tell my sister what I said about her. She laughs and tells them that I’ve become paranoid … strange, but that they believe.
Paranoia is often associated with psychotic illnesses, sometimes even schizophrenia[1]. So, that’s believable, but a sociopath?
Jeffrey Dahmer was a sociopath. Kathy is not like Jeffrey Dahmer, so Kathy cannot be a sociopath. Therefore, Larry must be a paranoid. [sic]
All bad logic by gullible people. Ignorant, too. Ignorance is based on the word “ignore”… and if they did not ignore my evidence, they may, just possibly, draw a different conclusion. Breath-holding not recommended.
I’ve seen a gray scale … there’s only a handful of grays.
Think of a black-and-white fractal which includes every conceivable gray. A fractal is an illustration created by a mathematical equation that never ends … at least no one has been able to find an end.
It continues to draw the same pattern, over and over, into itself. Therefore, I suggest, if the pattern itself is infinite, so must be the grays.
Questions?
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Related Posts:
A family of sociopaths :: Part 1
Protect yourself from any sociopath.
Sociopaths are all the same … right?
What makes a sociopath so dangerous?
Psychopath/Sociopath: Similarities Outweigh Differences
Discovering Your Best Friend is a Sociopath
How do you spot a sociopath?
Identifying a Sociopath
AUDIO: Evidence from Recorded Phone Calls
Do School Administrators Help Young Sociopaths?
[1] Source: Wikipedia.org
“Mildred” and “Chris” are imaginary characters, and are not intended to refer to anyone, alive or dead. I used “Chris” since it could be either male or female.
December 1st, 2009 at 12:25
My ex husband is a narcissistic sociopath. My brother is a psychopath. I think that both my mother and sister have NPD. I have nothing to do with my mother and siblings but my ex husband is not so easy to cut contact with as we have two children.
I can identify with everything on your blog.
A tragic paradox of sites like this is, that whilst my heart goes out to you as I know what you have been and what you are going through, it helps to know that we are not alone.
Thank you for writing your blog.
December 2nd, 2009 at 22:57
Welcome Sandra,
There are many who will read this and think that your relatives, just like mine, are the rare example of a dysfunctional family, or that you and I have wild imaginations … or worse.
The only rare aspect, I believe, is that you and I are uniquely intelligent, and are willing to keep our eyes and our minds open to the truth that we uncover — as painful as it may be — the truth we arrive at in evaluating experience.
Just as most physical ailments and diseases are carried in our DNA, so too are personality disorders. It’s a very prevalent problem that clearly falls under “denial” for most people.
Thank you for taking the time to share.
February 11th, 2010 at 14:23
Dearest Lar,
I’ve read a lot about you in this site. Your touching story not only feels so very real to me as I envision every moment you lived, it highlights some of my own personal experiences with my biological father. His abuse towards us kids & especially my mother is etched deep in my thoughts & memories. We cannot erase the scars. We were fortunate to escape the country while he was in custody and I thank my lucky stars every day!
Your life & experiences, no matter what this sounds like, shaped you into who you are today. Wounded yet stronger on the inside and out & you matter to the world you live in & which you share with people like me. You are here now to help, guide & teach others about sociopaths. Without your past, we perhaps would have never had the pleasure of knowing you to call you our friend. Thank you for sharing your blog. HUGS ♥
February 18th, 2010 at 13:46
Dearest Janette,
I have read your words many times, and not once have they failed to move me. I have but to say a very sincere thank-you for your kindness and support.
Lar
February 18th, 2010 at 17:48
Hi Larry
Got flipped back to your article when looking for some validation again.
The targets of sociopaths may nor always be the same either but we certainly have a lot in common…..
For example, a couple of name/gender & other minor changes here and there…
“From my own experience, when I’ve told anyone who knows my brother D or my ex-huband M, that D/M is a sociopath, the responses are all fairly similar.
• They stop replying to my emails.
• They never return my calls.
• They refuse to look at my evidence, likely figuring they will only encourage someone who’s obviously lost her mind.
• They’ll tell my brother/ex-husband what I said about him. He laughs and tells them that I’m crazy … strange, but that they believe.
Crazy is often associated with psychotic illnesses, sometimes even schizophrenia[1]. So, that’s believable, but a sociopath?
Harold Shipman was a sociopath. Ian Brady is a sociopath.
D/M is not like Harold Shipman or Ian Brady, so D/M cannot be a sociopath. Therefore, S must be crazy.”
February 19th, 2010 at 06:55
Hi Sandra,
That’s what I call “textbook” sociopathic characteristics. As different as they can appear outwardly, behind that uniquely-individual persona, they are all very much the same.
Thanks for your comment.
Larry
November 13th, 2010 at 23:14
I too have been affected by sociopaths. They’re drawn to me like moths to a fire. My ex partner and best mate are both sociopaths. It took me 20 years to figure out what all the confusion, lies and gut feelings were about. Yes, they can be quite different but they all have the same patterns once you know what to look for. It’s almost like they follow it to the letter. Lie, cheat, steal, manipulate – get caught – disconnect – reconnect then repeat. All the lies mean nothing to them, so they hold no grudges; they forget most of their bs lies anyway.
Mind games are their thing, they get off on gloating about misdeeds they’ve done to a point where I’ve watched people just ignore or laugh when they’re “joking” when they are basically telling them to their face what they’re doing.
My relationship with me ex left me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually drained. I was left feeling like a zombie on auto pilot. My train of thought was that foggy everything became a challenge and my short term memory was completely shot. After almost 1.5 years of being apart from this nightmare my mind is clear, all the lies and deception become clear and i no longer get anxiety issues. Which I’ve had with my ex for almost the entire 10 years we were together.
The screwed up part is one some level i miss my EX, even though she showed her true colours in the end. A cold, cold evil person with no remorse / empathy for anything or anyone. I missed the person she pretended to be. Once in a while she showed glimpses of her true nature, getting angry over small things, pretending to faint for attention, lying over just about every medical thing possible, she claimed she had dyslexia, bulimia, raped by family members, next door neighbours etc. By the end of our relationship she was sick every single weekend. In the end my mind got that foggy i just couldn’t keep up and ended up sleeping most of the time. I was just so exhausted.
Why am i saying all this? i donno, maybe to get some of this crap of my chest, maybe someone else will read this and see the same things are happening to them and research “anti-social personality disorder” hopefully it helps someone.
November 14th, 2010 at 00:15
SoulMan,
Thank you. Please feel free to write more, as I would guess it’s more therapeutic for you than you may realize. I began this site as a place to piece my shattered life together, with no expectations at all. The traffic has been mind-boggling.
You’d think that with so many victims on the planet, that it would be a regular topic covered in mass media. But I’ve come to believe that some of the most successful people in any chosen field: politics, medicine, law, mass media, etc., have simply used their personality disorder to achieve what they have, by using the same tactics that any sociopath uses: other people to fulfill their own agenda.
Politics, especially, seems to be made for sociopaths. Which is why I settled on Country of Liars as the name of this site.
Hang in there.
November 19th, 2010 at 01:00
Although i’m over the anxiety, i still have some fears when doing things that were once upon a time (before the ex) easy for me. I have a few questions i wonder if anyone could answer. I’m guessing it depends on the person. In relation to yourselves.
Did you get past the fears?
Did you trust again? Or, is it more about learning to trust myself first?
Do you ever get that feeling that you’ve gotten your soul back?
It felt as if my soul was completely sucked out of me.
I’ve got a feeling most will say push yourself to do things you normally wouldn’t. I have been but it feels as if it’s taken longer to get past this then i want it too.
April 29th, 2011 at 03:54
My situation is very real. My sister is trying to hurt me in every way right now. My family and i r suffering because of it. I dont know what to do. I just want her to fade away some how. i cut her off and the revenge from her i suffer is tremendous through family and aquantances.
April 29th, 2011 at 05:16
Kitten,
I feel strong anxiety in your words, even a sense of panic … I know these feelings well. Try to find someone to speak with, a psychologist or psychiatrist would be best and safest. Who you used to be able to confide in before may not be safe now.
As you are feeling, the evil is mind boggling. Read as much as you can online to educate yourself. Understanding what you are dealing with will help you cope. Take one day at a time.
Take care of yourself.
July 12th, 2011 at 17:01
I, probably like everybody visiting this site, have expereinced a relationship with a sociopathic partner, a nightmare that lasted for five years and ended only recently. I have since read a lot on the topic, and I would say gained rather a lot of insight through this and many weeks of thinking, both before and after the end of that relationship.
This is why I would like to disagree with you on this point. Of course I understand the example you give, but I do think it focusses on the outsider’s point of view, leading to a wrong answer. It is correct that two sociopaths never will be identical or act absolutely predictably – which is true for any mental disorder. It is also true that lots of people are not willing to understand that axe-wielding and crying “Here’s Johnny!” are not required behaviour of a sociopath. The outsider accordingly needs to educate himself to understand the real characteristics of sociopathy, which will enable him to see combinations of these characteristics in the varied persons they meet. In this, you are correct.
However, sociopaths, at the core of their being, ARE all the same. They are little more than automatons, human bodies inhabited by a brain bent on survival, maximising personal gain and satisfaction of basic needs. Their individual pasts and presents shape them to completely different forms of character, but a true sociopath is always the same PERSON as the next one, because they lack the deeper emotions that determine who, rather than what, we are.
You and me are not only different because I’m an Austrian, speak German, have a different job, a different social background etc. We are different because our emotions give us different goals in our lives, different outlooks on life itself and different opinions in moral matters. Not everything we do or want is for egotistical reasons.
Or, put more simply: I would die for my children without a second of hesitation. You might do the same or not, because your sense of self preservation is too great, or because the relationship to you child was shattered, or because there are other children that also depend on you or… there are a thousand possible answers.
The sociopath will not die for his children. Never. Because, in the end, every sociopath is alone on this world, the only sentient being that matters to him.
In this, they are all equal, and in this, they are all predictable.
December 25th, 2011 at 01:43
I like that you wrote this article.
I am diagnosed with AsPD, and any time I try to explain this to someone they think I’m just going to end up killing them. True, I would kill someone given the right opportunity without any legal punishment, but I’m not a savage uncontrollable serial killer.
The ignorance of people amaze me.
December 26th, 2011 at 16:25
Hi Sylvia,
Thank you … I felt my article covered an important misconception.
I’ve got a few questions, if you don’t mind:
Most diagnosed sociopaths (i.e., with AsPD) do not generally tell people about their condition because they use the condition for their own benefit, so …
Like everyone else here, you will remain completely anonymous. I do hope you will answer these questions and explain anything else you’d like. We’d all like to know more.
Thanks.