At least in my case, I never set out to identify a sociopath. For me, it was usually just a naïve accident, being somewhere to either see or hear something, or innocently ask about something I saw or heard.
I’ve stepped in it twice … with almost ten years in-between. Frankly, I didn’t step in it the second time, I fell into it.
If you become suspicious of someone as being a sociopath, you’ve got a couple choices, but with either one, you must be careful and stay observant. How do you become suspicious in the first place? The red flag. Something hits you as just not right. And it matters not how long you’ve known that person, as it could be someone you’ve known all your life.
I know that, for sure. I had just turned 50 when I discovered and confirmed that my oldest sister, Kathy, is a sociopath. Since then, she has done such damage to my character that it will probably never be undone.
Keeping observant does not mean being paranoid, it means being smart. Do not talk about it with anyone, as in no one at all — especially someone who’s known them for years. The longer someone is friends with a sociopath, the more they’ll defend them, and likely mention the discussion to their sociopath friend.
And just that quickly, you became a huge threat to the sociopath, because you have the ability to expose them … something they cannot risk. They will not wait to be in a position to defend themselves … they will go on the offensive immediately and you’ll be the target.
The sociopath knows they would be an instant outcast, and depending on their level, possibly even incarcerated. It has been estimated that half of all prison inmates are sociopaths. That does not mean that half of all sociopaths are behind bars. Which for me, simply begs the question: are we incarcerating bad people, or sick people?
These two options are virtually opposite, and are meant to suggest how to avoid certain risks:
1) You carefully avoid that person, especially in an office environment. Do your very best not to show any discomfort being around them, or that you treat them differently than anyone else. But do not allow that person to get close to you. Keep your distance, but watch your back. Keep an eye out for any other flags.
2) You work undercover, being as discrete as the best of investigators, and definitely not telling even one other person what you suspect or are doing — that means absolutely no one. Not your spouse, or even your dog (someone could overhear you).
At that level of commitment, you could either prove or disprove that the person you suspected is a sociopath. Could as in it’s possible, but definitely not easy, guaranteed, nor safe. So, let’s say you prove to yourself, without a shadow of a doubt, that the long-time friend you’ve been investigating is, indeed, a sociopath.
Now what? I would suggest looking for a new job out-of-state.
If you stick around, there’s a good possibility that you will slip-up … in a month, maybe a year … and without knowing it, you just became a target, who will eventually become the victim of callous, malicious and undermining assaults — at a level you could never imagine, and one you are completely unprepared to deal with.
Why? Because that sociopath now knows you have the knowledge to expose them for who they really are. And that is the biggest fear of a sociopath — exposure.
By the time you discover your victim status, and attempt to recover from it, it will likely be too late. At that point, I would suggest looking for a new job out-of-state.
Even though my professional career has always been in the creative field, I believe I was born a natural analyst (using that ‘other’ hemisphere). Anything that comes into my data center (i.e., brain) is instantaneously scanned for bad, conflicting, or simply questionable data — all performed unconsciously.
If a flag of any size appears, or that data raises a question I cannot immediately resolve, that incoming information is not filed away until I can take the time to make sense of it.
In some cases, that has proven to be a huge curse.
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Related Posts:
Discovering Your Best Friend is a Sociopath
How do you spot a sociopath?
Identifying a Sociopath
AUDIO: Evidence by Recording Phone Calls :: Part 1 [multi-part]
Do School Administrators Help Young Sociopaths?
One Small Lie = One Huge Revelation :: Part 1 [multi-part]
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:10
I really appreciate your take on this disorder. And it is very important that you not talk to anyone (save for a counsellor), or talk to someone who has been on your side of the abuse/vendetta/smear campaign/etc.. It took me a while to understand the insidiousness with which this person tried actively to ruin my marriage (well, successfully for a time; but my spouse did eventually come home to work on our marriage).
But I still am having a hard time convincing my spouse that this person is not his friend, and an even harder time getting my spouse to recognize that, not only were they not friends, but that there was some definite erosion of the soul happening, and distinct changing of the fundamental personality .
If enough time passes, the people they have targeted think they have *changed*, and they feel bad themselves for not having spent any time with them. They rely on your good conscience to keep you feeling like you owe them something, when really, they feel just the opposite.
Yep. If your life has been turned upside-down by rumours, projection, and insanity, look at the only person who is seemingly flawless and without fault at all. You either have your instigator, or, in my case, your sociopath.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:12
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I think I’m going to stop trying to explain, even to those who ask, what it’s like getting trapped by a sociopath (one or more).
My experience has been that people are so oblivious to the possibility of people around them (i.e., sociopaths) who are actually capable of such behavior, maintaining dual personas, etc., that they turn on me, and think I must be nuts. (well, everyone is, but not like that ; )
And then there are those people, too, who are so buried in denial, that they refuse to look at substantiation that will prove the allegation. Those characters baffle me … they would prefer to listen to lies, over viewing the truth.
I’ll save them for another lifetime.
February 27th, 2010 at 20:49
I just read these posts and I have seen my life in this text. I also have an older sister who has done everything to alienate me from both my immediate and extended family and my friends simply because I refused to be her “champion” any longer. I moved over 500 miles away. It also took me to 50 years of age to really figure out what she is. There is this hole where my heart used to be.
June 17th, 2010 at 11:49
If what you say is true, and you still have to communicate with this sociopath… on a regular basis…and they already know that you believe that they are a sociopath…and are fully aware that they have done unspeakable things to you…but, you share a child! What do you do then.
I already moved away and he has limited visitation, but it is unsupervised and long 10 day periods four times a year and twice a week skype visitation. I fear for my sons safety, he is only three and knows too much already because he watch his dad hurt his mommy for over a year. I cant do anything about it, every time I see him you can only imagine the fear that floods me. I keep quiet and distant.
What can I do now to protect my son?
June 17th, 2010 at 22:57
FM…
Muffin states the very sad truth. It’s best not to believe it will ever go away, but do not lose of hope. I do not need to communicate with my ex much more as my kids are out of high school. It’s my own siblings who are my worst nightmare.
I don’t believe I ever really read of a sociopath just giving up on victims — it an evil enjoyment they find and hold onto. Unfortunately, your pain will stick around. There may be hope for your child, but your child could also inherit the bad gene. I was granted full custody of my son (then 4) and daughter (then 2). I walked away from a successful advertising career to be here for them. I watch both my kids take on their mother’s characteristics in about their middle teens.
I never said a negative thing about their mom, but she did not play by my same rules. Though they trusted me implicitly and the would ask me about things they mom told them about me — which made me cringe — but I’d calmly say, “Are you sure she said that … that doesn’t sound right … does it to you?” They’d always say “no, we didn’t think so.”
Their mom and hubby #4 abused my son, and he cut off most communication with them in his early teens. The system continually failed us. Now in his second year of college year, has no dealings with her. On the other hand, I let my guard down when my daughter was 14, and her mom kidnapped her, with the blessing of our judicial system. She made up a list of lies, and because I had all truth but no attorney (I couldn’t afford one) she proved nothing but the judge gave my daughter to her. She bribed my daughter by saying she’d have all the freedom she wanted.
I have not seen my daughter for her entire high school years — all four. The Superior Court judge who did that, coincidentally, just resigned during this past month in disgrace. I’m sure more and more stories will surface about him. He seems very narcissistic.
Best of luck to you. There is hope.
June 18th, 2010 at 19:02
Thank you so much for your comments.
They are reassuring inasmuch as they make me feel that I am not alone. So far, my “sister” has blocked my ability to get employed and I have now been omitted from a family gathering this July 4th. I worked for her for many years and for this reason she is listed as an employer on my resume.
I would also like to add that you must be very, very careful in dealing with a sociopath. It has literally made me sick. It started as stomach pains while I worked with her and grew into an autoimmune disorder that originated from stress. The problem is that you cannot turn your body off from attacking itself. You can manage it but you cannot turn it off.
My advice to anyone dealing with a person like this is to RUN IMMEDIATELY as far away as possible!
Best of luck to you also and again, thank you for your comments.
June 18th, 2010 at 19:07
I have one other question. Do sociopaths know their condition and hide it or do they just believe they are the best?