PART 5: When Plans Backfire
… con’t from Part 4
On the morning of Kathy’s and Marlin’s departure, Kathy told me that they would have a stop-over in Salt Lake City, and that if I needed to get in touch with her, just leave a message on her cell, and she’d check it when they landed.
I remember that hit me as odd, since that would be only two hours after their flight left, and I didn’t plan to speak with them for the week they’d be gone. While driving them to the airport, she said it again, so that time it raised a flag. I didn’t ask anything, but I wondered what she was expecting me to call about.
“Surprise … I lied.”
After dropping them off at the airport, I headed right back to their house so I could get to work. When I turned on their computer, I realized why Kathy would be expecting a call. For the first time ever, their computer required a password to log-in … a password I was deliberately not told about.
Kathy knew I needed the computer to work.
1)
2)
3)
Or, so she thought.
Kathy forgot one thing: I’m considered a computer expert … getting around a password is fairly simple.
I’ve done consulting work for Fortune 500 companies and the Federal Government. She should have known that. She definitely knew I was a certified Mac consultant, and I would always diagnose and fix her computer problems.
Even for that trip, she was aware that I brought all my diagnostic and maintenance disks. Getting access to a computer that is password-protected is a typical task for someone like me, and a fairly simple one. I just didn’t want to back-door their computer if I didn’t need to, but Kathy wouldn’t give me any other option.
When Kathy’s daughter, Tara, arrived home after school that afternoon, I asked her about the required password. She told me that she didn’t know why her mom had “just recently added the passwords” but if I needed access, I could use her’s. So from then on, I used Tara’s password. I thought it was very odd that Kathy would have set up a limited-use password for Tara, but not for me.
The Meeting with David’s Counselor
As much as I resented Kathy’s method of control by telling me I had a meeting with my son’s counselor, I was over that by the day of the meeting, and showed-up timely, with an inquisitive attitude as to the agenda. It wasn’t my meeting, so I had planned to simply answer every question with detail and substantiation, and see where it went.
The counselor, Jane (not her real name), met me in the reception area, was very cordial, and we began the meeting in her closed office. No more than 5-10 minutes into our discussion, she asked me about David’s mom. I remember she apologized, saying, 
I told her she didn’t need to apologize, as it was a simple and obvious question, but it had a long and complex answer. Jane said she had the time. She asked a lot of questions, and of course, she got nothing but the absolute truth.
At least 40-minutes into the meeting, Jane seemed a bit puzzled, and asked how long Kathy had known my son. I told her, “Kathy just met David.” Jane repeated it back to me in a question, and I confirmed it. After a brief pause, Jane asked me how close Kathy and I are. I explained the answer in much more detail than just saying, “Not very.”
Over an hour after we began talking, Jane expressed her appreciation to me for coming in, and followed that by stating, “I want you to know that your son is very lucky to have you as his father … and if he were my son, I would do nothing differently. I wish you the best.”
I was truly humbled, and I let her know. I believe only a parent, especially a single parent, would understand how touching that is. For those of us raising kids as a top priority, hearing that is the most gratifying compliment.
Jane did not share anything with me that Kathy had told her, but I certainly could tell it was a different story, and whatever it was, Jane was certainly not buying Kathy’s story now, if ever. That allowed me to theorize why I met with Jane: potentially, Kathy had not planned it, but instead, she met with Jane when David enrolled, and took the opportunity to undermine me as a bad father.
In other words, already chipping away at my character. Then when Jane was told I was coming out, she asked to meet with me. Kathy probably thought, or was made to think, Jane would take what she told her, and Jane would lay into me, simply supporting Kathy. Kathy is not very sharp.
I remember as I was walking out of the school building, I realized something very strongly: in that meeting of
The Return Flight
Two days had passed since meeting with David’s counselor. I had originally planned to stay a couple extra days after Kathy returned, just to visit, but due to the most recent events, all I could think of at that point, was how could I take David home with me. But I had to let that idea go, since school would be out in four weeks, making it a terrible time to transition … especially back to where he had previously been.
In any event, I decided to leave, and take the first flight out after they arrived. Unfortunately, their return flight came in at 22:00 that night, and the first available return flight for me departed at 07:00 the following morning. I wasn’t about to ask Kathy to get up early and drive me back to the airport, so I decided that when I picked them up, I’d simply stay at the airport overnight.
When I spotted them at the curb, they ran over, both jumped in the back seat, and seemed extraordinarily happy. Marlin told me that I could go ahead and drive on home. At that point, while still stopped, I turned around and told them that I needed to get back to my home, that I’d drive over to my departing terminal, and I’d get out there to catch the next flight.
Then I probably had a stunned look, “Yea, it went fine.”
And with Kathy’s usual anxious demeanor, she replied, “Oh! Good!”
That’s not what Kathy meant, though, and why would that be the question as to why I was leaving early? I don’t recall anything else being said during the two-minute drive to my terminal, where I attempted to sleep on the floor that night, with little success. But, I was on the first flight home.
I believe it was my second day back, when my phone rang.
Busted.
Continued in Part 6 …
ADDENDUM:
Some of my friends find it very odd that I’m writing this … they’ve expressed, in a variety of ways, that I should let it go and just move on. Other friends of mine pretend it does not exist, and simply ignore it. I believe in some ways they think I’ll be happier by forgetting it, but this is what I need to do to forget it. I need to put it all down, piece the puzzle together, and for now, that works for me.
Some wonder why I put it on the Web. Because hopefully it will help others … and judging by the number of visitors worldwide, I believe it has in some little way. And if not the Web, where? A notebook? That would still be helpful to me, but not as gratifying as knowing I could help others. And when I’m gone, that notebook would end up in some landfill.
While writing this part, a couple points surfaced more clearly than I expected…
1) It would still be a long time before I had enough experience and evidence to clearly label my sister, Kathy, a sociopath. She has a history of being very brutally mean to me since childhood, and at the time that Part 5 covers, all I was thinking was that she was lying to me, and being very hurtful as she had been earlier in our lives.
I never knew why she had always been mean to me, as far back as I can remember, but that I’ve since figured out, too. She is very evil, but for virtually everyone who associates with her, they’ve been sold on her public persona. As of now, I don’t know anyone else other than me, who has seen the ugly truth behind it.
2) If my theory is correct about the counselor, and that she was led to believe that I was a very different person than I am, then the puzzle just changed a lot. I have to accept that Kathy was assassinating my character long before my previous proof had defined a time period UPDATE: since I was a child*.
*UPDATE: Number 2 has its own ADDENDUM …
###
December 31st, 2009 at 18:19
happy new year my friend and angel Larry. May God above you give you health and hapiness this new decade. I remind you, your not alone. Keep writting and telling your story. Dont ever believe that the “sociopath.” can defeat us Larry. We are moral and ethical human beings. We are generous and are filled with grace and humility, compassion and love.” Those “others” are ill my friend. They are a human being borderline animal with the power to destroy their own species, eat their young, and do whatever they can to feed their ego/illness. We must not live in denial, nor hide under a rock. Do not let your guard down and always pray for them, no matter what. God is the way, and if you trully believe like I do, Larry there is a “place” for those who follow and willingly or unwillingly play the game, the deciples, the generals, the commanders, and even those who you would ever imagine to take place in the sick game of sociopathy, assainating gods “good and innocent children.” Never, never blame yourself. Never. They will be held responsible, hopefully sooner than later…………………………. Keep telling your story, keep telling your story, because God above is watching and listening. Dont let him down Larry!!!!!!!
January 2nd, 2010 at 06:05
Michael,
Thank you again for your kind words and support.
Larry
[apparently I saved this, but did not post it ... I hate when that happens]
January 16th, 2010 at 08:31
Hi Larry
Thankyou for sharing your story with such balance and credibility – the general public does not understand or want to understand sociopaths – it is not till you have had experience of these sick and disordered individuals that you discover what evil they are truly capable of. For those who question why you don’t just ‘let it go’ – this just highlights their extreme ignorance. The experience of being targetted by a sociopath is horrific and something you don’t just ‘get over’.
These people attempt to murder your soul and recovery is a process of integrating what has happened, grieving and creating an entirely new worldview for yourself so you can protect yourself from future harm by recognising the traits.
I wonder if you have read a book called Stalking the Soul? It’s mainly about narcissistic abuse but also applies to all cluster b personality disorders – it’s a great read and thoroughly outlines the process these people use to destabilise and disintegrate others for their own amusement.
Most people really can’t grasp what the sociopath is and how dangerous they are. I appreciate your courage in publishing your story – the more stories that are told, the more we raise awareness. It is shocking that sociopathy is more common and way more damaging to others than schizophrenia and anorexia combined yet we hear nothing of it in the media.
Many thanks – hope you and your family have some peace now or at least have some strategies for dealing with these sickos
January 17th, 2010 at 05:55
Welcome Leelee,
At least for me, you could have stopped with the first line … being recognized for “such balance and credibility” makes my effort so very worthwhile.
Thank you.
You, yourself, show great wisdom on the topic, but I do not get a sense that it comes from being a victim. Does my instinct steer me wrong?
I had not heard of Stalking the Soul but I found it on Amazon and read the sample pages. I can see why you suggest it … I’ve just added it to my list.
I hope you will return and share more of your insight.
Again, thanks.
Lar
January 18th, 2010 at 06:07
Hi Larry
Thanks for your thanks! Unfortunately your instinct is dead wrong – I was abused by a psychopath for ten yrs through marriage and reached the very bottom of my existence. They have been referred to by various writers as ‘soul killers’ and ‘soul stealers’ and in my case that couldn’t have been more apt. By two thirds of the way through I was severely depressed and considering suicide. But I couldn’t put my finger on the cause because he always blamed me – very effective tactic. I managed to fight back and claw my way back up to some strength – this gave me the courage to see I was being abused and towards the end I realised he was a psychopath – I read extensively and found comfort in the validation that I was not alone in what I was experiencing.
The battle is still ongoing with the final resolution of the divorce still in progress – he has moved on without so much as a backward glance, trading me in for someone else as though I were a mere prop in his life. Through his charm and wit he has gathered around him a band of disciples who worship the ground he walks on and think he can do no wrong – there is no point in illuminating them – they are beyond reach – look how long it took me to figure out! It is a hard journey and most people just don’t understand unless they have been through it. I get so many glib remarks like ‘Why are you living in the past?’ and ‘Time to get on with your life now’. The speakers don;t realise the time and effort it takes to get past these relationships.
What makes me angry is that there is no penalty for this behaviour – as long as there is no physical wound, they can do what they like and get away with it. It is extremely unjust.
Please keep posting and raising public awareness of these monsters and the damage they do. If you would like to email me privately I can put you in touch with a whole community of people who ‘get it’ and have been through the same torture you have been through. You will be believed there – believing the unbelievable is what we all do every day – nothing is beyond the reach of a psychopath!
Warm regards and keep writing!
January 18th, 2010 at 16:03
>> “Unfortunately your instinct is dead wrong …”
Yea, not the first time … I was wrong once before.
January 23rd, 2010 at 08:42
I too was a victim for 23 years. I just stumbled across this site while looking for some type of effect of people who actually (look small) when they lie and think they are caught. This happened a handful of times in my marriage and I always wondered if there was some actual phenomenon.
It is hard to explain but on occasion when I would think something was different about him(he was up to something) he actually looked small in apperance. He was always sitting at this time. He confesed to me when he left me that he was a sex addict. Then denied saying it as he would often do.He was trying to make me think that I was the crazy one. I believe he is more dangerous than people think.
I too, cant let it go and it has been almost three years since the divorce. It is difficult in that my adult children cant understand why I wont have any contact with their father. He was more than just a cheater (bad enough) he is very dangerous I believe and it has certainly had a very great effect on me. He knows this and gets enjoyment out it. That is what sociopaths thrive on. It is sad when it is your own family (spouse). It is comforting to know that others understand this behavior and we are not just crazy.
Mary
January 23rd, 2010 at 14:00
Welcome Mary,
Your comments are what others experience, too. Making us feel the blame for something we did not do is a skill of their’s that is hard to define for anyone without the experience.
Women and men are no different when afflicted by these personality disorders. I would bet that you husband did not have a sex addiction, but was either narcissistic or bi-polar. My ex was bi-polar, and when she became manic, she turned on her seduction, and affairs began. But sometime later when she’d crash from her mania, she’d grovel back to me, crying and promising to get help, so twice I took her back. She never got the help.
But from things I found that she had written, if would seem she knew what she had done was wrong, and she wrote, “I’ve damaged Larry’s trust in me so badly, that I wonder if he could ever forgive me.”
There is no cure, nor even any treatment … and yes, these people are very dangerous. There must be a way to stop them, as they continue to destroy lives and get away with it.
Thanks,
Lar
January 29th, 2010 at 07:53
Mary – it’s very hard to recover from these relationships – I see you are still struggling – please contact Larry and ask him to pass on the site address for a support community – there is good help available for you there with people who understand what you have been through, don’t judge and offer practical education to help us all get over this. I hope you have signed up for updates and can see this message.
You are not alone. Many others have been through similar devastation – the problem is those around us often don’t recognise the degree of damage and wonder why we can’t just ‘get over it’. We need a safe place to tell our stories, grieve our losses and come to terms with what happened – most of all we need to be surrounded by people who understand and empathise with the loss and damage we have sustained. You found this site for a reason – you will be warmly welcomed by the community and will have a safe place to explore what happened to you and the continuing effects of the hell you went through.
Mary I don’t know if you have read any books yet – I can warmly recommend Women who Love Psychopaths – it will help you understand how your own ‘super traits’ of good qualities were exploited by this person who harmed you. I am pretty sure the book would also be applicable to men, but it was women the author studied. It is an incredible read and so healing to see the complexity of what we suffered. We intuitively know it at the time, but have no vocabulary with which to articulate the abuses perpetrated against us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel Mary – please come join us and give your healing journey a big leap forward – you will be welcomed with open arms. Many blessings to you
Larry – please pass on the site to Mary and if you think it useful consider providing a link on your site – I didn’t want to leave the address on my comment in case you didn’t think it appropriate. People are finding your site and still needing help and that is what this community offers – a way to understand what happened and integrate it into our personal history. I hope to see many more survivors making their way there
January 30th, 2010 at 21:10
ADDENDUM to my ADDENDUM:
Sometimes it is so difficult to see the forest with all the trees in the way.
Parts of our lives can get so engrained in our psyche that it takes a while for us to even question them. In my ADDENDUM above, I stated that my character assassination by my sister, Kathy, could have begun in the “late 90s, maybe earlier” … forget the late 90s.
Hello Larry!? She’s been doing it your entire life.
As a kid, I always figured there was just something wrong with me … whenever Kathy brought a friend over and introduced them, they’d rarely look at me and almost never say anything. It was a completely different story when I watched them meet my brother or sister. Night and day.
What is most pronounced was when I met my future brother-in-law, Kathy’s husband, Marlin. He barely glanced at me when he said “hi” but chatted-up with my brother and sister. He always treated me as lower than everyone else.
Based on that, there’s virtually no way for me to undo the lifelong character destruction she unleashed on me, with my own family.
Sociopaths get away with murder.
January 30th, 2010 at 20:37
Leelee, Mary H, et al…
I posted the link Love Fraud to the sidebar LINKS widget.
January 31st, 2010 at 09:16
Leelee and Larry
I have been doing all kinds of reading and research into this type of behavior and it does seem to help validate that I am not the crazy one. My experiences seem to be much like yours and many others. I know it will be a long road but I am confident I will one day overcome the damages that were inflicted on me for so long. Thanks for all the info.
Mary
January 31st, 2010 at 10:06
A few thoughts and suggestions …
1) When leaving a comment, please check the box “Notify me of followup comments via e-mail.”
You will then know if someone replies to your comment, and you will have complete control over unsubscribing at any time. Your privacy is always assured.
2) You may have noticed that you were assigned a monster avatar, or at least a squid. But I have my eye. Why do I but not thy?
A gravatar follows your email address from blog-to-blog, meaning that when you sign up on any blog that has gravatars switched on, the avatar you selected for that email address appears automatically on that blog when you post something. Your privacy and security are always assured, and you can have as many gravatars as you have email addresses.
Changing your gravatar is very simple. You update it in just one place, and wherever the old one appeared, it’s replaced with your new one.
Just gather up some images and sign-up at Gravatar.com
It’s very easy, and much better than being a generic squid!
3) Don’t forget: laughing is some of the best medicine.
February 18th, 2010 at 09:18
I was intrigued by your story and really hope you will be posting more. I’m also glad you already know about Lovefraud; that site literally saved me.
I, too, have heard the familiar, “It’s time to get over it” and that has been said by people who are fully aware that my sociopath ex-H sexually abused our daughter when she was two years old (after we had been separated six months). He was never prosecuted, or even investigated, because he had “set the stage” by covertly destroying my character, much as your sister Kathy was doing to you. It took three years for me to realize just how much bashing he’d actually done and, in the meantime, visitation continued with our daughter. I just about went crazy – literally.
It is very likely these people telling me to “get over it,” probably don’t really believe he did it, though. He’s the consummate Mr. Nice Guy – how could he possibly commit such evil acts? No, it’s ME who has the problem (being a single mother, I have zero credibility with anyone – ironic considering I’m a single mother on account of his irresponsibility, not mine).
On a personal level, understanding what my ex-H actually is has really helped me to cope. If I didn’t understand, it would have been that much harder to “get over it.” As it were, now I just have zero expectations of him and am never surprised anymore by his ongoing evil. That doesn’t mean I’m not always afraid when my daughter visits him on weekends, but at least now I’m not ignorant and confused, and I know what to watch for. And, yes, I continue to fight for my daughter’s safety; I never stopped, even though no one was listening. She still remembers what he did and is starting to open up about it to other people besides myself so hopefully the noose will start to tighten around his neck and he won’t be able to get away with it anymore.
Anyway, thanks for the good read. Keep posting!
June 10th, 2010 at 09:30
This is a horrendous but excellently-written story, Larry. You describe your feelings and beliefs well.
I can relate well to the ‘red flags.’ Only us victims understand your way of thinking and to the lay person we would just appear to be over-reacting, paranoid and crazy! To be betrayed by your own sister is terrible and I feel for you. It is bad enough having a stranger destroy you but a sibling is by far worse. The dysfunctional minds of two people (Kathy and Julie) who ‘team up’ together to destroy a target is going to be very hard to escape from. Empathy and loyalty do not apply to these people.
I believe that Sociopaths are born evil although their behavior I feel is largely influenced by childhood events and experiences as to how they conduct themselves in later life. Jealousy is a normal but also a very dangerous emotion for some people and I believe that it is a strong motivating factor for your situation. You are obviously an intelligent, good guy with strong morals and principles. Your tormentors do not possess such qualities. They know that they never can so they set out to destroy you in the worst ways possible-and enjoy doing it!
Your son is also obviously a clever and talented lad-a prime target for bullies and there are some things which have occurred to me while reading your story. Do you think that your ex wife would be going to such lengths to get custody if your son was not so intelligent? Is she doing this to gain credit and attention for herself because of his talents? Or is this just ‘payback’ time for you for alleged or imagined slights? This may sound far fetched Larry but do you think that your ex wife could have influenced/instigated your sons bullying in some way using others?
This whole thing could have been cleverly planned to perfection, from the beginning, with the help of your sister-I believe that these sort of people would be able to do this without any real problem. In fact people like this are capable of anything! Women in my opinion are by far worse than men. They excel at deception and are very well disguised as you know. I respect you for not revealing your ex wives diagnosis. I have read a huge amount of information regarding this type of person and can see strong evidence of both Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorder in this story, although I may be wrong.
I am looking forward to hearing the next installment. Take Care Larry and keep analyzing the red flags.
June 10th, 2010 at 13:46
Hi Larry
I will now tell you a horror story regarding my life in the hands of a sociopath and her ‘cult’ of disciples. I would value your ‘opinion’ please.
My Story
This woman is what the late Tim Field describes as a ‘serial bully’. She is a cunning, clever, narcissistic, manipulating liar. She is an actress who is articulate and plausible. I do not know if you are familiar with Tim fields website bullyonline.org. This website has a host of information about sociopaths/narcissists etc and describes her to a tee. Anyway here we go.
I first met this woman in the workplace-she was a staff nurse and I was a carer at this time (She was my senior). My workplace was a large residential establishment for people with epilepsy. The establishment was made up of lots of different residential houses.I started work on a children’s house and after 8 weeks experience was moved onto the house where this woman worked. I had only been working with her for around 6 months when my problems started. During my first few weeks this woman befriended me and was sweetness itself. I thought she was a very nice, kind person!! All of a sudden she began to tell me about her life and how she was unhappy with her husband. She went on to tell me that he was a violent bully who had raped and beaten her. She told me very personal things about her experiences to the point where I was uncomfortable and wondered why she was telling me such things as I hardly knew her? She went on to tell me that she was having an affair with her husbands best friend and planned to run away with him, to escape from her unhappy home life. However, this man died of a heart attack before they had chance to leave together. Shortly after this I heard her telling people what a lovely man her husband was-I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I began to notice little things about her which were not quite right. She always had to take the lead in meetings and became agitated when someone else was in the spotlight. Always had to be centre of attention. Was extremely jealous if anyone other than her got any praise for their work and would immediately discredit them. She certainly did not strike me as academically clever-just devious.I witnessed her copying the work of others on more than one occasion without their knowledge and passing it off as her own.She had a huge sense of entitlement. The main thing was however, that she would never take responsibility when anything went wrong. She would blame anyone but herself and would not describe things as they had really happened. However, as she was very plausible she was always believed above others.
On my birthday I received some lovely cards and gifts from the other staff at work. I was popular and got on with others. As I walked into the office she said to me ” Why are you so popular? Each day after that she would ignore me or give me the worst jobs to do. I began to notice that people were beginning to act different towards me over time but had no idea why. I now know that this is when the character assassination began. One day the nursing officer praised me for my work in front of this woman. Within a few days I had been moved to another department without explanation. I got on with my job and was promoted to a senior position in my new department. Shortly after this my workplace paid for me to go on a social care course. However, early on into the course I was involved in a road traffic accident with a loose horse and sustained some nasty injuries. I was off work for almost a year. This horse had escaped from a farm and galloped down the road and into a field. As I was driving past it jumped through a gap in the hedge and landed on my car. During my time off this woman recruited a cult of followers and interfered with witnesses from my workplace who had seen the accident. She and her henchmen told people that I was prosecuting the owners to get more money, when I could just claim off the insurance. This is ridiculous as in the uk you have to prove negligence against the owner in order to make a claim off their insurance. By this time this woman had also teamed up with another chief bully, also a woman, who happened to be friendly with the owners of the horse. I was now faced with 2 bullies an ‘introvert’ and an ‘extrovert’ and the two of them went to extreme measures to prevent me from making a claim. Statement requests were sent to the witnesses at my workplace-they never received the letters. I later learnt that the the bully and her gang had intercepted and destroyed them. My solicitor was aware that someone was interfering but could not prove it. After 3 years I lost my case and received no compensation whatsoever. Some months after that I learnt that the owners of the horse were not insured so would have been held personally libel.
Approximately 1 year after this the bully drove past where I was working in a lovely new car. In fact she kept driving past every day. I was approached by one of my friends who informed me that the new car had been bought with money which the horses owners had paid this woman, for preventing me from making a claim against them. You can imagine what it was like during those 3 years, knowing that this woman was interfering but unable to prove it. I felt powerless and desperate. To be then told that this woman had pocketed money at my expense was a very cruel blow indeed. This was in the year 2001. In 2005 I was told by another friend (I had some left at this stage) that this woman had told people that she had done what she had done because I had been blackmailing her about her affair and she was getting her money back!! I was shocked and angry to say the least as this was ridiculous and completely untrue. I was also told that she had shown people a blackmail note which I supposedly had sent to her! I wish that I had been told this in the first place as I would have sought legal advice. This woman excels at ‘playing the victim’
I tried to move on and continued my college course but noticed that some of the tutors were now ‘different’ towards me. I later learnt that this woman had phoned the college and told the head of department that I was a thief and had stolen off the disabled residents. I did not know what to do for the best. I continued to ignore her but things kept getting worse and worse. I tried telling people what she was doing but it is hard to explain covert harassment.I was a stressed out mess and she was a calm, smiling actress who played the victim excellently. I tried to explain to people that she was a convincing liar and that she really a very evil woman. She told people that I was mentally ill! However,nothing changed and things got worse and worse. I just didn’t know what to do. The sad thing is that people fail to accept that you do not have to do anything to a sociopath to become a target, they tend to believe that the victim must have done something and therefore deserves the treatment which they receive. I cannot for the life of me think of anything that I have ever done to this woman? People also do not appreciate just how vindictive and cunning sociopaths are, so I knew I would not be believed against this sweet smiling woman who would turn on the crocodile tears when confronted.
Things continued to get worse and I would feel sick when going to work as I wondered what nasty tricks she would conjure up next. I was used as a scapegoat at work many times although was never accused of anything because there was no evidence, simply because it never happened! The next thing was that I had my signature forged by a fraudster who worked with me. She stole a lot of money from the residents. Due to the bullies character assassination the fraudster thought that I would be blamed because my name was on the cash withdrawal forms. However as I told my manager that I had not signed any cash withdrawal forms they were checked by the police and found to be forgeries. I was not told any of this at the time. I only found out months later off a college.
By this time I was a nervous wreck and completely stressed out. This woman kept telling higher management that she was concerned about me and that she thought that I was paranoid and mentally ill!! Fortunately the management were now aware of this woman’s profile and her behaviour towards me and others, so did not believe her. I was approached by the union representative who asked me what I was going to do about the situation regarding the bullying and the forgery. It transpired that the fraudster had a history of forgery and yet my workplace had still employed her. It was at this point that I made the wrong decision. I chose to stay when I should have prosecuted my workplace under The Harassment at Work Act for the years of intimidation at the hands of this woman and the fact that my signature had been forged because the workplace had not checked the fraudsters history before employing her. I was offered the chance to undertake a Diploma in Social Work paid for by the workplace. They bent over backwards to keep me quite. I was promoted and as I enjoyed my job despite of everything I chose to stay, believing that now that management realised what was going on I would be safe. The Chief executive came to see me and told me that she was aware of what this woman had been doing and of the ‘cult’which she had created to harass me. She then approached this woman and confronted her. Once again the woman played ‘ The Mental Health Trap’ and claimed that I was imagining things. She was not believed and instead was pressurised into leaving, which she did before she was pushed. The bully went to work as an epilepsy nurse several miles away from the area.
I was so relieved, as for once in my working life I could relax and had the best nights sleep for years on the day that she left. I thought that my nightmare had finally ended- how wrong I was! This woman continued to harass me using her cult followers who remained there. As management were aware of what she was doing I could relax to a certain extent although felt very vulnerable as I did not know what she would do next. As time passed and management changed this woman took advantage of the situation and assassinated my character to the new management structure and once again I began to notice people being ‘different’ towards me. Around this time, my son, who had a good job with a local pharmaceutical company in the IT department came home very upset and puzzled one day. He said that his manager had called him into the office and told him that he was no longer required. He told my son that he should look at his lifestyle?? My son did not and still does not know what he meant by this statement. I firmly believed that this woman was instrumental in this and that she had assassinated my sons character to people at his workplace! Recently I learnt that I was right and this woman had told my sons boss that he was a thief and a drug user. I was very, very angry to say the least and really felt like confronting this woman. I realise though that she would just deny it and make me look foolish so I tried to ignore it.
Last year -April 2009 I was made redundant from my position, as were all of the other managers. We all had the chance to apply for other vacancies. I applied but was unsuccessful despite the fact that I had always exceeded all targets and always had excellent appraisals. I firmly believe that this was planned, as the organisation were aware of what I had experienced at the hands of this woman and that the harassment would not stop and that they were libel as they had failed to protect me within the workplace. I was relieved to go to be honest and was told that I would be supported to find another job. However, as the time has gone on I have applied for jobs and not even had an interview. In fact I have not had a response from any applications. Two weeks ago I was approached by the sociopaths daughter who made the statement
” Do you think that you will ever get another job? This was a threat and I felt sick as I know that the sociopath will have done something further to prevent me from gaining employment. She is so cunning and convincing so whatever it is she would have been believed. I am a Social Worker and a registered manager and I suspect that she will have also approached the professional bodies and assassinated my character in order to prevent me from gaining employment. I have a mortgage to pay so will lose my house if I am unable to find employment soon. This is a living nightmare which never ends.
Recently, a woman who used to work with me and was also targeted by the bully at my workplace was dismissed from her new job as an Epilepsy specialist nurse, on a trumped up charge. Within a couple of weeks the bully had walked into her position! I was approached by another old colleague who told me that the bully had completely destroyed this woman’s career and that it was highly likely that she would be struck off and prevented from nursing again! The bully had actually manipulated a Doctor into engineering this woman’s dismissal. A few months prior to this the bully had been telling people that she was fed up with travelling miles to work and wanted a job nearer home! Incidentally, the bully now works at the medical centre where I am registered with a Doctor!!
I have given you a brief descriptive over view of my worst experiences. A lot more has happened. I am not her only target as there have been a many more, however I am her main target. I do not know what it is like to live a normal life and have forgotten what is was like to be happy. I have no friends to speak of because of this woman’s poisoning campaign. I know she will never stop, because she has got away with so much. I just wish I knew how to stop her. Please feel free to post this anywhere you feel that it will fit best. Once again thankyou for your response. I will await your opinion eagerly.
Thankyou
Take Care
Angela
August 14th, 2010 at 23:56
Angela,
I feel that you should not have to go through this but when I was a kid I had somebody that seems they would grow up and be like your bully. She would lie and get people in trouble when they didn’t do anything.
Once a boy made her mad on the playground and she got his classroom # so she could lie and say he hit her to the teachers just to get him in trouble. I think that you are the victim in this situation and I hope you can remeber what smiling is like in your future.
Wish you the best,
Era
September 3rd, 2010 at 13:46
Your friends’ opinions are typical.
I envy them for not having experienced the spirit and soul killing damage that a sociopath has on people. But I also find it disheartening that they exist … “they” as in the people who are so far from understanding these types.
It makes life look impossible.
I can’t handle knowing the wrath of a sociopath in my life. I’m on her path of destruction because a friend revealed to her that I pegged her as a sociopath, and that was the day I died in my mind.
The physical part is only a matter of time I’m sure … either at her hands or my own.
June 27th, 2011 at 22:32
A sociopath’s mind is physically different (i just read that as a fact) from ours which is scary; we feel things, they don’t, so they use our feelings against us. They have no remorse, no conscience, we shouldn’t give them one in our own minds. If we do, we’re asking to be dumped on.
Keep kindness, forgiveness, compassion, pity for those humans who really deserve it, not these self-serving, life-sucking robots. They laugh at our sentiments & compassion & think we are weak fools.
October 7th, 2011 at 10:57
Angela,
What an awful story/experience. And completely believable to those of us who have experienced something similar. And, tragically and frustratingly unbelievable to most people, who have not been targets of sociopaths. It has been a year since you posted, so I’m wondering if you were able to get a job. How you are doing.
I am reading through this website… only just found it a couple days ago… and I’m really grateful for everyone who has shared their stories and especially Larry for creating this in the first place. I’m struck by the commonalities of our situations, our desire to help ourselves and each other, to be smart and strategic and not wallow in victimhood. To find a reasonable and sane way out of this, to a better, more peaceful place.
I’m currently in a stage of the “dawning realization” or shock of seeing the sociopaths in my life unmasked, and the dawning horror of what I’m seeing (I’m sure it will get worse, as the realizations keep coming). I am also going to thank everyone for their warnings NOT to unmask them to their faces, or to others (keep my realizations to myself). Because that is one of the things I was tossing around in my mind, trying to figure out what to do, what move I could possibly make next, in order to get the sociopaths to stop what they are doing. I’m not bent on revenge. I just want to live a peaceful life. I would love “no contact.” (No, I cannot leave. These people are my ex-husband and his sociopathic wife, and they will not let our children go, and they seem bent on destroying me, through character assassination if not worse).
So now, I’m left wondering what to do. Unmasking seems totally unsafe (thank you so much for explaining this). But going on, forced to be in their presence until the kids grow up, also seems unsurvivable. She is the very scary type who would slash your tires and no one would ever suspect, because of her Pretense. Or hire a hit man. Etc. Very Scary. And I want to keep the kids safe, too. That’s hard to do, when they go back and forth between the houses. He is motivated by wanting to win at my expense. He is not as good at the Pretense as she is.
October 8th, 2011 at 12:21
Hello my friend Larry. How Are Ya?
God Bless and be well. Long time no speak. Its all about Moving Gods Kingdom Forward. Everyone will be judged. They are ill Larry. Can we blame them for being born with out real LOVE, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING, ETC ETC.
The best advise for anyone out there that has been or continues to be victumized, you may never beat them at their horrible game, most probably never. So if your convinced that they have this horrible disease my advice, RUN LIKE HELL, AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, DONT TURN BACK AND DONT LOOK BEHIND YA. Stop looking in that rear view mirror in your car. Its the smaller piece of glass. Everything you see in that window is gone and ya cant bring it back.
Look straight ahead through that great big windshield, thats whats comming at ya. Look ahead my friends, look ahead. Love ya Larry you and this site are a gift from God above. You and only you have made it easier for me go on with my life. You are that shoulder that I never had to lean on. God Bless and I hope you are well.
I will pray for ya. Im not well myself now, maybe Severe Cardiovasvular Disease, or MS. Going to see more Dr.s this week.
Best Wishes, MICHAEL
October 9th, 2011 at 00:53
I read each-and-every comment when published, and have every intention to respond within a reasonable time frame. Sometimes life gets in the way. This is a bit beyond reasonable. Allow me to catch up here.
@ CarlyQ …
That’s why psychopaths are so successful in manipulating everyone: they lie as easy as they speak. They have none of the emotions that make up the rest of us. It’s all about them, and they care not who they hurt.
In the mind of the bystander, as is usually the case, it’s the victim that apparently has a problem. That’s why people say “Just get over it” because they just don’t get it. And as much as they think they do, they, themselves, are being controlled by an extremely evil person. Someone they likely even praise.
I’m glad you found the reading good. I’ve fallen behind some, but I have much more to write about. Thank you.
@ Ange …
So much time has passed since you shared your thoughts and story. My apologies for being so tardy.
You’re correct: I believe I’ve been called all three: “over-reacting,” “paranoid” and “crazy” — along with “obsessed” and other terms coming from people who have no right to judge. People who, themselves, are being completely manipulated throughout their lives. It’s ignorance. People ignore the signs when they see them because they just can’t believe such a “upstanding person” would do such things.
I appreciate your kind words, Ange. In regards to the bullying, I do not think that my son’s mom had anything to do with it. I know that she and her husband treated him poorly, especially compared to my daughter. I figured at least some of that abuse was because he reminded them of me … they saw me in him. Yes, it sounds beyond reason, and that’s what it is.
My sister was definitely a cohort with his mom, but by then, they efforts failed. He entered high school, made new friends, and excelled. As sad as it seems to me, he wrote off his mom and has had nothing to do with her.
Just within the past year, he told me about an event that took place that day. As he was walking along the road near our home, a car pulled up to him. As the window came down, he heard “Hi David!” coming from his mom. He told me he just straightened up, waved her on, and kept walking. It’s sad because when I was growing up, it was my mom who was so dear to me. He sees right through her.
I feel as if all I can do is sigh at what this woman has done to you. The only action I could suggest to you is to leave … as far as you need to go to make it impossible for her to have any impact on your life. I know, that’s often a difficult, if not impossible action to take. You’re on an island. You’re best to get off it and vanish from her and her disciples.
I wish I could give you an easy solution, but you likely know very well that there is none. They are relentless in their evil deeds, and even more so on their chosen victims. I truly feel for you and hope you can find a viable solution.
@ Aimee …
It does make life look impossible, but just take it one day at a time. Don’t let them win.
@ ArfromNJ …
You are correct, it is genetic. People can be taught to be bad, but people cannot be taught to be a psychopath (a.k.a., sociopath).
@ Steph …
I appreciate your kind words. I began this site without any idea of where it would lead. But it led me to understand more about my situation, both from my own writings, and from everyone else who has contributed. Again, thank you all.
@ Michael …
It’s been a long time. I appreciate your support and very kind words. Stress is something that a victim learns has virtually no bounds. Think positive, my friend. Keep taking just one day at a time.
October 9th, 2011 at 02:30
Hello, I just want to say that I know the devastation that a sociopath will cause. It isn’t something that is ever cured, or forgotten.
Once you feel the utter despair in your heart, head and stomach for the first month, two months… you do what seems to be the next step, cause it always has been before and has been successful, you tell your most trusted, airtight, “always got your back, man” friends or relatives.
That’s when the next phase hits you, while you’re down and wondering if life will ever be possible… because THEY turn their backs on you, discounting and invalidating everything, making all the excuses and pointing an accusatory finger at you. A year, two years…. you realize that you know something very dark and unrelenting, and they already got the support from your supporters.
They love pity and they can get your heart to break for them with such skill and grace and never a worry that any of it will ever come back to them. It won’t because they simply don’t care. Authority is a joke to them and they will stop at nothing to take you down where they have learned it hurts. They don’t know that hurt, but they know it is the best way to get everything they want from you and beat you to a miserable pulp anyway. They are so good at it, and so patient to wait for the big con that they can grind you down to nothing right in front of everyone, little by little until everyone you know thinks you are a psychological mess.
You can feel your friends shaking their pity head at you and avoiding your company and whispering (not very softly) while you are right there in the room. If you begin to speak, they will all look at you with this “look at me, I’m being nice to the crazy person” grimace on their faces and soon the eyes roll and the sighs begin as they search around for anything at all to distract them from your “going on and on about stupid stuff.”
They tell you to get thicker skin, they tell you not to take things so personally, it is sickening… and there you are, the smartest one in the bunch but invisible to most everyone. The sociopath is indeed pleased while he/she happily enjoys what once was yours with a delight that makes one homicidal.
You can’t tell a sociopath that you know he/she is one or they will finish you off at once. It’s a very sad world and the presence of sociopaths is everywhere. They fool the smartest people until they have their claws in you, then the abuse begins. It’s a lonely, heartbreaking world to be an informed victim of a sociopath.
It is death to all who are good, loving people. I hate them. I hate what they have done to my life, and I carry resentment where ever I go, and that is not who I am. It’s who I’ve had to become simply because I have the one thing that leaves us susceptible to them…. I care, I love, I respect and I am accountable.
I feel like my happiest situation would be to live amongst victims of sociopaths because I believe they are the best people… that’s why they were targets… and we could be healthy again knowing that nothing we observe is too silly, but in fact is critical, to mention and we would support and encourage and enjoy one another… That would be my wish.
Everything you said about David’s counselor story is quite clear to me, and is absolutely proof to me that you are dealing with a live one. Holy cow! I have friends that do the very same thing to me. I go public with it anyway, I want to see who the cowards are. The sociopaths in my circle make themselves predictably known too. I hate what they do to my planet.
Thank you for making this live. You give me strength to forge ahead, because seriously, I am a valuable person with a lot of friends, but I would like to die if another sociopath takes another chunk of my heart away. This is something I can’t say to anyone either, or they would commit me for sure.
It’s not a suicide threat, it’s not an inability to cope with life, it is the damnation of a beautiful soul being thrown out like chum that takes away my will to play that roll. That’s what I mean. And that is a plausible reason to not want to live. I’m not there…. yet… but they come in when you least expect it and kill you every time before you realize you’ve been tagged again. I feel that victims of sociopaths are very willing to jump in and support other victims because they know! And we yearn to feel the respect and control and laughter and ability to throw caution to the wind now and again without being any worse for it, and I believe that is only achievable with other victims.
That would shed that “victim” label off in a instant, in fact, it would burst off because there’s one thing a victim of a sociopath does not need or want or deserve, and that’s pity. We never wanted the attention, we wanted others to see the bad apple for what it was and get it the hell out of here. My heart goes out to you…. and yes, I was able to keep my heart.
That’s one thing they didn’t take from me.
October 9th, 2011 at 22:55
@ Kim …
You are, of course, correct that you can not tell a sociopath you know what they are. But the same results can be obtained by letting the sociopath know that you caught them in a lie, or something equally deviant. Although it’s just one of their many lies, their paranoia can overwhelm them and make them think you know so much more. And because of that, you become a target without knowing it.
Being a victim is extremely lonely. A truly ruthless sociopath will go out of their way to destroy you through everyone you know. I’m glad that my site has brought you some peace, and that you still have your heart. As other comments are helpful to you, yours is also helpful to others.
November 5th, 2012 at 16:46
Mys sociopsath sibling’s diabolical plan is about to blow up her in face!
Tomorrow is court date number one! The attorney is asking the judge to accept our proof of forgery and rule ownership of the house belongs to my sister L not D who finagled the forgery to begin with. The judge is also being asked to force the bank to give L a free and clear title/deed to the property.
The bank is required by banking rules and regulations to do a title search each and every time a loan is asked for on property and the bank did not do a title search since 1996, if they had, they would have located the forgery long before now. Tomorrow evening I’ll let you know the judge’s rulings.
God bless each of you in your own daily struggles with a sociopath/s! God bless you too Larry for creating this very informative site!
November 5th, 2012 at 16:52
Blacksheep,
I wish you the best for tomorrow. And thanks for the blessings, as I could use as much as I can get ;o)
November 15th, 2012 at 18:05
Hi , and God bless you too. —
i have a quick question…re my son in law – who has 18 out of 20 traits of Psychopath/Sociopath. he has been married to my daughter for the past six years and has been unable to hold a job (blames everyone else!). —
She has supported him and now they have a baby. — if/when subject comes up of not working — he always says…” at least I can be with the baby”….. and that shuts everyone down. — how can you argue a father being with a child?! —
QUESTION: Is there any way to kindly say “most dad’s work, and most dad’s are happy to help with income, and a lot of dads see , enjoy the kids when they can”, and btw get a job ??
ANY /ALL SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED , especially since we will all be together soon, thanksgiving!!! thank you very much.
November 16th, 2012 at 05:34
Cheryl, Hi, You sweet woman!
Make Thanksgiving and Chrismas and every gathering as pleasant as you possibly can. Never mention working to him. Ever.
This will sound harsh because it is plain that you are not at all familiar with life amongst sociopaths. He may not be one, but those who live in the sociopathic style are not any easier. They are not wired the same and they cannot be fixed. I believe I am saying what the most experienced experts would say, but please review others’ input too, when I say:
No. There is no way to say it. He knows it. He knows what most dads do. He never has, nor will he ever have any intention of working. As far as he is concerned he earned his life of leisure through years and years of practice developing his art of using people while searching for just the right situation that will give him exactly what he has right now. He couldn’t care less what you think of him. He will only get annoyed having to be pestered about it. To him, there is no pleasant way you could elude to that subject no matter how nice and generous you are. He will very likely ban you from the house if you bug him about it one too many times. And, yeah, he’ll have your daughter believing you deserved it. All you can do is make certain that your daughter knows you love her unconditionally and that she can come to you no matter what.
It’s not an easy ride ahead of you or your daughter or grandchild, but millions of people survive it. It just involves counterintuitive measures, dealing with a sociopath.
It will be okay, just keep your eye out for serious stuff and don’t create tension whatever you do. It only frustrates the sociopath much like a fly buzzing around your eyes when you are trying to look at something. Nothing more. Don’t go there.
If I am wrong… please, someone, say so. I don’t think I am.
Warmest regards I send you along with this not so warm response. I wish I knew a magic way out of this. The baby is what makes this nearly impossible to escape… that’s why sociopaths marry right away and have babies right away. It’s their anchor.
November 17th, 2012 at 04:06
Kim – thank you for taking the time to respond. unfortunately, something tells me you are right. no matter what anyone says, he gets annoyed.– i hope and pray someday that he is out of our lives – but i dont see that happening since he is a parasite. — you mention learn to deal with a sociopath – any suggestions? thank you again.
cheryl
December 9th, 2012 at 17:44
Hi Cheryl,
U tell “sociopathic jerk” son-in-law of yours — That most men who are macho man, Man’s men, Bold, and courageous masculine guy, will go to work to support his family. A guy with testosterone in his blood wants to provide for his family. Only feminine guy with girly personality wants to stay at home and mooch off of his wife. Only touchy feely person with no balls, wants to stay at home with a child.
Most women want to be with a rugged man who goes out and hunts to bring home beacon. This has been the case since caveman days. By going to work and providing for his family sets a good example for his growing child. He serves as a mentor to his kid. Only a whimp, coward, and weak man stays home and sponges off of a woman.
Show him the examples of BEST leaders presidents, basketball,, football, tennis players etc….they do not rely on women to support them.
In the end, tell him — You hope his mama has raised a BOY and not a girl with balls in a man’s clothes.
Simple enough.
December 9th, 2012 at 17:49
Being nice will not and does not work with Sociopaths. They choose victim’s who are quiet, submissive, compliant, and keep their appalling behavior a secret. EXPOSE his ass. Put him down in front of his friends. Make fun of him. Turn around and give him a taste of his own medicine.
Call him names and inflame him. That will get his blood going on this couch parasite.
December 9th, 2012 at 17:56
Larry,
I have a suggestion…. You should create a separate link to help out victims, who are still in relationship or tied to these socio pathic man/woman. Victims who need strength and need ammunition to stand up to these bastards.
So, we can all gang up on them and outsmart these vultures. Like hunting wolves in a pack. A group of wolf pack is lot stronger than a singular wolf on a hunt. Doesn’t matter how sociopathic that wolf is. Doesn’t stand a chance against wisdom of victim combined.
It also motivates and serves as a spring board for victims to leave their situation.
Just some helpful thoughts….
December 9th, 2012 at 18:04
Candle,
From my experience, some of your suggestions are a bit extreme. You do not know this man, so I don’t believe you can give so much detailed advice without placing his wife in a potentially worse predicament.
Name calling is stooping to his level, and I don’t believe Cheryl said anywhere that he was effeminate. There are many men who raise children because their wives would prefer a business career. Fathers can make great fathers, though I agree in this case it sounds to be an excuse.
I raised my own two since they were toddlers, and it was one of the most rewarding periods of my life. Both of mine are now attending universities.