This is one man’s very real story — my nightmare — beginning with my earliest memories, being physically and verbally abused by my alcoholic father, as well as his favorite and first child, my violently 
hostile, oldest sister, Kathy. Another older sister, Marcia, began her own psychological abuse against me sometime in her mid-to-late teens.
Hers were very calmly delivered, pure psychological degradation. She was very narcissistic, such as entering beauty pageants, taking modeling classes, and becoming a varsity song girl (i.e., cheer leader) in high school. She craved the attention, and would walk past me on campus as if we were complete strangers — no, actually she’d probably smile to a complete stranger.
Sometime between his teens and 20s, my younger brother, Alan, emerged with his own narcissistic and violent, sociopathic characteristics. None of us were close growing up. 
The only two siblings who maintained an ongoing relationship into adulthood were Kathy, the oldest, and Alan, the youngest. They also shared the similar violent and hostile temperaments, the charming personas, and the complete lack of compassion, morality, integrity and of course, any semblance of honesty.
It’s in our Genes … not our upbringing.
In summary, the bad gene was brought into the family from my dad’s side, and he passed it to three of his four offspring. I believe that I carry the gene, though I was the skipped generation. From what I’ve been able to gather, my dad got the bad gene from his mother’s side. The source paths don’t seem that difficult to identify, as long as one has a sufficient, if not just a minimal amount of experience to compare both parents.
Obtaining additional knowledge gathered from other branches of the family would prove very beneficial as well. And as luck would have it, I was recently contacted by a “distant cousin” from another branch of our family. He located me on Ancestry.com — a site I registered on a few years ago as a free member, and frankly, that was all I ever did. But his contact was very timely.
To tell my story completely, one must also know the physical trauma and injuries I endured, beginning with a broken back at the age of 12, and how my siblings used that to increase their character assassination of me, sometime after my hospital stay about 40 years later.
At the end of 2001, I had surgery on my back, and was infected with MRSA around my spine. Initially not even expected to survive, and after 120 days of intensive treatment, I never fully recovered. You can read all about the details leading up to that event from the links in the right column, right under MY BRUSHES WITH DEATH.
As I’ve said many times: “They kept me alive, but took away my life.”
How many sociopaths have you had in your life?
People who think they can read 10-steps on how to identify a sociopath need a reality check — it’s virtually impossible. Sociopaths are so cunning, such great actors, so manipulative, seemingly some of the nicest people around, that if you do suspect someone, there’s a good chance you identified a jerk. Sociopaths focus everything 
on hiding their true personality. They are the ones most people never suspect. Such as Bernard Madoff.
Unless you happen to witness something that sends chills up your spine — chances are you’ll never suspect anything. But if you do see something, you better hope they didn’t see you. If they discovered you witnessed something, anything, even nothing but they react from their own paranoia, it’s time for you to change jobs, or even move out of state. Because even if that individual laughs it off with an acceptable excuse, they now know you saw something that could threaten them.
The sociopath will win. They have no limits … you do.
They may even appear to become better friends with you, and that’s all it would be is “appearance.” What they could be doing is keeping a closer eye on you, and without raising your suspicions, attempt to determine exactly what you do know, what you did see, and what you will discuss. While at the same time, as they learn more about you, they could begin the process to decimate your character, spreading the most evil and malicious lies about you. So evil, that people who had associated with you, will begin to avoid you.
A sociopath takes no risks with having their public persona revealed as a fake, as that would threaten their entire lifestyle. Even if only fueled by their own paranoia, a sociopath will not wait to go on the defensive. What they do is what I call: offensive-revenge. A sociopath has virtually no boundaries or limits … they see it as a job that needs to be done, and nothing will get in their way to prevent them from achieving success. Not even the legal system.
It’s all in their public persona. Someone may present their persona at home, 24/7, just as they do everywhere else. Even a spouse can be extremely difficult to recognize as having sociopathic characteristics if they are determined to hide it from everyone, as they know even family can be a threat.
I believe that a sociopath can be so extremely ruthless, so evil, so guilt-free, that they are capable of what I call: indirect homicide. Such as a victim that became so banished and an outcast by those he considered friends, that the victim could resort to ending his own life.
And that sociopath would continue their maliciously evil lifestyle without losing a bit of sleep.
But frankly, we should really start at the beginning …
###
May 3rd, 2010 at 09:46
I stumbled upon your blog when trying to find a chat room about sociopaths.
I was riveted and read everything you had. Have you ever submitted it to any literary agents? A good guide, if you’re unfamiliar, is Jeff Herman’s Guide to publishers, literary agents and editors.
I recently fell victim to a sociopath, my assumed best friend of 4 years who launched a long and almost successful campaign to steal my husband. It wasn’t until about 6 months after that it suddenly dawned on me she is a sociopath, sort of a aha! moment when I a) learned what a long campaign it had actually been when he finally really opened up to me and added up all the evidence.
Anyway, good luck to you — if you publish, I’d love to know.
May 3rd, 2010 at 10:25
Welcome Cathy,
Thank you for the very kind words. I’ve always enjoyed writing, and have truly thought of writing a “fictional” story based on this. The only fiction would be names and places.
But I’d imagine most of who would read it would think my imagination needed to be toned down a bit, that it’s a bit too far-fetched. That’s the way most people think of it.
How could anyone as sweet as my sister, Kathy, be guilty of such heinous hostility? [sic] It’s easy if you understand Antisocial Personality Disorder. Most people don’t understand it, nor do they want to know.
Thanks again for your comments. I hope the best for you, and I’ll let you know if the book becomes a motion picture.
All the best!
Larry
June 10th, 2010 at 23:55
I AM writing a book about my ordeal in probate with my sociopathic brother and sister. Too bad I did not know about how socioopaths operate before they sued me. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It helps me to deal with the fact that I cannot deal with my siblings in a normal reasonable way. I am just a pawn in their game.
July 13th, 2010 at 06:15
Hi Karen,
I think we all have our own versions of your sentence: “… too bad I did not know about how sociopaths operate before …” I confronted my sister which told her I knew way too much.
Think back to your religion or sunday school classes from when you were a child. Did the devil ever appear to someone he wanted to destroy while he was wearing his horns, cape, and long red tail? Of course not.
Most people think sociopaths will somehow be obvious. Sociopaths are so successful because they make themselves the least obvious. I tend to believe that the devil was the first sociopath.
September 11th, 2010 at 13:00
I agree and I believe that is due in part to the dramatic and extreme nature of the word “sociopath”. Social conditioning has destroyed the credibility in the label of sociopath or psychopath. Antisocial personality disorder is too clinical, most people think of anti-socials as polar opposites of the sociopaths we know. At times when I’ve discussed the sociopaths in my life, I could see that they believed my diagnosis of those people as exaggerated. If only that was the case.
People think of them as evil serial killers and it isn’t entirely inaccurate either. I believe all sociopaths to be capable of ANYTHING. Many of them don’t act on desires like murder though as they are smart enough to know that prison will be an unpleasant experience. High-functioning sociopaths are far more frightening than the less intelligent ones who murder… they tend to be eventually imprisoned. High-functioning ones live (forever it seems) destroying the lives of their family and “friends”.
I’ve argued recently with someone who tried to blame my sister’s sociopathy on my parents and how she was raised. They ridiculed me for denying it….” there is no evil gene” he kept saying. I didn’t say there was an evil gene anyway, I believe there is a genetic and environmental component in many cases- for you, it isn’t a surprise that you had so many sociopaths in your life considering all of the children were raised by sociopaths- genetic component + abuse+ parental example= far more sociopaths than the norm.
I have only one other in my family. My mother’s sister. Her other siblings are normal. Besides my sociopath sister, I have 3 other siblings as well- none of them are sociopaths. In my opinion, one of them shows signs he is somewhere on the autism spectrum- aspergers perhaps. He is very smart but socially strange. He has a huge heart though.
My other siblings don’t speak to me because my sister has convinced them that I am the sociopath and that my parents are just too snowed by my lies to see reality. I had to stop being upset about it. My siblings are adults now and I can’t please everyone.
My life speaks for itself. Living well is the best revenge indeed.
October 18th, 2010 at 14:48
Right now I am too distraught to go into my family history w/ the sociopath/my sister….Like Larry, I was her target when she would go into her rages, etc and was often left alone with her at 11 yrs old, so my parents to get away for the weekends, where she would physically and violently abuse me….Fast forward to today, since I am dealing with an immediate situation that needs to be addressed:
Long story short, I had to get a restraining order against her for showing up at my doorstep, screaming obscenities, pounding on my doors and windows, going to my neighbors homes, while walking up and down my street calling me a “whore”….
Ok, this isn’t the only time she has humiliated and tried/and still tries to destroy me….I went immediately to the court house to get this restraining order( I had a no trespass notice, to avoid confronting her in thepast) but nowI’m living in fear for my life…. She is the most dangerous person I know and is capable of incredible evil! She has been on a one man mission to destroy me since I was a child….
My parents let her get away with hell and abusing me, because she had a “condition” and needed their help…HA! what about me? I was never protected from her or her beatings……Anyway, I am now in my 50′s and liviong in fear…I live alone, as I am widow, and now am sleeping with a knife under my pillow…I am classic PTSD too, as Larry mentioned………………………
I need help…. I isolate due to shame and trauma…It seems that the people I attract are all sociopathic….including my ex boyfriend who is hell bent on destroying me and my reputation….He and my sister both gloat and tell lies about me to everyone they meet! It’s a nightmare and I have thought of suicide….My mom died, my dad is in a nursing home and I cared for them both while they were ill….
The thing that set my sister off was the sale of my dad’s property in order to pay for his nursing home care….She was in a rage that she was not notified and did not get “her money”…..She always abused and terrorized them about money; lying and stealing credit cards, checks or whatever she could get her hands on….Now this………………….I need immediate advice, as I have no close friends who care……….
Can anyone offer me ANY advice as to what to do regarding the current situation with the restraining order??? Thank you so much for this site!!! I finally found people who understand and have gone through similar situations!
Thank you!
October 19th, 2010 at 19:26
Sandra,
The best way to deal with sociopaths is to disengage from them. I have read that restraining orders just incite them! Can you move and leave no forwarding address? If at all possible I would get as far away from them as possible.
Have you been to a doctor to be evaluated for your mental distress caused by your sister’s and ex-boyfriends abuse? If not do it now. Also keep a detailed journal of every contact, slur, rant, etc. from these people. Get a video cam mounted at your front door and record their visits. Get statements from your neighbors when they go up the street calling you names.
Give a copy of the journal to someone you trust, your pastor or a friend at church, or your Doctor. Inform your attorney if you have one. You may be able to sue them for damages for your mental distress from their harassment and abuse. However, I would not go down that road unless you cannot first RUN AWAY!!!
Good Luck.
October 22nd, 2010 at 04:38
Welcome Sandra,
Just hearing you describe such similar and debilitating pain, is extremely tough.
Karen gave excellent advice. I couldn’t say it better myself. A restraining order will only throw gasoline on the fire. You must quietly relocate, get a PO Box, and don’t have a home phone but only a cell phone. Cell phones are never listed. If you have a cell now, you can change the number by just calling your telco.
But get away from the evil. Do it with conviction. Don’t move away and let her find you, as you’d have to go through it all over again. Don’t give her any more opportunity to hurt you.
Most counties have little-to-no pay social services, including counseling and scripts for the meds you need to bring some of your overwhelmed sanity back where it needs to be. Don’t try to handle this without psychological and medical support. If you give her the chance, she will lead you to an early death. Usually if you call your local hospital, they can provide you with resources.
You can make progress … I never thought I’d see light from my pit, but there’s a little more each day. And even a tiny bit more is better than a little less.
You have the strength. Don’t forget that. Don’t let go of it.
You can do it.
Larry
@Karen, thank you.
May 19th, 2011 at 20:04
My problem is unique in that the sociopath that I have to deal with is my sister; and a quadriplegic.
In other words, other than her vengeful and acid mouth, I am the closest relative to her in the city. My other sister is in another state, far away from the situation. She has been a problem in my life since I was born. She was shot 40 years ago and left paralyzed. Her husband has just passed, and she has no caregiver except those paid.
She has manipulated me all my life. I have just recently discovered what she really is (sociopath) She lies, as quick as look at you. Right now she has me handling her money, but I fear that I may be set up in some way. I am, unfortunately, the closest relative, so I am looked upon as the person that should take care of her. She has gone through 3 caregivers already. They can only stand the abuse for about six months. The situation is almost impossible to deal with.
I do not know what to do. I cannot become her guardian because she has lied about me to so many people, that they think I am a bad person.
Help me
May 19th, 2011 at 20:33
Joyce,
The easiest resolution is often the most difficult to execute: move to another state. She apparently has already destroyed your character, and those who bought into her deceptions are likely not going to waver. Her lies are probably seeped in gaining sympathy.
If you cannot move away, then make it appear you have. Change your phone numbers, your email addresses and ignore her mail. If social services manages to contact you, be candid with them and tell them why she has no place in your life. If you have caller ID where you work, don’t pick up.
Cut all ties. She must be held accountable for her malicious actions. You’re not alone: I’ve cut all ties with my siblings.
Be resolute. You have your own life.
May 19th, 2011 at 20:43
Joyce,
I have a brother and sister who alienated our father from me, then they left him alone to drink himself to death in a filthy house.
After he died they ganged up on me, sued me for money Dad left to me, tried to prevent the administration of his estate, and we ended up at trial, a cruel and humiliating experience. I am done with them FOREVER! I think dealing with sociopaths in your family makes it harder because we want to be loving and forgiving and helpful. But sociopaths view our generosity and loving and forgiving nature as weaknesses they can exploit.
You must understand that your sister has no empathy or conscience. You must disengage from your sister, break all ties, move, do whatever it takes to get her out of your life. She is using her disability to get sympathy and maintain control over you. You sound like you feel you owe a duty to her, but you do not owe a duty to anyone who lies to you and about you, and who you think is setting you up! She will never change. You are only her plaything, her victim.
You must change your own view of this situation. She will survive, don’t let her destroy you! Don’t confront her or engage in any exchange, just stop all communication and contact NOW. Contact the bank in person and in writing, and tell them you will no longer have anything to do with your sister’s money. And don’t talk about her to anyone who may be in contact with her.
Look out for yourself! You deserve to be happy and free of her.
May 19th, 2011 at 21:29
Karen,
Thank you for chiming in. Your thoughts are right on the money.
May 19th, 2011 at 21:37
Thanks, Larry. And thanks for this blog. When I was at my wits end with my sociopath siblings, just understanding what they were helped me to get through the ordeal and finally when the trial was done last summer, then I could be free of them. I am still working on my book about it. I hope Joyce can break free of her sister.
May 19th, 2011 at 21:48
I would imagine a quadriplegic sociopath is very adept at obtaining pity. I encourage Joyce to somehow detach.
If she cannot legally become her sister’s guardian, she should thank her lucky stars because that would be the worst thing ever. I cannot imagine why she’d even consider it. Joyce, there is nothing you can do for your sister. If you leave her, she won’t be alone. She will manipulate and abuse someone else.
Just know that there is nothing in reality that you could do to fix her. It just isn’t possible.
May 19th, 2011 at 22:00
Thanks to each of you for your responses.
I know that all of you are right. I am so torn because she is a sibling, but I really wish at time that she was gone. I think I need help to deal with this. Have any of you sought psychological counseling to deal with a socipathic family member?
I am so glad that I found this site. It is comforting to be able to discuss this issue. I feel so alone. My husband does not understand how deep the issue goes, but he sees how she manipulates me. Is it wrong to hope that she will pass soon?
May 19th, 2011 at 22:30
Joyce,
Read The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. After I read that book I understood that my siblings were sociopaths, sister a narcissist and brother a bully, and they had been lying and scheming our whole lives. They created the crisis when our elderly father was sinking into depression and drinking. Not only would they would not come to help me get Dad to a doctor, they turned him against me.
I did not seek counseling when they were putting me through hell for three years, but I probably should have. But I read the book and had supportive family and friends who saw my siblings for what they are, cold and calculating evildoers. In my opinion your sister fits the sociopath mold of lies and manipulation. And the only way to deal with sociopaths is to NOT DEAL WITH THEM. You cannot fix her, and she does not love or respect you. For your sake, and your husband’s sake, wash your hands of her.
Walk away today! Move, change your phone numbers, get caller ID, disengage completely with no explanations or confrontations. You can take control this time! Be happy and free!
May 20th, 2011 at 01:19
I have ordered the book, The Sociopath Next Door. I know it will only confirm what I already know. For once in my life, I feel as if there are people that understand what I have been going through. Thanks to all of you.
My parents died thinking they did something wrong in how she was raised. I wish they had known the truth about her. They did nothing wrong. Where does this come from? Is there a genetic component? This means that there is someone else in my family that exhibits this behavior. I have no idea who.
May 20th, 2011 at 02:55
Joyce,
I’m glad you found this site. It seems to be fairly common for one to experience shock and disbelief, then sometimes denial or even anger, when faced with such a revelation. But after going through one’s emotions, many often turn to wanting to warn the unsuspecting, and console and guide those facing reality for the first time.
I want to thank Karen and Nic — and all others who’ve contributed elsewhere — for offering their own insights, as I believe it’s the words of others that make this site what it is.
The condition is genetic. From what you said, your parents were, at most, carriers, as are you potentially, and as I am. The “bad gene” is dormant in us. The next generation is at some level of risk.
May 20th, 2011 at 07:17
Joyce,
Another good book to read is Say Goodbye to Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individuals) by Stan Kapuchinski.
He describes traits of different types of sociopaths. What I learned is that sociopaths range from mild to horrible. The absolute worst are the killers, and thankfully there are few of them. Sociopaths usually appear normal to all but their victims. They can be very charming and very successful. The books tell you how sociopaths manipulate and control their victims.
For me as a victim, the lesson I learned was that I did nothing wrong, and that I was helpless as my siblings manipulated Dad with their lies about me, and then turned on me after he died. It took awhile for me to see that I was a victim, and that there was nothing I could do to fix the situation. Not all sociopaths are as bad as my siblings, or your sister. But you can learn to recognize them and to deal with the situation by cutting all ties with them. It’s no use wishing them dead, because as the saying goes, ‘Only the Good Die Young.’
May 24th, 2011 at 21:54
Thanks to each of your for your response to my story. I read the book The Sociopath Next Door. How enlightening. There are people in this book that mirror my sister. I am feeling freedom for the first time in my life. I thought I would have to wait to get to the pearly gates to find out WHY my sibling was the way she was.
Thanks to you all, I now know. I just wish my Mother and Dad would have lived to see that they did nothing wrong. It was just dumb luck to have a daughter that was a sociopath. Thanks to you all.
May 24th, 2011 at 22:18
Joyce, I am so relieved that you now know what and who your sociopath sister is. You are Free at Last! I wish you luck in detaching from her for good, and don’t look back! Your Mom and Dad are surely looking down from Heaven with love, understanding, and encouragement for you. Be Happy and Strong!
October 28th, 2011 at 14:39
I feel sick. This describes the family I married into. We’ve gone no-contact, relocated and unlisted our phone number, got caller ID and call blocking, etc. in order to keep them away.
My mother-in-law continues to assassinate my character in blogs and comments (using her own name) on internet news sites. She has compared me to a woman who murdered her husband and jumped off a cliff with her baby, among other things. She has tried to recruit strangers on the internet to report us to child welfare authorities.
My worst fear is that the bad gene will express itself in my child’s adolescent years. I can’t imagine anything worse.
The emerging field of epigenetics does not provide any comfort at all. BTW, autism and alcoholism in precending generations are a major area of study for that emerging field. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Larry’s father was alcoholic. This is not random.
October 29th, 2011 at 14:32
@ A daughter in Law …
I agree that knowing your young children potentially having the genetics that possibly manifest the disorder during their teens is a very scary thought. I raised my kids alone, giving them all the love and support I was able to. We had a great childhood together. But when the reached their teens, there was nothing I could do.
My dad was an alcoholic as far back as I remember. I’ve never heard of your theory before, as I just attributed his drinking to self-medication. That’s when he would become very mean.
January 26th, 2012 at 15:44
Larry, you are an incredibly brave and strong person! You remind me so much of my husband, who could probably do something similar to what you have done in starting up a website to help others due to his own experience. At some point I think I will probably read every single part of this website, but I only just found it 2 days ago.
I am currently reading The Sociopath Next Door as I was looking for a way to help my husband and I deal with his sociopath ex wife in the endless battle of fighting for custody of their 2 boys. We want to expose her so badly but after reading from your website I have decided that it won’t happen and we shouldn’t even try. Since their divorce 11 years ago, we believe she has been on a mission to cause so much grief to my husband (whom I fell in love with 6 years ago) that he would kill himself.
She does not even want the children but instead cares more about keeping them from their father (because he does want them) and keeping the steady flow of income that my husband has to pay her for “disparity of earnings.” The courts have shocked us many, many times with letting her get away with lies and terrible parental judgment. She puts on a good show of being a loving, caring mother but is a monster behind closed doors with her youngest son. I wish there was a way to prove this. I looked up antisocial personality disorder and her picture was there. I could hardly believe how perfectly it described her.
I wish we could cut ties with her and move very far away, but unfortunately in a custody battle it’s a constant source of frustration in our lives that we simply cannot escape or avoid. We wonder often how far she will take things to get what she wants.
We are fortunate in that we have each other (my husband and I) although this constant battle of fighting for the boys and defending ourselves against the character assassination puts a lot of stress on our marriage. We are also grateful that God pulls us through all of this and we have to stay in almost constant prayer to keep things together and protect those boys.
Thank you for putting this website together and for helping so many people. I am heart-broken to read that your ending was not the happy ending you deserved when it came to your children. I pray for you that God continue to bless you in ways you can’t imagine and to continue using you to help so many people.
God bless you!!
April 22nd, 2012 at 23:03
I found this site by searching for “dealing with a sociopathic sister.”
For the past several years, I’ve dealt with a sister who will lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate. While I won’t get into all of the particulars, I need some advice about how to deal with my mother, who continues to protect my sister, despite the damage she’s done to our family.
Last night, my youngest sister came to my house literally shaking. The sociopathic sister told my mother vile lies about my youngest sister, which allowed my sociopathic sister to garner the usual sympathy in order to get money (or whatever it is this time). You see, when my mother or family gets close to the truth about what my sociopathic sister is doing, she points the finger at my youngest sister and says outrageous things about her.
To attempt to make a long story somewhat shorter: I calmed my sister down and told her to not contact the sociopath or our mother. Well, she went against my advice and called our mother this morning. She told her she’s done being blamed for things she’s never done–that she doesn’t want to deal with either my sociopathic sister or her (my mother) anymore.
My mother responded with silence. She didn’t say one thing, presumably because she believes the sociopath. She told my husband last night that she feels we “gang up on (her).” I don’t know what to do. I’m furious with my mother for protecting the sociopath, yet I do love her. My husband and I will be having a baby soon and I don’t feel as if I can allow my mother in my life because of this.
In the last two months, I’ve had two close family members pass away. One was unexpected, the other was after a long illness. As a result, I know how short life is and I don’t want to estrange myself from my mother, yet feel I must because of how sick this situation is. What should I do? No matter what I, my step-father, my youngest sister, or anyone says, my mother will protect the sociopath.
I’m at a loss and I need advice.
April 22nd, 2012 at 23:44
Sarah,
I’m sure you know this, but you have an uphill battle with your mother. She’s what’s called an “enabler.” She enables your sister to live the lifestyle and get away with lies. It’s voluntary, but she feels a need to protect your sister for some reason. Is your sister the oldest?
You can get advice from just about anyone, and most will be different. But without knowing more of the dynamics, it’s tough for even me to give you proper advice. I don’t know what attempts you’ve already made.
One suggestion would be to compile evidence, such as emails, voice recordings (from phone calls or in-person with your sister), and anything else from the past that you can document.
It sounds as if your mother is not going to just believe words, so when you feel you have enough hard evidence to show your mom, take her to your house so you can expose you sister (you want to drive her so she can’t get up and leave). Have your other sister there, also, and anyone else who has be adversely affected by evil sister.
Your mom will likely get very defensive, so that meeting needs to be planned out very well so as not to overwhelm her. Keep your witnesses in a back room and only get them out one at a time if your mom completely fails to believe you.
Recording conversations is very easy now. I believe the least expensive iPod also records. I know personally that the iPod Touch will record hours and hours without stopping, as will an iPhone. Get a small microphone (from Amazon, for example) and talk to your sister using your speaker phone, and carry the iPod in your pocket with the mic sticking out just enough to pick up the conversations.
Maybe your mom will come to terms with her own desire to block out the truth. I hope for you she does.
These are just my personal opinions. An experienced therapist could give you professional advice. If you go that route, accept the fact that the first session with the therapist is you evaluating them. You want to find out if they have any real experience with psychopathy, and if they don’t, find someone else.
My history, though limited, is that very few therapists (psychologists, psychiatrists, etc.) have any real world psychopathy experience.
In any event, I think you need a recording device.
April 23rd, 2012 at 01:09
Hi Isa,
My apologies for overlooking your comment. I know that I am behind on replying to many comments … life can really get in the way of good intentions.
Thank you for the very kind words. My life took a sharp turn years ago when I realized my sister had teamed-up with my ex-wife to destroy me. I will never find the same path I was on, but I’ve gotten closer and I will continue to do so.
I had it differently than your husband since I was awarded full legal and physical custody of both my son and daughter, toddlers at the time. They are now both attending a university, though only my son will speak with me, and he has nothing to do with his mother. My daughter followed in her mother’s footsteps.
I believe most young parents have visions of raising good, confident children, keeping them safe, away from temptations, and guiding them into a happy and prosperous adulthood. I, for one, dreamed that the rewards from being a good parent would result in good, loving adult children.
Who would have known that something they were born with would stay dormant until their mid-to-late teens, and change them forever. Having that dream ripped out of me was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. I fought it until I discovered, by both personal experience and professional advice, that I just had to let it all go. Otherwise, it would affect my health.
My ex took me to court three more times, not to get custody, but to have her child support payments eliminated. She failed. Attorneys are the only ones who make out.
My opinion for you, based on my own experience, is to come to terms with what you can affect, and what you can’t … and then try to accept that. You need to put you and your husband first, and come to some sort of peace in your life. A sociopath has virtually no limits, but you, as good people, do. To them, a court room is just like any other place when it comes to exercising their traits, such as lying and manipulating. She’ll out-and-out lie in court and to her lawyers. The most important thing for you is to have good, solid evidence. Record every conversation you have with her. Save all emails.
Kids can be very resilient, and sharper than we give them credit for. I never once said anything negative to my kids about their mom. I knew they would begin to see for themselves, and they began asking questions way earlier than I had expected. But when they were still young, I would often reply with “How about we talk about that when you get a little older.” And they always just replied with “OK.” You and your husband want to be the loving, great examples of parents that those boys will see. They will be able to tell the difference.
I wish the best for you.
April 23rd, 2012 at 12:57
@Sarah, Personally, if I had a baby I would stay far away from the enablers to the sociopaths, if it was possible. An enabler to a sociopath is not a safe person and not as innocent as they appear – whether they decide to be aware of reality and what they do or not. JMO.
April 23rd, 2012 at 23:24
Hi Larry,
Thank you for the advice—it’s made me feel so much better to be able to speak out about this and have someone listen who has gone through it. I’m not sure recording my sister will matter at this point. I have zero contact with her, and after this latest character assassination, my youngest sister will not be contacting her either.
The sociopath, Rebecca, is the middle sibling. There are three of us, and I’m the oldest. Growing up, my father was an abusive alcoholic and I took the brunt of that abuse. At the time, I wanted to protect my mother and sisters—nothing a child should have to do. Looking back, I realize my mother was co-dependent and unable to break ties with my father. Eventually, he left her for another woman. When my father remarried, I was forbidden from telling my stepmother about the abuse. He painted a happy childhood for us and told her what a good father he was. Because I didn’t want to “rock the boat,” I’ve never told her otherwise. About six months ago, my step-mother came to my younger sister’s house (let’s call her “Beth”) and asked if what my father told her about us growing up was true. My sister told me she began shaking and told her she couldn’t talk about it. I know my step-mother knows something is not right, but they’re in their 70s now, so I don’t expect her to divorce him. In any case, it’s caused me and Beth a lot of emotional problems. As for Rebecca, she’s taken after my father.
In the last seven years or so, I’ve realized my sister is a sociopath (I’m 34 now). I’ll give some examples of what she’s recently done:
My mother and step-father travel frequently, and since I live close to them, I take care of their animals. One evening, I came over to feed the cats and found Rebecca there. She was going through my mother’s things. I asked her what she was doing and she lied about needing some tools to do housework. I was suspicious and called my mother to tell her about it—but my sister beat me to the punch and called my mother to tell her she’d stopped by to “borrow tools.” When they came home, there were several expensive items, mail, money and prescription pills (not tools) missing. I told my mother I knew it was Rebecca but when my Mom asked Rebecca about it, she told my Mom she’d come to the house and found Beth rummaging through my Mom’s house. My mother called the police on Beth. After interviewing her, the police were convinced Beth was telling the truth. They contacted my mother and said they were going to contact Rebecca about the stolen property. My mother dropped the charges and told them she wasn’t going to pursue them against Rebecca.
Another time, several items came up missing from Beth’s house. She knew it was my sister, but decided to not call the police because Rebecca has two daughters and she wanted to protect the girls. The girls figure prominently in the family drama because we want to protect them. Rebecca doesn’t work and my mother pays ~ $2000 a month for Rebecca’s expenses. Even so, my sister collects unemployment, food stamps and child support. Despite this assistance, my sister will not buy the girls’ clothing, school supplies, etc. and gets my mother to help with it. Additionally, my mother takes the girls on weekends and sometimes during the week, and even takes them to school. All of this while my mother continues to work full-time. Meanwhile, my mother hardly ever sees my children or Beth’s children. I can’t tell you how much that’s hurt us.
In another instance, my oldest niece called and told Beth they didn’t have food in the house. Beth went to the grocery store and bought $150 worth of groceries for the kids. When she brought it over, she confronted my sister about why she wasn’t feeding the girls. Guess what happened soon after? Rebecca called Child Protective Services (CPS) on Beth for neglecting her kids. When CPS showed up on my sister’s doorstep, she called me and I left work to go to Beth’s house, knowing Rebecca was behind it. Beth was bawling when I got there and we told the CPS rep we knew Rebecca was behind it. After investigating it, the charges were “unfounded” and it was dropped. At the time, we told the CPS rep what was going on at Rebecca’s house and they went over to investigate. Rebecca pretended she was having a medical emergency and was rushed to the hospital. Guess what? There was nothing wrong, but somehow it was enough to get CPS off her case—I’m not sure how that happened. Perhaps they’re still working on it because that was only three months ago.
So, fast-forward to what happened a few days ago. My mother called me up and told me she was going to a furniture auction and asked me to go with her and Beth. I agreed. A few minutes before I was going to leave, I got a text from Rebecca saying, “I’m on my way. This will be fun!” I was furious because Rebecca and I don’t speak so I took this as a short of threat. Also, she never comes to family gatherings unless there is something in it for her. I called my Mom and told her I wasn’t going—told her I knew Rebecca had an angle and was hoping my Mother would buy her new furniture. Beth still went with them. While they were gone, my oldest niece (14 y/o) cared of my nephew and nieces. My son told me he wanted to go visit with them and walked over (again, we live quite close). When they returned, Rebecca asked my 11 year old son why I “hate her.” Eleven years old and she’s confronting him! My son said he didn’t know. Rebecca then blew up at Beth and told her she was poisoning me and everyone against her. In my mother’s front yard, she began screaming at her, hurling insults and telling outrageous lies—all in front of the kids. What does my Mom do? She tells Beth she needs to leave. Beth ends up at my house, as I describe in my first message. My husband goes straight over to pick up our son and my sister’s purse, which she’d left there. My mother came outside and told my husband everyone “gangs up on Rebecca.” This, despite the fact Rebecca started this. She went on to tell my husband about the things Rebecca told her about Beth—including telling my mother Beth was on drugs! As if—my sister won’t even drink, much less take drugs.
The next day, my sister called my Mom and told her she couldn’t have contact with her anymore because my Mother continues to believe Rebecca’s lies. She told her she wouldn’t see her or her kids for a while and was crying. This is when my mother responded with absolute silence. Beth hung up with her and called me. As you can imagine, I’m heartbroken about this. I truly love my mother and want to talk to her, but fear what will happen if I do. I’m afraid Rebecca begin a campaign against me as she’s done this in the past. As I said in my first message, I fear my my mother will not know my soon-to-be-born child.
I have no hope that it’ll ever stop, and after reading through the website, I know it probably won’t. Right now, my step-father is out of town. He can’t stand Rebecca and sees her for what she is. I’m thinking of contacting him to tell him what’s happened–maybe he could talk some reason to my Mom. Oh, as far as my step-father goes, my sister has told lies about him as well in an attempt to get my Mom to divorce him—presumably so she could have my Mom (and her bank account) all to herself.
Again, thank you for having this website. Despite my feelings of hopelessness, it helps to know other people have had this happen and can offer some bit of support.
Take care,
Sarah
April 23rd, 2012 at 23:36
I forgot. I saw a documentary titled, “Are you good or evil” a while back (you can access it in several parts in the website below), and it’s interesting how psychopathy can be genetic. Also, it describes how psychopathy is exceptionally common in the corporate world–no surprise to most of us, I’m sure! http://www.documentarywire.com/are-you-good-or-evil
April 24th, 2012 at 00:47
Psychopathy is genetic. That’s a fact. Upbringing cannot create a psychopath, nor prevent one. I have not seen the video, so can I stand by it as fully legit. The video appears on a website that solicites videos from people. Just because it’s a video, it holds no more credibility that anything. My warning is you keep n open mind as you should on anything on the Web.
April 24th, 2012 at 01:12
Hi Larry,
As a librarian, I understand your concern about the legitimacy of the video. I would say the very same things to my patrons.
Originally, I saw it on BBC America or the Discovery Channel. In any case, I’ll give a link that will at least give people an idea of the video’s legitimacy (and a much better description): http://www.worldcat.org/title/are-you-good-or-evil/oclc/779761831&referer=brief_results. It looks like only two libraries own it right now, but it was produced in 2011, so this isn’t unusual. My step-mother suggested “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout so I’ve ordered that via interlibrary loan. I need to know all I can at this point. This website also helps a great deal. Take care, Sarah
April 24th, 2012 at 01:41
Hi Sarah,
I question the legitimacy of almost everything on the web. Many people will believe anything they read on the web, and with something as slick as a video, the belief rate increases.
I was not referring to you directly, but to others who would read your recommendation and take anything hook, line and sinker. As I mentioned, I have not viewed it, but I will certainly try to. Just as a psychopath lies and people believe it, this is a follow the leader world.
As I just wrote in another reply: “I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” In general, I wish every day that more people will begin to think for themselves. Sarah, I truly appreciate your input, and apologize if it came across offensively.
September 20th, 2012 at 11:11
Larry,
Do you think it is possible that there is also an element of choice involved, as well as the genetic factor? For example, there is a gene associated with alcoholism and those who carry it will be ‘tempted’ to become addicted to alcohol use and would have to work hard to overcome it, whereas those who don’t carry the gene are just not prone to become alcholics no matter what.
But those who carry the gene don’t automatically become alcholics, they can choose to get help and use various tools to overcome the act of ‘being’ an alcoholic, ie drinking too much.
October 24th, 2012 at 18:04
Thank you for starting up this site and sharing your story. Thank you to all of you that have shared your story.
I came across the site while searching for some understanding. No one understand what I lived through and why I still live in fear. I exposed my ex-husband who is a sociopath. I told him I figured out what he has done before I met him and while we were married. I told him I figured out what he did to me how he gained my trust used it against me and his plan for after he destroyed my life. I sent him to jail after pressing charges for assaulting me, He beat me up pretty bad and the I did not have to say a thing the judge saw the pictures, not one place on my body was free of bruises and swelling.
I exposed a dirty side of him and when he got out of jail the nightmare really started. He has lied, and slandered my character so bad I have been alienated from where I used to live, from friends and family. He lied in court, lied and filed false criminal charges against me, charges I later got dismissed but not with implications.
He vowed to get even and he has and will continue until he know I will never speak about who he really is and what he has really done and will do.
He knows I have records, documents, videos, pictures everything that proves all of the crimes he committed, people he scammed and is still scamming, how he scammed the IRS and other government agencies. I have not pursued any of it because he always finds a way to get away with it and turn it back around at me or others. He goes to the doctor and says he is hallucinating, or can not remember and these doctors write him recommendations and notes, to get out of community service, charges and gains sympathy. So I know if I step forward I may not live to finish the fight. The only reason I still contemplate exposing him fully is because he will never leave me alone anyways.
His friends have jumped on board with the slander and lies, I was helping out at a place with children and his friend goes there to confirm it then calls the people and tells them I am dangerous and a stalker, I wont leave my ex alone, I wouldn’t divorce him, all lies. I filed the divorce and he never showed up, not even at the final hearing.
They ruined my chances for internships in very prominent positions. I am beginning to think my ex and his friends are all sociopaths because they all run the same scam and pic the same victims.
People think I lost my mind and have no understanding of the kind of person I am dealing with. I had to go in hiding because it has been over a year and the harassment, threats and slander has not stopped.
He fools everyone so I am scared to pursue anything against him anymore, but at the same time he stole everything from me except my last breath, and if he could get that he would.
I do not think he fully grasped my inner strength and trust me he broke me down to the lowest point I have ever reached, death at times was more appealing then dealing with him.
There is just a part of me that wants him stopped so he can never hurt anyone again. But at what cost will I have to pay.
I am sorry for going on about all this, this is the first time in a very long time I have felt like I found a place where I am understood, a place where other people have been there and understand.
Victims are left confused or at least I am and alone to fight for their life back.
These are dangerous people they prey on innocent people and destroy them with no guilt or remorse I know I married someone like this.
If I could find someone with knowledge like I have found on this site to help me work through this, heal and have a good life it would be a dream come true.
October 24th, 2012 at 19:13
Surviving,
I understand a little of what you went through, and I know it’s an unimaginable and indescribable hell. It is next to impossible to think straight, the pain is immense, and it’s difficult to know what to do to help yourself. I’ve found some things that have helped me, but everyone is different.
Let me know how you’re doing, if you feel like it.
Annette
October 25th, 2012 at 09:32
Thank You Annette
I am open to suggestion if you have any at this point. Every day I am full of anxiety, can’t concentrate, looking over my shoulder, questioning my own sanity, it all plays through my mind like a bad rerun I want shut off.
I did go through a period things became quiet I thought it was over, then bam, as I sat across from him in court and listened to him make threats in court and get away with it, baddger me in court, I was in tears asked for them to stop him from doing it, all they told him was to move on and leave me alone.
He responded he was going to go after me and file more charges on off the wall things. After that experience more started happening again and IO thought it will never end will it,. just when things in my life start going well and I am happy free of thoughts of him and the past, it is all shoved right back in my face.
They do that don’t they when they see you moved on and are happy they have to mess it up. I thought they would be happy with you gone, but I guess not.
I have been asked by doctors if I ever thought about taking my life, I laughed at them and said even though I am living in hell, I will never ever give him the satisfaction of knowing I was dead. I made it out I will keep fighting for me to have some ounce of a good life.
October 25th, 2012 at 14:25
Some things that helped me:
No contact, as much as possible, or minimum contact. Being away from the N led to me beginning to think and feel more normal.
No contact with anyone or any place that has anything to do with him. People and places triggered my PTSD.
My faith and spirituality helped the most. Putting the situation and the problems in God’s hands relieved me of the burdon of fixing something I could not fix. Reading the Psalms – there is a lot us understanding by the Psalmists of being unjustly persecuted or pursued, and promises that God will avenge us of our enemies. The Bible offers an understanding of evil that many people don’t recognize that it exists.
Try not to get in a competition/war/win-lose mentality with the N. That is what they want. That is a hook. It took me years to disengage from that. I am now trying to live my life as though he does not exist. And in a way, he does not, because his existence doesn’t intersect with mine.
If you are not physically safe, you might make it a priority to arrange things so that you can live without any contact and where he cannot ‘get to you’, where he does not even know you exist. For yourself, try not to think about him. Maybe just think about him less and less every day.
Finding a therapist and/or an attorney who understands personality disordered people might help. I have not done this.
Prayers for you,
Annette
Annette recommends:
Healing Trauma
Guided Relaxation for Repairing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships
Narcissism and Relationships Blog
October 25th, 2012 at 15:16
Surviving, If I were in your shoes I would move far away, petition the court for a name change, ask for a new social security card, get new bank accounts and credit cards in your new name, and basically put yourself in a witness protection program. Make copies of all evidence you have against him and give it to an attorney for safekeeping. Put all original evidence in a safe deposit box. In other words, get away from him and all of his friends, and don’t look back. Imagine the happy life you want to have, and start living it today!