I question the legitimacy of almost everything on the web. Many people will believe anything they read on the web, and with something as slick as a video, the belief rate increases.

I was not referring to you directly, but to others who would read your recommendation and take anything hook, line and sinker. As I mentioned, I have not viewed it, but I will certainly try to. Just as a psychopath lies and people believe it, this is a follow the leader world.

As I just wrote in another reply: “I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” In general, I wish every day that more people will begin to think for themselves. Sarah, I truly appreciate your input, and apologize if it came across offensively.

As a librarian, I understand your concern about the legitimacy of the video. I would say the very same things to my patrons. Originally, I saw it on BBC America or the Discovery Channel. In any case, I’ll give a link that will at least give people an idea of the video’s legitimacy (and a much better description): http://www.worldcat.org/title/are-you-good-or-evil/oclc/779761831&referer=brief_results. It looks like only two libraries own it right now, but it was produced in 2011, so this isn’t unusual. My step-mother suggested “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout so I’ve ordered that via interlibrary loan. I need to know all I can at this point. This website also helps a great deal. Take care, Sarah

The sociopath, Rebecca, is the middle sibling. There are three of us, and I’m the oldest. Growing up, my father was an abusive alcoholic and I took the brunt of that abuse. At the time, I wanted to protect my mother and sisters—nothing a child should have to do. Looking back, I realize my mother was co-dependent and unable to break ties with my father. Eventually, he left her for another woman. When my father remarried, I was forbidden from telling my stepmother about the abuse. He painted a happy childhood for us and told her what a good father he was. Because I didn’t want to “rock the boat,” I’ve never told her otherwise. About six months ago, my step-mother came to my younger sister’s house (let’s call her “Beth”) and asked if what my father told her about us growing up was true. My sister told me she began shaking and told her she couldn’t talk about it. I know my step-mother knows something is not right, but they’re in their 70s now, so I don’t expect her to divorce him. In any case, it’s caused me and Beth a lot of emotional problems. As for Rebecca, she’s taken after my father.

In the last seven years or so, I’ve realized my sister is a sociopath (I’m 34 now). I’ll give some examples of what she’s recently done:

My mother and step-father travel frequently, and since I live close to them, I take care of their animals. One evening, I came over to feed the cats and found Rebecca there. She was going through my mother’s things. I asked her what she was doing and she lied about needing some tools to do housework. I was suspicious and called my mother to tell her about it—but my sister beat me to the punch and called my mother to tell her she’d stopped by to “borrow tools.” When they came home, there were several expensive items, mail, money and prescription pills (not tools) missing. I told my mother I knew it was Rebecca but when my Mom asked Rebecca about it, she told my Mom she’d come to the house and found Beth rummaging through my Mom’s house. My mother called the police on Beth. After interviewing her, the police were convinced Beth was telling the truth. They contacted my mother and said they were going to contact Rebecca about the stolen property. My mother dropped the charges and told them she wasn’t going to pursue them against Rebecca.

Another time, several items came up missing from Beth’s house. She knew it was my sister, but decided to not call the police because Rebecca has two daughters and she wanted to protect the girls. The girls figure prominently in the family drama because we want to protect them. Rebecca doesn’t work and my mother pays ~ $2000 a month for Rebecca’s expenses. Even so, my sister collects unemployment, food stamps and child support. Despite this assistance, my sister will not buy the girls’ clothing, school supplies, etc. and gets my mother to help with it. Additionally, my mother takes the girls on weekends and sometimes during the week, and even takes them to school. All of this while my mother continues to work full-time. Meanwhile, my mother hardly ever sees my children or Beth’s children. I can’t tell you how much that’s hurt us.

In another instance, my oldest niece called and told Beth they didn’t have food in the house. Beth went to the grocery store and bought $150 worth of groceries for the kids. When she brought it over, she confronted my sister about why she wasn’t feeding the girls. Guess what happened soon after? Rebecca called Child Protective Services (CPS) on Beth for neglecting her kids. When CPS showed up on my sister’s doorstep, she called me and I left work to go to Beth’s house, knowing Rebecca was behind it. Beth was bawling when I got there and we told the CPS rep we knew Rebecca was behind it. After investigating it, the charges were “unfounded” and it was dropped. At the time, we told the CPS rep what was going on at Rebecca’s house and they went over to investigate. Rebecca pretended she was having a medical emergency and was rushed to the hospital. Guess what? There was nothing wrong, but somehow it was enough to get CPS off her case—I’m not sure how that happened. Perhaps they’re still working on it because that was only three months ago.

So, fast-forward to what happened a few days ago. My mother called me up and told me she was going to a furniture auction and asked me to go with her and Beth. I agreed. A few minutes before I was going to leave, I got a text from Rebecca saying, “I’m on my way. This will be fun!” I was furious because Rebecca and I don’t speak so I took this as a short of threat. Also, she never comes to family gatherings unless there is something in it for her. I called my Mom and told her I wasn’t going—told her I knew Rebecca had an angle and was hoping my Mother would buy her new furniture. Beth still went with them. While they were gone, my oldest niece (14 y/o) cared of my nephew and nieces. My son told me he wanted to go visit with them and walked over (again, we live quite close). When they returned, Rebecca asked my 11 year old son why I “hate her.” Eleven years old and she’s confronting him! My son said he didn’t know. Rebecca then blew up at Beth and told her she was poisoning me and everyone against her. In my mother’s front yard, she began screaming at her, hurling insults and telling outrageous lies—all in front of the kids. What does my Mom do? She tells Beth she needs to leave. Beth ends up at my house, as I describe in my first message. My husband goes straight over to pick up our son and my sister’s purse, which she’d left there. My mother came outside and told my husband everyone “gangs up on Rebecca.” This, despite the fact Rebecca started this. She went on to tell my husband about the things Rebecca told her about Beth—including telling my mother Beth was on drugs! As if—my sister won’t even drink, much less take drugs.

The next day, my sister called my Mom and told her she couldn’t have contact with her anymore because my Mother continues to believe Rebecca’s lies. She told her she wouldn’t see her or her kids for a while and was crying. This is when my mother responded with absolute silence. Beth hung up with her and called me. As you can imagine, I’m heartbroken about this. I truly love my mother and want to talk to her, but fear what will happen if I do. I’m afraid Rebecca begin a campaign against me as she’s done this in the past. As I said in my first message, I fear my my mother will not know my soon-to-be-born child.

I have no hope that it’ll ever stop, and after reading through the website, I know it probably won’t. Right now, my step-father is out of town. He can’t stand Rebecca and sees her for what she is. I’m thinking of contacting him to tell him what’s happened–maybe he could talk some reason to my Mom. Oh, as far as my step-father goes, my sister has told lies about him as well in an attempt to get my Mom to divorce him—presumably so she could have my Mom (and her bank account) all to herself.

Again, thank you for having this website. Despite my feelings of hopelessness, it helps to know other people have had this happen and can offer some bit of support.
Take care,
Sarah

My apologies for overlooking your comment. I know that I am behind on replying to many comments … life can really get in the way of good intentions.

Thank you for the very kind words. My life took a sharp turn years ago when I realized my sister had teamed-up with my ex-wife to destroy me. I will never find the same path I was on, but I’ve gotten closer and I will continue to do so.

I had it differently than your husband since I was awarded full legal and physical custody of both my son and daughter, toddlers at the time. They are now both attending a university, though only my son will speak with me, and he has nothing to do with his mother. My daughter followed in her mother’s footsteps.

I believe most young parents have visions of raising good, confident children, keeping them safe, away from temptations, and guiding them into a happy and prosperous adulthood. I, for one, dreamed that the rewards from being a good parent would result in good, loving adult children.

Who would have known that something they were born with would stay dormant until their mid-to-late teens, and change them forever. Having that dream ripped out of me was one of the most difficult experiences in my life. I fought it until I discovered, by both personal experience and professional advice, that I just had to let it all go. Otherwise, it would affect my health.

My ex took me to court three more times, not to get custody, but to have her child support payments eliminated. She failed. Attorneys are the only ones who make out.

My opinion for you, based on my own experience, is to come to terms with what you can affect, and what you can’t … and then try to accept that. You need to put you and your husband first, and come to some sort of peace in your life. A sociopath has virtually no limits, but you, as good people, do. To them, a court room is just like any other place when it comes to exercising their traits, such as lying and manipulating. She’ll out-and-out lie in court and to her lawyers. The most important thing for you is to have good, solid evidence. Record every conversation you have with her. Save all emails.

Kids can be very resilient, and sharper than we give them credit for. I never once said anything negative to my kids about their mom. I knew they would begin to see for themselves, and they began asking questions way earlier than I had expected. But when they were still young, I would often reply with “How about we talk about that when you get a little older.” And they always just replied with “OK.” You and your husband want to be the loving, great examples of parents that those boys will see. They will be able to tell the difference.

I wish the best for you.

I’m sure you know this, but you have an uphill battle with your mother. She’s what’s called an “enabler.” She enables your sister to live the lifestyle and get away with lies. It’s voluntary, but she feels a need to protect your sister for some reason. Is your sister the oldest?

You can get advice from just about anyone, and most will be different. But without knowing more of the dynamics, it’s tough for even me to give you proper advice. I don’t know what attempts you’ve already made.

One suggestion would be to compile evidence, such as emails, voice recordings (from phone calls or in-person with your sister), and anything else from the past that you can document.

It sounds as if your mother is not going to just believe words, so when you feel you have enough hard evidence to show your mom, take her to your house so you can expose you sister (you want to drive her so she can’t get up and leave). Have your other sister there, also, and anyone else who has be adversely affected by evil sister.

Your mom will likely get very defensive, so that meeting needs to be planned out very well so as not to overwhelm her. Keep your witnesses in a back room and only get them out one at a time if your mom completely fails to believe you.

Recording conversations is very easy now. I believe the least expensive iPod also records. I know personally that the iPod Touch will record hours and hours without stopping, as will an iPhone. Get a small microphone (from Amazon, for example) and talk to your sister using your speaker phone, and carry the iPod in your pocket with the mic sticking out just enough to pick up the conversations.

Maybe your mom will come to terms with her own desire to block out the truth. I hope for you she does.

These are just my personal opinions. An experienced therapist could give you professional advice. If you go that route, accept the fact that the first session with the therapist is you evaluating them. You want to find out if they have any real experience with psychopathy, and if they don’t, find someone else.

My history, though limited, is that very few therapists (psychologists, psychiatrists, etc.) have any real world psychopathy experience.

In any event, I think you need a recording device.

For the past several years, I’ve dealt with a sister who will lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate. While I won’t get into all of the particulars, I need some advice about how to deal with my mother, who continues to protect my sister, despite the damage she’s done to our family.

Last night, my youngest sister came to my house literally shaking. The sociopathic sister told my mother vile lies about my youngest sister, which allowed my sociopathic sister to garner the usual sympathy in order to get money (or whatever it is this time). You see, when my mother or family gets close to the truth about what my sociopathic sister is doing, she points the finger at my youngest sister and says outrageous things about her.

To attempt to make a long story somewhat shorter: I calmed my sister down and told her to not contact the sociopath or our mother. Well, she went against my advice and called our mother this morning. She told her she’s done being blamed for things she’s never done–that she doesn’t want to deal with either my sociopathic sister or her (my mother) anymore.

My mother responded with silence. She didn’t say one thing, presumably because she believes the sociopath. She told my husband last night that she feels we “gang up on (her).” I don’t know what to do. I’m furious with my mother for protecting the sociopath, yet I do love her. My husband and I will be having a baby soon and I don’t feel as if I can allow my mother in my life because of this.

In the last two months, I’ve had two close family members pass away. One was unexpected, the other was after a long illness. As a result, I know how short life is and I don’t want to estrange myself from my mother, yet feel I must because of how sick this situation is. What should I do? No matter what I, my step-father, my youngest sister, or anyone says, my mother will protect the sociopath.

I’m at a loss and I need advice.

I am currently reading The Sociopath Next Door as I was looking for a way to help my husband and I deal with his sociopath ex wife in the endless battle of fighting for custody of their 2 boys. We want to expose her so badly but after reading from your website I have decided that it won’t happen and we shouldn’t even try. Since their divorce 11 years ago, we believe she has been on a mission to cause so much grief to my husband (whom I fell in love with 6 years ago) that he would kill himself.

She does not even want the children but instead cares more about keeping them from their father (because he does want them) and keeping the steady flow of income that my husband has to pay her for “disparity of earnings.” The courts have shocked us many, many times with letting her get away with lies and terrible parental judgment. She puts on a good show of being a loving, caring mother but is a monster behind closed doors with her youngest son. I wish there was a way to prove this. I looked up antisocial personality disorder and her picture was there. I could hardly believe how perfectly it described her.

I wish we could cut ties with her and move very far away, but unfortunately in a custody battle it’s a constant source of frustration in our lives that we simply cannot escape or avoid. We wonder often how far she will take things to get what she wants.

We are fortunate in that we have each other (my husband and I) although this constant battle of fighting for the boys and defending ourselves against the character assassination puts a lot of stress on our marriage. We are also grateful that God pulls us through all of this and we have to stay in almost constant prayer to keep things together and protect those boys.

Thank you for putting this website together and for helping so many people. I am heart-broken to read that your ending was not the happy ending you deserved when it came to your children. I pray for you that God continue to bless you in ways you can’t imagine and to continue using you to help so many people.

God bless you!!