Synopsis :: REVISED: 2010 JUL 26 — A sociopath may have many, many followers, but a disciple would belong to the sociopath’s most trusted inner-circle. A disciple is completely devoted and loyal, based on a combination of being shallow, gullible, needy, as well as ignorant. They are the ultimate groupies. 
Revised: 2011 Jan 18 (First published: 2010 Jun 7)
My week began with a brief call intended for my brother, Alan, but instead turned into a long call with his wife, Karen. I believe we spoke for close to two hours, something I don’t believe she and I had ever done before. I never did speak with Alan.
A couple days after that call, though, something hit me: an overwhelming intuition that Karen has been kept in the dark. I have no idea why that instinct took so long to arrive, but in my mind, it was unquestionable. There were parts of the conversation that I felt Karen should have been aware of, but she wasn’t. By the time the instinct arrived, I couldn’t even remember which parts they were. I only felt that darkness that surrounded her.
I can’t hold something in about someone, if I know they are being used or mistreated. There is a fine line there, since it’s not the norm to speak out, but there are the times that necessity rules. It certainly can be a no-win situation, but I’ve had enough wins to make it worth while.
I needed to call Karen, and without any embellishment, tell her exactly what I felt. Throughout my life, I’ve learned that my instincts are usually never wrong, and this one felt no different.
The second call to Karen.
Since I knew my chances of getting her at home were slim, I called her at her office. The call was not meant to last long, and I only intended to provide information, not inquire about any. In so many words, this is what I said:
“After we spoke, I had an overwhelming instinct. I have no proof whatsoever, but I felt I needed to share it with you just as an FYI — just so you can be aware of it and I can get it off my chest. Based on parts of our discussion that you seemed unfamiliar with, I had a strong sense that you are being kept in the dark at some level. And that’s it.”
Karen’s response was one of surprise, as it included a dash of defensiveness. At some point, I asked her of Alan’s knowledge of our call. She replied that he was well aware of it, it didn’t bother him, and he even sat in the room off and on.
I interpreted that as: he was well aware of it, it bothered him immensely, to the point of sitting-in and listening. Within just the first few minutes, Karen stated, “Well I don’t have any reason to believe that Alan is lying to me …”
Larry: “Wait! I never said that you were being lied to … I said ‘kept in the dark’ and there’s a huge difference. Kept in the dark just means you are not being told everything.”
Unlike the long call we had, Karen had dropped into an unexpected defensive mode, even though my only message had been the darkness instinct. Later I discovered that Alan responded to the call by quickly increasing his character assassination of me, specifically making me out to be a liar.
Figuring it was a good time to change subjects, I recalled an old question that I had always wanted to ask Karen, and that was regarding Alan’s behavior at their wedding, about 25 years earlier, where I was Alan’s best man. I asked Karen if Alan ever apologized to her, since he never did to me. ¹
Karen: “Yes he did. Actually, Alan has changed a lot since then.“ Karen does not seem to know what a persona is, though she can unknowingly identify when Alan created his.
L: “No, he really hasn’t. Al hasn’t changed. He’s still the same.“
K: “Oh no, he has definitely changed to me.”
L: “All he’s done is modify his behavior for you … it’s for control. If he had actually changed, everyone would see it, and he would have apologized to me, too, for the way he treated me on your wedding day.”
K: “Alan told me that never happened.”
L: “What?! Why would he bring up and explain an incident to you when he stated it ‘never happened’?“
K: “Al told me that you told him, and Al told me it was a lie.“ ¹
L: “Wow! You just confirmed a bunch of stuff for me. First, Al’s not just keeping you in the dark, he’s blatantly lying to you. He’s also manipulating and controlling you. And, you confirmed that he is still attacking my character.”
“He took an opportunity to tell you that I’m lying about something that he’s never denied to me, yet now he denies it to you in private, thus implicating me as a liar … yet it is he who is lying.
“Tell me, Karen, when have you ever caught me lying? I’ll answer that for you — you never have, nor has anyone else. But since he’s your husband, you would naturally believe him, even though he’s a pathological liar. It’s just Alan taking an opportunity to continue my character assassination.”
K: “None of that proves anything to me … it’s still your word against his.”
Karen was correct. I had not provided any undeniable substantiation, but her comment made me believe that she would not go out of her way to discover the truth, especially if doing so could create a conflict with her established loyalties — her one big loyalty being Alan. Given Alan’s violent and hot-tempered demeanor, I’ve always wondered if her loyalty to him could be partially fueled by intimidation.
Karen had to get back to work, so our call ended right here. We spoke for 10-15 minutes.
The best was yet to come.
During that following weekend, as I thought back to that second call with Karen, I was drawn to a comment she made, which at the time, surprised me because it was off-topic. In the middle of discussing her wedding day back in the 1980s, Karen jumped to an event in 2006 which she said occurred at my sister, Kathy’s Arizona home, during the time mom was there.
Karen told me that when I called Kathy’s house and asked for mom, mom replied by saying she did not want to speak with me.
That’s a misinterpretation that I’ve heard many times since dad died, and most likely planted by Kathy with that specific goal — to be hurtful. I told Karen that it’s commonly misunderstood, as mom did not feel comfortable holding conversations with me in front of anyone, especially dad, Alan, or Kathy.
I had the closest relationship with mom out of anyone in the family, and when mom was home alone, we’d talk and laugh for one, even two hours until dad came home. Karen responded somewhat surprised, and got kind of quiet, at which point I moved us back to the topic we were on.
But as I thought through Karen’s comment again, something hit me as odd. I remember clearly that Karen said she was right there with mom when I had called, and that she directly heard mom say she did not want to speak with me. That’s about as close as one can get to an outright admission, since based on that, Karen had just blatantly lied to me. That story was completely fabricated.
That slip-up on Karen’s part just proved her to be a sociopath’s disciple — someone who will lie to protect the person they say never lies. Additionally, it potentially added her to my list of those attacking my character, since her off-topic comment was meant to be hurtful, and something she certainly spread to others.
How Karen almost got away with it.
You see, the event Karen described would have required that I was on the phone and calling Kathy’s house to speak with mom … but I wasn’t. The event never occurred. Once Kathy got mom to her house, she told me on the phone, in the most evil manner, that I would never speak with mom again … still laughing as she slammed down the phone.
After that, I called mom only at the hospital … never again at Kathy’s.
Hence, that event that Karen claimed she overheard while at Kathy’s house had never taken place. And what really surprised me, was I almost missed that Karen’s comment was a completely fabricated lie … yet it had involved me. At this point, I’m not quite sure what to think of that.
I decided to raise the question of accuracy with Karen, via email, and ask her to confirm when it took place. I felt as if I were giving her an opportunity to come clean, or correct herself.
The emails …
2010 Jun 1, 13:52
TO: Karen
FR: Larry
Karen,
You told me about the time you were at Kathy’s, when a call came in from me, and mom said she didn’t want to take the call. That would have been in 2006.
Would you please confirm what month you heard mom say that?
Thanks,
Larry
2010 Jun 1, 13:56
TO: Larry
FR: Karen
Why does that matter?
2010 Jun 1, 15:19
TO: Karen
FR: Larry
That’s a fair question, though I bet you know the answer to it.
But, I’ll answer it anyway, as soon as you answer mine.
And please, let’s complete this in only one more round.
Thanks.
z z z z z z z z z z z z
2010 Jun 1, 17:57
TO: Karen
FR: Larry
Am I still waiting for your answer, Karen?
Busted.
Frankly, I was surprised as to how drastic Karen has changed. Her reaction to getting busted turned out to match exactly the way Al reacts, less his hostility. She just quit communicating, as he does.
###
¹To read about Alan’s behavior at his own wedding, CLICK HERE.
August 2nd, 2010 at 21:40
A question that strikes me is whether sociopaths recognize each other, in the wild, so to speak. In the same way that a magician would be better at spotting the secret to another magician’s tricks, for instance.
Do you really feel the only option is escape? Sociopaths are clearly very dangerous people, perhaps it would be possible to create an organization dedicated to ousting them? Or at least aiding the recovery of victims…
August 2nd, 2010 at 23:53
Welcome Isaac,
I think not, since I believe many know they are different, but couldn’t care less to know why.
Their danger is unbelievably heinous, and because of their ability to charm their way through life, virtually the only believers are those who have been victimized. I think there are many more sociopaths than the 2-4% that seems to be often sited … sited from what?
There is no hard data. If my family was used as the basis, sociopaths would be 86-91% population.
Lar
September 11th, 2010 at 14:30
Sociopaths DEFINITIVELY recognize each other in the wild. They are actually more comfortable with other sociopaths because they don’t have to fake it. They use each other constantly. My sister had some friends that were personality disordered. Although I have a pretty good idea what they are, I will reserve judgment and just stick with personality disordered. They seek out other sociopaths or weak-minded low self esteem minions- or as you’d say disciples.
My next question is this… why are you trying to put these pieces to the puzzle together with your family? Sociopaths don’t tell the truth about anything unless it will somehow help them. With the exception of those who may be sociopaths as well, the spouses of your evil relatives are abused. They are either afraid, bitter, or resigned to prevent the boat from rocking.
There couldn’t ever be a group devoted to ousting them… remember, we cannot think like they can. Sociopaths are the absolute worst people in therapy – narcissists and borderlines are bad too, but borderlines sometimes do respond to treatment. I think many borderlines are actually sociopaths though- I think it has been used as the politically correct female version of evil. I think for some, it is too difficult to diagnose women as such.
Although not in a clinical setting, my physician told me about 9 years ago that my sister was a sociopath. I should have listened to him.
There is no way to expose people like this because they’ve already done damage control on all of the people who could possibly expose them. You will look bad in the end. It is better to cut them from your life entirely. They aren’t family, they are evil. Until you realize that, you will have more pain. It doesn’t matter what you ask them to explain, they have no interest in veracity. I realized I had to stop asking why. There is no why.
Unfortunately it is indeed only the victims who believe a story like this. The sad thing is that there are so many victims who are abused constantly by these people yet they don’t see it either. It takes YEARS of no contact. Have you ever looked at the “no contact” pledge? It was probably the hardest thing I ever did, but definitely the best decision.