2009.11.27

STOP Teaching Your Kids to Lie.

Acceptable Lying?, AutoBiographical, Teaching Kids to Not Lie Add comments
In the US, one of the first things we teach our kids is that lying is acceptable.

How ignorant are we?

 
It was early December, and we had been a single-parent household for about three years. My daughter, EK [for privacy], was in kindergarten, and loving it.

It was mid-afternoon when I heard the school bus pull-up out front to drop-off EK. When she walked in the front door, though, the first thing I heard was crying.

On the bus ride home, she explained, some friends and she got into a discussion about the upcoming Christmas holidays. A short time into it, the discussion made its way to Santa Claus, followed by a few friends mentioning that there is no real Santa Claus.

EK knew differently. She went on to tell me that she took-on all her friends alone, and told them they were all wrong … Santa Claus is real. She said that her friends just laughed and made fun of her.

I don’t recall my exact words, but in essence, I said:

“Sweetie, I’m sorry! Your friends are correct. Santa Claus is not real.”

It was as if someone pushed my daughter’s pause button.

While still looking straight up into my eyes, EK said,

“So you’ve been lying to me?!”

My Shame

Because their mom is a pathological liar, and I was granted full physical and legal custody, it was incumbent upon me to stress the utter importance of honesty and truth. We had such a good relationship, and open line of communication, that I had fully earned their respect — something that was mutual. They saw me living the life I preached.

My daughter had no reason to question or deny the existence of Santa Claus because she heard it from me … and that was all the proof she needed. My emphasis on honesty, truth, and not lying, was interpreted (rightly so) that I do not lie. But because of social norms, I went along with Santa.

In the eyes of EK, though, there was no distinction or justification of being dishonest for any reason. All the respect I had earned from her — even the belief that I lived the life I preached — all immediately came into question.

I had made a huge mistake, and my daughter busted me.

Being Chastised for Honesty

When my son, DK, was in kindergarten two years earlier, he relayed a story to me about an incident that happened in his class leading up to Christmas. A fellow classmate of his, a girl, had parents who were honest to her about Santa, and she knew it was all pretend.

One day, this little girl happened to mention the truth about Santa to other classmates. The next day, parents of some or all of those classmates called the school and complained, and demanded that the school intervene.

For a moment, let’s be objective. Let’s put aside all the social “norms.” Those parents were angry because someone told the truth, so they demanded that the school intervene to make sure it would not happen again. And that’s what the school did.

The girl’s mother was asked to come in for a meeting. Although I was not there, other parents who knew the woman told me that she was chastised for not allowing her daughter to experience Santa Claus, and that if she continued to permit her daughter to ruin the holidays for other children, they would be forced to take further action. I won’t even guess at what that “further action” would have been.

But it’s OK when Parents Lie?

Christians are the only religious group, that I’m aware of, who have sold out their holiest of days to commercialism, including both Christmas and Easter — and that’s primarily in the US. Both holidays include a huge deception for children, Santa for Christmas and the bunny for Easter. Which begs the simple question: why?

Why do we have huge deceptions surrounding both of the holiest Christian holidays? Why do we bring our children into the world, beginning with lies? It’s not for their benefit, as most young children are terrified by Santa and the thought of an intruder.

Children are not born with the thought of Santa. They have no expectations, as they simply believe and trust their parents. Parents bring their new, innocent babies into the world and begin by lying to them — and believe that they do it for their kids. The lie that is repeated throughout the first, very important years of a child’s development.

But, when that child gets a little older, and is caught lying back to those same parents, what mixed message will that child receive?

So, how ignorant are we?

We are a country of liars.

We are the Roman Empire of the 21st Century.

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2 Responses to “STOP Teaching Your Kids to Lie.”

  1. cheatbuster Says:
    October 2nd, 2009 at 07:37

    I had a similar experience with my daughter. I had always told her that Santa was the spirit of Christmas. When she finally had it out with some insistent child at school; she asked me again that night with tears in her eyes when I tucked her into bed.

    Since she had virtually no relationship with her father; she relied on me solely for verification and truth. The time had come….I said Santa wasn’t really a person; more of a spirit of the holidays. Who brought the gifts then, she asked. I did. Who ate the milk and cookies, she demanded. I did, I confessed. She cried a little until I told her that the spirit of Christmas can be with you all year around; if you just let yourself feel it, each day is a gift.

    We moved on to the goodnight phase of our conversation. In subsequent days, she would re-visit our conversation, commenting on what a tricky Santa I was sneaking all of those presents in and wrapping until the wee hours…..guess we were past that hurdle…lol….but it does give pause to think; do we rob our children of a little bit of that ol’ magic if we don’t allow them to dream about it?

    Interesting post from a parents point of view!

  2. Larry Says:
    October 2nd, 2009 at 08:55

    Thank you. You dealt with your situation quite well.

    Regarding your comment about that little bit of magic: I thought about that, but that was an easy one. They are not born with any expectations, so they would never miss it. But I do believe that bringing them into the world with about a five-year long completely fabricated deception is something they really do not need.

    We do it because we think we should. Peer pressure. What other religious belief, outside American-based Christians, have *sold out* one (or more) of their holiest days to capitalism?

    I’m sure you’ve seen the terror in kids’ eyes as they are forced to sit on the lap of some strange bearded man dressed in a red suit, as the parent turns and walks away. Would that be a good time to ask them about the magic? ;)

Your insights are appreciated ...