VICTIM TRAITS
Updated: 2011 Aug 31
BEFORE: TRAITS of a Potential TARGET
Below are the traits most commonly attributed to a sociopath’s target. Every person is inherently different, and that includes each target and the traits that are most pronounced in the individual. An individual would definitely not need any of these traits to be preyed upon.
This is not an attempt to diagnose anyone.
- Shyness
- Difficulty communicating
- A lack of self confidence
- Wanting to please
- A belief that if you love enough the person will change
- A belief that if you love enough the relationship will succeed
- Difficulty establishing and maintaining boundaries
- Not being able to say no
- Being easily influenced by others
- Wanting to be rescued from your life situation
- Wanting to rescue others from their distress
- Being over nurturing particularly when not asked
- Feelings of shame and self doubt
- Low self-esteem
- A lack of memories about childhood or periods of adulthood
- A lack of motivation from within and being motivated by others
AFTER: SYMPTOMS of a Relentlessly Abused VICTIM
This is a very accurate list of symptoms experienced by someone who has had their psyche brutally victimized by a sociopath. 
With that said, this list is not all-inclusive, nor is it intended to be part of any diagnostic function, whatsoever. These symptoms can also be triggered by many other conditions or events.
The source of this data is from ongoing research, but the majority of the data is derived and confirmed from personal experience … the key word being “majority” There are some symptoms listed here that I have not experienced at all, though they have been mentioned enough for me to accept them as potentially common.
If you, or someone you know, has experienced even a few of these symptoms, seek professional help. Keep in mind, though, that not all “help” is equal. If the professional you choose does not seem to relate to your needs as you would expect or desire, keep looking.
- Emotional paralysis
- PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
- Suicidal thoughts or actions (indirect homicide
) - Loss of interest in life
- Loss of energy
- Insomnia
- Anxiety
- Depression or Severe Depression
- Numbing of feelings
- Disinterest in having a relationship
- Panic attacks
- Irritability
- Increased anxiety from being alone
- Increased anxiety from being in crowds
- Mood swings
Sources: Wikipedia.org, Sociopathic.net, & personal experience (50+ years)
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May 15th, 2010 at 03:25
Hello,
I just have a short comment.
I have all of the symptoms you listed and I was married for 28 years to a diagnosed Sociopath, Egocentric, and Pathological liar.
I don’t know how I ever survived. I want to say that the list is accurate. I had a good self esteem but he ruined me to everyone and I wonder why there is not a site to list names of sociopaths for people to go to because there should be a place where these peoples names are published for others to be protected from them.
It is a serious and overwhelming disorder that should be taken ver seriously. Once you have left them and had all you can take they just move on. Re write their life, destroy yours and find a new victim. Horrible Cycle that needs to be online for people so they don’t fall prey to these animals.
May 15th, 2010 at 04:13
Welcome Cherie,
I have most of the victim traits as well as the victimized traits. I believe they are capable of indirect homicide. I’ve thought of ending my own life many times. I was not only married to a sociopath (who was also bipolar, borderline schizophrenic, psychotic, and more), but all three of my siblings, and my late-dad, are all sociopaths.
Unfortunately, all three of my children have inherited the bad gene. For reasons unknown, I was the skipped generation, but I still carried it. I believe the estimates of 5-10% of the population are very low.
They are so cunning and malicious, it would not surprise me if half the population carries it in some way. Just read my story about the sociopath married to the clueless psychiatrist. She completely controls him.
Best of luck to you, and thanks for sharing.
Larry
May 15th, 2010 at 11:18
Hello Larry and thank you,
Your situation sounds so identical to mine as to the family members.
Your term of Indirect Homicide is so true that it actually took my breath away when I read it.
I feel it still today as if he was legally allowed to take my life and the life of my one and only son that does not have the bad gene. My mom has it but mostly I married into it. I have never been the same since knowing him and my life with him was horrific to say the least. People honestly don’t understand.
Your site is so very real and very interesting and I am going to keep reading on it. Your story helps others like myself understand that we are not alone. My life was and even now still is the most awful life I could have ever wished for yet I don’t remember half of it. The manipulation, steeling, lying and everything else bad in the world is attached to these people. My ex in my case and my father and sister and brother-in-law and now my son. How did you ever survive it with the ability to go forward. I have a bad back now due to the hits and throws that happened during his drunk nights. Yet I am expected to just jump up and start all over as if none of it ever happened.
There is truly now help out there. I thought about taking my life but my youngest son has only me. He is sooooo confused as to it all and has no where to go with his feelings and just wants to block it all out. I know he needs to join a group but he is actually embarrassed by it all which does not help him to understand that it is a real disorder and not just a bad dad and brother and grandfather etc…..He just say’s he has a crazy family and cannot relate to anyone because of it.
He has a huge heart and is nothing like the others. He was, like yourself, spared. My mom is actually NPD mostly but I do think she, too, is a sociopath but my family won’t admit to it. My brother and sister (blood) act differently and seem to feed my mom and I won’t do it because I married the sociopath and they did not. I had a double dose. I see it clearer. Well, I have written a book here but it’s so hard to explain and I enjoy the depth of just the little that I did read last night. I will follow the site and please write back at any time. I will follow your story. It helps so much to know that I am not crazy and this is real. It has been 28 years of hell and prior to that a very awful childhood with my mom.
Now what? That is what I ask myself so often. I don’t date ~ Because Nobody Understands. I put on the act the best that I can that I am looking and that I will have a normal life all for my son. I know it won’t happen. I am just to sick from all of it.
You take care and write to me please as I will look forward to hearing anything that will make me realize that I’m not alone.
Are NPD’d people always Sociopaths? I think my ex is a Psychopath but did not stay in counseling long enough.
He just blew through one million dollars and now he is broke and so he wants me off his back and my son because he thinks it is our fault. I live on 29 thousand alimony but my late-dad got him his job. He made a ton of money and it’s gone. He is living across the street and just bought a six carrot diamond for his soon to be new wife. She does not believe he is a sociopath. Nobody believes me. I feel sometimes like I am the crazy one. We moved 55 times and that is part of what has just worn me out too.
He went bankrupt and I lost my car and home and now he is a millionaire that just lost it all again. I am afraid that he might actually hurt me to get rid of me. He tried to poison me when we where married. Oh it is such a long story and he got away with it all and I look like the crazy one and I am not crazy at all.
well…bye for now…I will be visiting your site often.
Thank you for the warm welcome.
Cherie
May 15th, 2010 at 12:13
Those are very kind words, Cherie.
I hope you do not mind I added it to the thread. I believe your words will benefit others. Psychopaths and sociopath are pretty often used interchangeable now. Therapeutically, they are no longer used as diagnoses, but they describe a category of personality disorders, which includes NPD, if I’m not mistaken.
Sociopaths can surely kill in many ways. I believe one can die from a broken heart, and that would be due to how the body reacts to such depressive misery. But suicide is probably the number one reason of indirect homicide. And I believe that what’s behind the suicides of so many of our teens.
What I really find unbelievable is how our nation’s school administrators, primarily those in middle school or junior high, cover-up bully problems and allow the bully to enter society.
My son was a victim of bullies in middle school. When my son was being tormented, the school tried to place the blame on him — blame the victim, let the bullies go.
He always rated in the top 1% in national testing in science and math, and the top 10% in everything else (50% being average). When he was in 6th grade, he was invited by one of our state universities to attend the Saturday Classes for the Gifted.
He now attends that university. When I took him out of the middle school to have him finish the school year with a family member in another state, the school administrators knew exactly why I was taking him out of the school — bullying. I had often complained that they had an unchecked bully problem, yet I’d get blank stares.
But when I went to sign the paperwork for his transfer, they had already filled in the field for “Reason for Leaving” — the reason, or course, was the school’s bully problem, but they wrote in “moving out of state.”
Why? It looks really bad if schools have bully problems. In my home state, there exist three levels to the state bully law, yet they seem to be ignored.
1st Offense: One-day in-school suspension
2nd Offense: One-week off-campus suspension
3rd Offense: Expulsion
Expulsion means that they are transferred to the district remedial school. So I did a little homework. I wanted to find out how many kids had been sent to the remedial school for bullying from our entire district.
There were at least two kids that harassed my son who qualified for Expulsion. The district remedial school had exactly zero kids there for bullying. None. Cover-up? Just feeding our society with young sociopaths? The kids there were for smoking on campus, cutting class, and other stupid reasons to separate them from other kids. Not even one for harassment.
I raised my son and daughter (from ages 4 & 2) solo. It was my passion. I never said a negative thing about their mom, as I knew they’d find out. I had offers from other parents to trade kids. I was so damn proud of my experience and success.
But I didn’t see it coming. About the time they both began to enter young adulthood, they began showing signs of personality disorders. Once again, it tore my heart out seeing what was happening, and not a thing I could do.
My son is much more aware of my concern and involvement, than his sister. He knows all about this site. I have not seen his sister in four years because a sociopath (her mom) can manipulate our legal system. Commit perjury, multiple times, and walk away.
Our legal system is truly broken. I do think there’s hope for my son, though it will be an uphill battle.
I just hope I can survive long enough.
Hang in there, and thanks again.
Larry
February 11th, 2011 at 00:30
I was in a business relationship with a sociopath/narcissistic psychopath. I only have mild cases of two of the victim traits – which is why no one, not even friends who have psych training, could understand what was going on with the corrosive relationship.
The way he sucked me into his web was:
(a) by leveraging my empathy to get myself on his side. He told stories of how no one understood or listened to him. How his previous bosses never cared for his ideas. How his parents put him in therapy as a child. Notice how he used the warning signs in his favour? He knew they were warning signs. This heightened my desire to make sure he is given a fair go and is heard. And also opened myself up to his abusive manipulations.
(b) by abusing my self-awareness. He would know exactly what to say to trigger my self-awareness and over time turned that into self-doubt and self-abuse. It was insidious and evil. This subversion of my core traits led directly to severe depression and suicidal thoughts.
I have since reclaimed my empathy and self awareness as great strengths once more. But the process took years and was extremely difficult. The business was my dream and life. He just threw it away a few months after I left. And since then I have found it hard to get my career back on track.
June 4th, 2011 at 16:51
I was aware of what I was walking into from the beginning. He struggled with his lack of “feeling” and part of my role in his life was as teacher. Since he “wanted” to love, I believe he was a completely created sociopath.
Being abused since 4 years old he had never learned how to love. His childhood was all about self preservation. He took care of “Jim.” and really tried not to damage others- and when he did he punished himself by feeding the notion planted by his parents that he was bad.
For years he sought therapy and medication for PTSD, trying to make peace with himself. The idea of his being a sociopath came from him-and it troubled him.
Since many sociopaths aren’t all Ted Bundys’ I knew it was a matter of degree. He would have long periods of “feeling windows” where he was loving and thoughtful, generous and kind-but the minute he was hurt he slammed the window shut-turning inward. It always happened when he was around his family, they were his trigger. Just before his suicide he had heavy contact with them, and was again in turmoil.
I learned long ago about boundries, and I really don’t feel victimized because I was very aware of who he was, and what he was capable of. I believe it was my inner strenght that attracted him to me. I became the calm in the middle of his storm.
If I was someone else- he could have completely destroyed my life. But I wouldn’t let him because I understood that “being bitten by an abused dog once-means it might bite you in the future.”
I loved him very much, and don’t regret our time together.
I’m just sorry he couldn’t find peace in life.
June 5th, 2011 at 22:17
Carla,
The far majority of sociopaths are walking among us, often considered stalwarts of their communities; one reason they can be so dangerous. Luckily, very few ever reach the level of Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer. In the studies done within the Canadian Penal System, about 20% of the inmate population were psychopaths, but they were responsible for about 80% of all the heinous crimes committed.
I was raised in a very abusive environment from my earliest memories – this included my dad and older siblings. I have no memories whatsoever of my dad ever telling me he loved me, or even hugging me. I do have more than my fair share of memories being spanked and hit, something my siblings never experienced. I was also unique in being told I was “good for nothing,” “stupid,” and that I would “never amount to anything.”
These abuses do not guarantee a troubled individual, nor can they create a sociopath. There is no such thing as a “normal” individual, as we are all just wired differently. Given that, each person will respond differently when raised in such an environment.
I’m sorry he could not find peace, but I certainly hope you can move on to your own.
Thank you for your candor.
July 7th, 2011 at 13:05
How can I get others to believe me? Sociopath boyfriend and I live (not together) in a small community. His harrassing ways have escalated and I have taken this issue to management. I know the sociopath is good at fooling others yet how do I convince others that I am telling the truth and that he is dangerous? (Several of my girlfriends have dated someone like this so they believe me).
July 8th, 2011 at 21:22
Convincing others can prove difficult- especially if he has them all conned into believing he is a great guy. If you feel afraid for your safety contact police and tell them what you can do to protect yourself-they will have you speak to a domestic abuse officer. Sometimes just having a call “on the record” can protect you from future harm he may cause you.
You must have something on file-even a complaint if he is harrassing you. Don’t feel ashamed because you live in a small town “where every body knows your business.” I was astounded by local support in my small town (pop.1000) after my partner committed suicide.
People will surprise you. Get support from your friends and don’t worry about others who may not understand. You MUST and I say must at least have some public record prior to things escalating. This is your pre-defense in case he decides to set you up as being abusive to him.
This is a common way for a vindictive sociopath to ruin your life. He threatens you-and he calls police saying you are abusive to him. The police will believe the one calling. Don’t fall for that trap!
Take care
July 12th, 2011 at 02:17
hey larry
i just wanted to say this list is entirely accurate. I have been raised by a sociopath father since grade 6 until grade 11 and he has always been around the family but only during those years where I was raised by a single parent (dad) did I experience these symptoms. The thing is, I never even had the slightest clue this was happening to me, my entire childhood wasted to my sociopath father.
I was the shyest nicest guy ever but with no self esteem. I had my back bent, and head kept down low, but I was very observing and a very good listener (good nurturer) and helped people with their problems. I only realize this now (I am 19 and have lived 2 years out of my dads presence) and I realize I have almost no memories of my childhood or teenage years at all.
It seems its all a blur, and recently I thought that I was a sociopath because its hard for me to feel emotions a lot of the time due to what I went through. But I realize that may be emotional paralysis or a numbing of emotions because during those years, I cried at least twice a week to cry myself to sleep for many years and so now I am getting used to exploring my inner self and my emotions.
August 4th, 2011 at 13:36
I’m finding that it’s the accomplices my sociopath has surrounded himself with that are still gnawing at me, almost relentlessly so…will they eventually stop? Other than ignoring them what can I do?
They will not listen to reason. They firmly believe that he’s a good man and see me as the evil one. Please help with any advise. Thank you.
August 4th, 2011 at 21:25
Catherine,
It’s impossible to provide a definitive answer, as your sociopath’s disciples have been brainwashed. The likelihood of changing their perceptions is probably nil.
The best thing for you is to be proactive. Clear these people from your life. I know that can be very difficult since they may be family, friends, or co-workers. But whatever it takes, distance yourself. All my efforts to change the minds of my sociopaths’ disciples ended in failure and even threats.
I gave up in changing anyone’s mind, and just have been doing my best in moving forward. I wish you the best.
August 26th, 2011 at 22:27
I want to thank you for this website.
I have been looking for ways to deal with the emotional fallout left by my halfsister and her mother. I have been reading the comments and articles and it is sad and conforting to know I m not alone.
One of the comments pointed out it must be you, because you know so many. I wanted to say this is true, but not in the way the person who posted it meant. When you realize what you’re dealing with, when you see a sociopath for what they really are it changes you and the perceptions you have of the world. I have read hundreds of books and articles and with all that I have learned, I can look back on people I’ve known and say with some certainty that they were probably sociopaths.
Trying to erase the damage my kid sister has done is almost impossible. I saw someone say get over it, let it go. I have to say that letting it go is how she got away with it for 30 years without any repercussion. People let it go and forget about it and she is on to the next victim to feed off of. I know, I am guilty of “moving past it and letting go of it.” I have stopped doing that. I have started helping the people she hurt.
I have started apologizing to the people I didn’t believe. I tried to help her mother and that was just another kick in the teeth. I have stopped contact and interaction with my sister and anyone in her world. My life has become so peaceful. Yes I have had run ins with my sister’s I guess disciples. I am wary of repercussions, but the more people I talk to, the more information I share with others, the better protected I am.
If my comment seems angry, I do apologize. I am not so angry as determined. Thank you again for this website. I have been compiling links and documents to give to the people she has hurt. I hope that in ten years when I am 50 I will have helped as many people as you have, and healed myself in the process.
I hope I didn’t post this twice. My kiddo’s kitten thinks my laptop keyboard is a bed.
Thanks
Bran
August 27th, 2011 at 18:47
Hi Brandi,
I’m glad you have found my history to be helpful in understanding your own history.
There is comfort in discovering you are not alone, since those who target you are determined to make you feel that way.
That comment about knowing so many psychopaths (aka, sociopaths) must make me, or whoever makes such a statement, a psychopath themselves is a completely baseless comment, as well as an absurd level of logic. That would be similar to saying someone who knows many diabetics in their family must be a diabetic themselves.
You’re correct, though, in how intuitive one becomes when they face the true evil of a psychopath, and how they learn to recognized similar characteristics in others they know, or have known.
I don’t believe it’s possible to fully erase the damage that a psychopath can unleash. They are truly skilled at manipulating others, and have made it a critical aspect of their character. They need others to push their own agenda. It only shocks me how easily others can be suckered, including the legal system.
And lastly, I sense no anger in your comment at all. I’m not even sure where you think you spewed anger. Your comment comes across, at least to me, as calm, intelligent, and insightful, if not painful. I wish you the very best on your journey.
Thank you.
August 30th, 2011 at 23:57
I have none of the pre-victim traits, and yet it happened to me. Obviously this list was helpful to many of your readers, but it just convinces me that there’s no really reliable way to predict who is going to be victimized by a sociopath.
August 31st, 2011 at 11:54
Lucy,
I had none of the pre-signs of victimization either. I did have an over controlling narcissistic mother but I was still very strong both physically and mentally.
I cannot imagine how one person and their disciples can take a healthy , kind, strong individual and turn them into a grain of dirt. In my case my physical health went on a downward spiral and I panicked. I knew I needed to be able to work. Being dependent on an ex husband of 28 years diagnosed to be a sociopath makes every day hell if you let yourself even think of what they are doing to you finacially.
Mine wants me destroyed completely and without my health I have no money to fight him. What a truly sad reality. Blessings to all.
Cj
August 31st, 2011 at 13:09
Anyone can be sucked into the fantasy life of a sociopath. I know it because I was, and I’ve seen other, otherwise-intelligent individuals get completely suckered. Some are true masters of manipulation. A collective “we” put one in the White House for eight years.
The list above should really be identified as a list of traits that psychopaths prey on. They will find someone’s weak point, and begin with it.
You bring up a good point. No one should read that information as a list of required traits. That would give a false sense of security if it were interpreted as such. Anyone is a potential target, and anyone can end up a being the victim of a sociopath.
September 2nd, 2011 at 23:10
It is difficult to admit you have a trait that may attract a sociopath- it’s hard to fathom that “just being you” might have something to do with the nightmare you find yourself living in.
I was far too trusting, and innocent to the notion that another person would “purposely” try to harm me. Especially someone you love.
For a long time I found excuses for his behavior towards me, and tried to weather the storm by being calm and understanding (he had PTSD) but the abuse would branch out in other forms that I was not prepared for. Verbal insults, sulking, sabotaging others against me, and destroying the things I loved became more than I was prepared to deal with.
I snapped out of it quick and realised that if I was going to be with this man, I had to protect myself. I separated much of myself and refused to be manipulated.
I started looking at him as being a broken human being, cutting financial, and emotional ties that enabled him to control me. He was forced to stand on his own, and be responsible for his own behavior because I refused to become his victim. This shocked him into a more reasonable approach to me. He knew I had changed and understood that in order to continue with me- he needed to reign in his behavior.
I took away his power, and he saw for the first time (I believe) that manipulating others only hurt him in the long run. I do believe he had grown tired of himself and came to some understanding that he was the cause of all his woes.
Sadly, he ended his life just before he could use this understanding to continue on a new path.
September 4th, 2011 at 16:58
I have just found your website for the first time, and feel like sharing some of my story because I do not know where to turn for help.
I have been victimized by multiple sociopaths (mainly in romantic relationships, but also in friendships) for most of my life (from 12 years old to now, age 32). I understand why I am a target (based on the traits they look for), and in hindsight I can see what red flags were there and that I should have avoided these people sooner. However, that doesn’t change the past or make the pain of what occurred any less. And it still leaves me wondering how I could allow it to happen so many times.
Most recently, I was conned by a seemingly nice young man whom I met in a very small online community (about 40 people) who were optimistic and spiritually-minded. He approached me, and was very sweet and always spreading messages of joy and peace and love. We communicated online everyday (sometimes 2 or 3 hours on Skype) for 3 months. He lives in Europe, and I live in the US. He wanted very much to meet me, and invited me over to see him (all on his dime, because he knew I did not have the finances). Believing that this was “the one” that I could have a lasting loving relationship with, I stupidly went to meet him.
At first, everything was fabulous; seemed like a dream come true. Then, I found out he was still in communication with 2 other women with whom he’d had relationships (one of which he had gone to Russia to meet just last year, and had MARRIED her and left her there!). Things went downhill from there. He began to display new behaviors (being not just disrespectful of me and my personal boundaries, but passive/aggressive, and saying hurtful things). Eventually, he became violent with me one night, literally kicking me and throwing me out, then abandoning me. I was in a foreign country where I did not speak the language and had no money. Luckily there were some kind people who helped me for a couple of days until I was able to get a flight home.
Now that I have arrived home, I have found out that I am pregnant with his child. He knows that I am pregnant, and refused to assist financially in any way. He has informed me that he has forgiven himself for what he did, and he is moving on with his life. (All of this after several emails from him, alternating between threatening to hurt himself, saying that he really loves me, and telling me I am a bad person).
This is the second time that I have totally fallen for a sociopath to this degree (my first child, who is now 12, is also the product of a relationship with a sociopath. Thankfully that child is a very kind and loving person).
I had worked very hard for a long time to resurrect my self-esteem after several traumatic relationships, was in school to train for a career (which I have now left for reasons unrelated to the relationship), and was finally feeling good about myself when he came along. Now I feel lower than ever. I do not really have a strong support system of family or friends, I am not financially self-sufficient, and trying to deal with this depression and responsibilities on my own.
I am so heartbroken, and I feel really stupid and ashamed for letting this happen to me. I am also very sad that I attract this kind of person, and that it seems I will never find anyone who is worthy of trust and capable of love.
If anyone out there knows of resources that could help me to get back on track, I would greatly appreciate it. I feel really desperate, and like no one understands or cares. I just want to pull myself together and function, and become able to care for my children.
Thank you for reading.
September 16th, 2011 at 23:18
The 1st time i heard the term sociopath was today, or should i say yesterday, since i am on line for more than 12 hours reading more about sociopaths and their behaviour…
I had 3 of them being very close to me in highschool, and one after the other destroyed parts of my social life at the time or just disappeared leaving me with unanswered questions.
Once,at age 15, the majority of my friends stopped talking to me for 2 weeks while we were constantly meeting in school and rehearsals, because of my sociopath’s friend crazy stories and lies about me.
The strange thing with their stories is that you never really realise what they said, i guess they just feel what would hurt every single person and expand on that topic with lies and fake accusations.
3 years ago the same thing happened to me at age 27, when a colleague convinced all our common friends that i was a dangerous person and got everybody to even throw away all the presents i had ever got for them.
The first time i was faced with such a story it really pushed me to my limits to find my own self-respect no matter what.
But i must admit it has been so hard to deal with it again.
And then, at age 27, i finally had to realise that there are people willing to pretend every facet of their lives just to reach their targets.
She still holds the “consciousness” of some of her followers…in her eyes they see someone who is self-confident, while i always kept a safe distance cause i could feel a person with no clear emotional responses.
I guess i have most of the traits of a possible victim but i am pretty sure most of the victims have something that really pisses the sociopaths off: we can see through them, easier than other people who are their followers and ofcourse feed them (and believe that they will have some favours in return for their faithfulness).
While this happened i was indeed recovering from a romantic relationship with a sociopath that took hold of my life and emotions for about a year pushing me to change everything in my life or ”lose” him. I was courageous enough to break up with him but even then he kept coming back promising love and good times and then dissapearing with other women.
Since then it is very difficult for me to trust in relationships…
I have been having difficult people coming and going in my life while i try to realise that i am not the one to heal their pain.
Now i have a new relationship and i am afraid he may be a sociopath cause he has a lot of the characteristics and he is so devoted in pleasing me.
Also hightened sexuality is such a key-trait. A way to control others , to encourage them to need you.
I would like to note down that i recently read a book that helped me see more clearly the energy give and take that takes place in our every day encounters and relationships.
It is from Sandra Ingerman, Soul Retrieval: Mending the Fragmented Self (Harper San Francisco 1991)
Finally, i think i can admit after many years of suffering that my mother resembles a lot the personality of a sociopath or narcissist, although i have no idea how a specialised phycologist would categorise her (if she didnt give him/her the victim persona).
Working more and more on the inside to come to terms with all these strange experiences i saw clearly how she pretends all of her emotions and always drugs everybody’s energy and attention, or if they deny that, she strives to control them by any means, in subtlety.
I am really sad she does that to my father, my sister and me.
All of us try to find our freedom and it is not always easy, especially if as a child there was no emotional bonding, but only fights and problems and expectations every day.
The thing is that i have all of the symptoms of a relentlessly abused victim and for the last 2 years it is more and more hard to function in society terms.
I guess i need help, or i just need to go away from my family and create my world over again..
I am very much convinced it is more of the 1-4% of the population.
It is just that people are willing to be followers and usually they dont all of them suffer from this behaviour, in contrast some of them admire these persons.
I am pretty sure almost everybody has been abused be such personalities and i guess we need to do this:
stop giving them our emotional energy which they so much seek, cause they are numbed themselves.
If we dont do that we will all live in a society of zombies and vampires which is already promoted on TV and by the music scene and industry.
Awareness is the ultimate gift out of these experiences.
Good luck to everyone who is looking for some help in this website and thank you for your stories Larry.
May we eventually find our way to clear boundaries and unconditional self-love.
September 20th, 2011 at 20:36
This man—my x husband and father of my two kids is the sickest cruelest person I have ever known. I need resources for rebuilding myself and my adult kids lives. I live in Denver, Colorado. Please can anyone help me?
I have read two books and the website of THE MASK OF SANITY. I just need support groups, therapists etc. to help me move on. I am an educated professional who thought I was losing my mind. These people need to be stopped.
September 26th, 2011 at 13:24
I was attacked because I was successful… And good looking.
September 28th, 2011 at 22:14
Carla,
I think it’s the ones you love who have the greatest advantage of using manipulation and deception. For your ex, PSTD could have been at the core for much of it, IMHO. Based on what you say, maybe his real problem was the PTSD and not psychopathy. I believe it’s not uncommon with severe PTSD to resort to suicide, but psychopaths generally think they are superior beings, and would likely counter-attack.
September 28th, 2011 at 22:33
Nikole,
You’ve been through hell and back. I had a psychologist tell me candidly once, “You just don’t know how to pick out women.”
And he was right. It’s a complete crap shoot. It’s almost like one wants to demand a psychological evaluation at the very start of dating someone.
As I’ve said throughout my writings, based on my research (primarily my own family) the psychopathy “gene” is that dominent “bad gene.” It’s all genetic, passing from one generation to the next. It does not manifest itself in someone until the mid-teens to early-20s. I don’t mean to add more concern for you, but, most likely it wouldn’t show up in a 12 year old.
You have every reason to stop the pregnancy before it’s too late. That’s my humble opinion. This child would not be born out of love, and would likely inherit the gene.
As far as additional help goes, if you cannot afford a psychologist and psychiatrist (you need both), most every county has mental health services that you could afford, as it could even be free based on your income. Contact your county services for more information as to where you are. Time, for you, is of the essence.
Good luck!
September 28th, 2011 at 23:35
Melina,
First, allow me to say “you’re welcome” but also thank you for sharing parts of your life. I relate very closely to what you wrote.
I was the family outcast growing up, being both verbally and physically abused by my dad and oldest sister. When I was 30, I met a woman who fell for me and treated me like no one else ever had. That’s because I was so used to being beat down that I never expected to come face-to-face with a true master’s persona.
I went from bad to worse, but it wasn’t until I realized what was affecting my ex that I recognized the same disorder in my dad and siblings.
As I’ve said here and elsewhere, I truly believe it’s closer to 20% of the population. It gets to a point where it’s not too difficult to pick them out. Love interests make it more difficult.
I’ve had to write off my siblings (my dad has passed). I don’t think of myself as having siblings … I’m alone, and that works just fine for me. I also live in another part of the country than the rest of them, so distance plays a good factor. We must look out for ourselves first and foremost, as no one else will do that like we can. I wish you the best!
September 28th, 2011 at 23:38
Gina,
Contact your county’s social services for starters. Most counties have mental health services (outpatient) with both psychiatrist and psychologists on staff … seeing the both is the best treatment for you.
Good luck!
September 29th, 2011 at 07:27
Dear Larry,
Are you happy?
Does your decision to break away from the family change the way you behave in other relationships as well?
September 29th, 2011 at 18:49
Melina,
It wasn’t an over night process, but I am relatively happy again. The memories never go away completely, though … it seems more like a bad dream than reality.
I’m not in a relationship now, and for quite some time, I didn’t think I ever would be again. But that has changed … if it happens, I’ll walk slowly.
My relationship with others in general is great. All this negative experience has given me strength and increased my own self-esteem. It takes time, commitment, and likely years, but slow improvement is better than staying in the same place.
October 3rd, 2011 at 00:46
The humiliation and shame that I felt having to tell my family who I have been living with for the last five years just killed me. How do you explain to those who love you that you did not see the evil that you were living with?
I am empty, drained of hope for ever trusting anyone again. I just posted a very short version of my encounter with a sociopath.
I believe that the sociopath, (RB) that found me was actually looking for the right type to fulfill he needs at the time. I believe that he is a predator. It has taken me months to even understand that NOTHING that I thought was true about RB was actually the truth. I know nothing about him except that he is a pathological liar and a manipulator with no ability to empathize.
People around me want me to get angry… I feel so betrayed, so used, so flat, that it hard to explain the complete emptyness that I feel.
October 4th, 2011 at 00:35
I too am like Larry, in that I walk slowly in regards to new relationships. I accept that I am alone now, and may be for the rest of my life.
Sometimes it makes me so sad to think the love I have to give to a man will be wasted. I can love so deeply and be a wonderful partner to another, yet, this experience has shattered me, and damaged my trust and faith in love.
To love someone with unconditional love is quite a feat because it takes away all preconceived ideas of what love is.
I know what love is because I had that with my husband Paul who died at 44. He was kind and caring, and loved me unconditionally.
He taught me how to love broken people, and part of who I was when I was with Jim, came from Paul.
I miss them both.
November 4th, 2011 at 22:23
I discovered this site after having come from a relationship I had with a man for a few months. Initially I thought he was the perfect man…showered me with affection, told me all the things I wanted to hear…before i knew it i was in the clamps of this man, believing him that my family and friends didnt know what they were talking about.
I fell in love with him quickly and then one day, i realized that in order for me to chat with someone i had to hide it from him…it happened so gradually that i was giving up myself, my strength, my soul to this man…the once sweet man turned into a screaming, raging person I didnt know existed…it was as if he had this invisible hold on me and i didnt know why i allowed it…but i did…i ended up finding a lot of the truth from his (who i thought was his ex) but was actually seeing him the entire time.
He had lied about everything and I was devistated. I realized the man I fell in love with never existed…He occupied the same body….had the same voice….but he never really existed…I find myself still drawn to him but im gradually getting better…..i have so many feelings of betrayal and cry a lot but im getting stronger…what i try to remember is that he doesnt know what hes doing…he believes people are there to use.
From what ive read its a disease that makes him void of any emotions – love, empathy, sorrow and many more…when i looked up the word sociopath, i read many articles about them and their victims…i refuse to be called his victim..maybe i did initially but no more…i still love him…but the “him” that he portrayed…the virtual man and that’s one of the hard parts…i cant even hate him…i wish i could…it would be easy to let go of the love i have if i did…this note im writing doesnt even convey the hurt im feeling or what ive been thru and am still trying to make sense of it..I know i will be okay eventually.
i wonder if i will be the same person i once was…only time will tell…
November 5th, 2011 at 00:41
@ cin …
It’s very tough to give up the fantasy, but you must see him for what he really is … evil. Their public personas are nothing like their real personalities. He will never change. It was all a ruse.
The best thing you can do is find a therapist who specializes in psychopathy. When you find someone, take the first few sessions to analyze the analyst. Make sure it’s a good match. He they make you feel as if you are part of the problem, find another therapist. They’re all created differently.
November 6th, 2011 at 05:13
I would like to share the poem I just wrote.
Letting Go
Today I’m letting go – Something I thought a mere week ago
Couldn’t be possible
But I’m taking back my heart
That you took under false pretenses
Today I’m letting go of all the broken promises
They were hollow and never meant to be shared
Today I’m letting go of the man I gave my heart to
The one that only now exists in my memory
Never did it rest in your heart
Today I’m letting go because the stack of broken
Promises is higher than the love I have for you
Today I’m letting go because I’ve discovered that
You did not rob me of my identity
Because I own it again
It was not yours to have
It belonged to me
Today I’m letting you go and I thank God
I didn’t lose what I had so carelessly put aside
My family – and I will promise to devote as
Much time and energy into repairing it
As I did pushing it away
Today, I’m letting go of the guilt I carry
For the pain I caused the most important
Person in my life – Sherry
It took my misguided choice to
Show me that what I was so desperately
Looking for was always there
Today I’m letting go of what I thought was going
To be our future and I’m taking my life back
I lost sight of what was important
The passion I was searching for
Was in her eyes and not that of a stranger
Today I’m letting go of the last five months
And despite your struggle to manipulate me
I’ve come away even stronger than before
And because of that – I thank you.
I want to thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts and even though it hasn’t been very long since I came back home, I want to let anyone know that’s reading this that you can overcome this. You have it within you to fight back and take control of your life. I certainly didn’t think it was possible so soon. I doubted that it would happen at all. I feared that it wouldn’t happen.
But I had the support and love from the one person I hurt the most and that is priceless. Find comfort in sites such as this that allows a forum to express yourself and talk with people that understand and care. Reach out to family and friends – alot of your strength may come from them. And most of all, you have that inner strength to come back even better and stronger than you ever thought possible. And if you haven’t yet been able to do so, it’s time you let go today and take back what is rightfully yours. Thank you so much. Cindy
November 7th, 2011 at 16:54
Hi
There would have been a time when I would completely believe that a Sociopath was a victim of genetics. I DO NOT BELIEVE this any longer. TRUST ME … this is EVIL. We the victims are not, we are GOOD… or we would never know the difference between the two. These people are monstors. God gave me miracles to show me what the REAL problem is. … My story continues to blow my mind every day. I am an educated woman who was happy to be a Mother … but I knew pretty early on in a 24 year marraige that SOMETHING wan’t right with this man. Because my kids and I all had serious illnesses off and on throughout the years, I let myself stay in the marriage to this FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL IVY LEAGUE GRADUATE to survive until a time I was strong enough to leave.
We three are physically healthy and happy today. … If you have a hard time believing a Sociopath is EVIL. Consider this, I cannot prove this, but try to have faith in the unseen. … Three days before 9-11, I dreamed parts of the event. … Mostly smoke, papers blowing and victims running in the streets. … then ruins. I woke up abruptly having a very weird feeling about the dream. It took me a few days after 9-11 to realize what my dream was about. … While praying, I had a vision about my x husband… then many other bizarre experiences.
I will share them at another time. PLEASE … PRAY about these people who have tried to destroy you. See what God brings to you. I am a Christian. Jesus put me back together. Remember he was nailed to a cross— and loved man enough to ask God to forgive the evil ones killing him! He LOVES YOU and will RENEW your strength. … THose of you with children or blood relatives whom you believe are Sociopaths, ask GOD to help deliver the Evil … Even the nonrelatives whom you loved. Remember, it is up to the individual to choose Good or Evil. God revealed that my X was a permanent EVIL. … You can believe me or not, but I AM FREE now from the TORMENT that this man caused. I would love to talk. God bless you all. REMEMBER, YOU ARE LOVED!!! Gina
November 7th, 2011 at 18:56
How many of you have had your sociopath look you in the eyes with a look that seemed-not of this world? Your skin crawls and one victim expressed it— “as a look that he would eat/consume me as a wild animal does his prey if he could.” Also described as –”the creepiest eyes I have ever seen.” Humans are disposable to the sociopath. Relatives are no different. He would have let our son die if I hadn’t rescued my son. Just curious about the evil preditory experiences of any readers. ???
December 30th, 2011 at 17:25
I believe I have had experiences with two sociopaths.
One was a 2 year relationship with a parasitic type. He lived with me for over a year without paying rent except partially for one month. He was a control freak even though he would go out til all hours or all night. Afterward, I could not believe what I had put up with. I have never been the type to put up with this type of behavior. I thought I was in love & I thought I could somehow get back the guy he was at the beginning. I did feel quite victimized & foolish after this experience.
On the other hand, I picked myself back up & recognized that it was not about me. He was smooth & slowly sucked me in. I also realized he was NEVER the guy he was at the beginning & that was fake to start with. It’s not that I did something to mess it up. It’s not that he stopped feeling love for me. None of that was ever really there for him in the first place. He was a big con. I do ultimately believe I went through that experience for a reason & move forward positively.
For those of you who feel like victims, please don’t allow your experience to ruin any more of your life. Live & learn. (I know that makes it sound more simplistic than it is… it’s your life though & you can or have taken back control of it now.) It wasn’t a negative reflection of you. It was a “flaw” in someone else.
My second experience is with my brother’s wife. It only recently occurred to me that she fits this profile to a T… In fact, without this as the explanation, very little she has said or done to me makes any sense at all. She is constantly attacking me & claiming to be offended or hurt by things that she has either misunderstood or weren’t even about her at all… when I have attempted to explain the real meaning or explain that she is taking something personally when it’s only my opinion or it’s not about her at all, it only caused the situation to spiral out of control… she took more offense & got to the point where she refused to invite me to anything involving their kids until I apologized.
I have NEVER said anything intentionally cruel, although I do honestly express my opinion with as much tact as I possibly can. She has been intentionally cruel & malicious (although I don’t typically let the opinions of others bother me & this is no different). I mainly wanted her to stop being so angry at me all the time so I could be around my brother without so much tension. She blamed me for the tension because if I would do everything her way, she would have no reason to be mad (short version).
For some reason, my brother backs her up in this, even though everyone else assures me I don’t need to change anything… except they say little to her or my brother about it for fear of being cut out & not seeing their grandchildren themselves. I am incredibly forgiving, understanding & compassionate so I did manage to find a way to sincerely apologize that the situation had caused her pain. She was quite ungracious about it & even clearly stated that she had done nothing “wrong” (which by her meaning of the word is far from true), although I was included in the next family event they hosted.
Personally, I don’t need an apology or remorse in order to forgive someone, so that didn’t matter much to me. Not long after though (less than a month), she managed to go back to her old ways & find some complaint to blow up. She lied to my Dad to attempt to damage our relationship, which I have no concern over because he sees her true colors (although I don’t think to the extent I do). I didn’t engage with her this time though & it’s a very powerful way to deal with someone like this.
By NOT responding at all, it takes all their power away. Now I have decided to disengage from any relationship with her at all. Of course, I will never trust her (I haven’t for at least a few years now). I will still be there for my brother. However, she & her words & her actions will never harm me again… she is vapor to me.
No matter what has happened, you can be in charge of your life now. You didn’t do anything wrong, no matter what the sociopath has said. Don’t let them convince you. Please don’t be a victim anymore.
December 31st, 2011 at 06:58
I’ve been targeted by sociopaths through work.
The first I worked for as a contractor, then an employee. He was superficially charming gregarious in public and well liked by peers, but verbally abusive to volunteers and employees. It started after awhile. He’d go off into abusive rants out of nowhere. He spent his work hours moderating forums instead of working. Later I found out he kicked people of forums he didn’t like, later he kicked me off. He is now on many industry boards and panels. It was all about control and power. While I worked with him he talked badly and as a victim of many people in the organization and other stakeholders. It was as if everyone was out to get him and I became suspicious of these people.
He created problems between people I was to encounter by biasing me and them with historical problems. He told me about former employees that had attempted to sue him but hadn’t succeeded. He gave me inadequate resources expected me to achieve the unachievable in my role and threw me under the bus with his superiors. I never undermined him or talked badly, but when I tried to get a replacement for my role so I could move on, he wrote the girl an abusive letter about me which she passed on to me. I was shocked and warned her not to take the job.
He became increasingly verbally abusive. I resigned and took up a project independently that I had attracted to the organisation as a contractor and was running solo. He had forbidden me to work on the project and this was the primary factor for leaving. He then wrote tailored letters discrediting me and questioning my competence to a huge pool of stakeholders that I had bought to the centre. This had a huge influence on the success of the project and the resultant chaos of people dropping out and crisis management made his words seem plausible. He created every problem. What a psycho!
He literally destroyed my reputation and Burgeoning career. I should have sued him for defamation. I was too shocked and unsure of myself. I moved cities instead and started again.
5 years later and Im reeling from another psychopath in business. This one is the CEO of a non profit corporation. I worked for this organization for 2 years as a contractor on some very successful projects but they kept cutting my budgets and exploiting me to “extract as much value” (quote) as possible from me. In the end I was working 16 hour days 7 days a week doing loads of work that wasn’t in my contract that they had failed to do on time.
If I didn’t do it my work would not be ready on time and I would be in breach of contract. I had begun to ask for additional payment for my additional work. Then they began to actively interfere in my work so that i would not be able to complete my work. In the end I suggested I would
challenge their breach of contract legally if they did not allow me to complete my work and focus on their own tasks and I refused to cut the budget below what I agreed to work with.
I asked to end the relationship after the project completed. They said they would take over the project (it was 11 days out from completion) and then sent a letter from their lawyer accusing me of not completing duties (all bogus) demanding I did not contact any stakeholders and directing that they owned all my contractors that I had independently bought to the project. This project had a huge amount of stakeholders all of which I had dealt with regularly and the ripples of this caused a number of these stakeholders to cancel projects lined up with me.
Psychopath CEO. The stupid part is the CEO wanted to keep their actions secret, which I haven’t. He expected me to sign I document agreeing to be taken off the project. I have so much evidence to show I went above and beyond and the projects were undeniably successful. It was as if
he thought he had gotten everything he could out of me and could just steam roll over without any backlash. I could have destroyed the project but cared about the contractors being paid, but I was not silent. I think psycho CEOs in non profit orgs aren’t particularly smart psychos. I was more useful to them appeased than destroyed to their interests and as a non profit being a bully is not a good look.
I am positive the CEO is a psycho due to his pleasure in squeezing people and the exploitative attitude I encountered among the org culture and the things I overheard. He also told me that he was home alone while his family was away on holidays… it just made sense. The other psycho that has tormented me is the most insidious. He was my flatmate for 3 years. I would have moved but had a home office and could not afford to (mainly due to psychos damaging my business).
I didn’t realize he was a sociopath for most of that time. I just thought he was socially awkward and not very perceptive. I felt sorry for him and tried to socialize with him for that reason. He sat all his leisure time on the computer doing??? He was a lazy sociopath and all his efforts went into reducing his “chores”. to begin with he tried to trick me into doing his chores, then when I decided just to do my own he started washing his dish, cup and pots once a week ( no rinsing, the same stuff reused).
His room and everything he touched was putrid. After a year or so my boyfriend told me I was losing my social skills because I was communicating too much with my flatmate. My flatmate had dropped any facial expression and looked at me deadpan (too lazy to mimic at home). You know the empty stare and the angry stare if you’ve been around a sociopath who isn’t hiding. He never hid his lack of empathy or inability to put himself in anyone elses shoes. He told me stories of horrible things he did at work to people and seemed to think that was how everyone is. Was he unaware he was a socio?
He told me how he observed intimidating behaviour and copied it and put it into practice – eg glaring at people on trains, shaving his head so people found him scary. Communicating with a deadpan sociopath is very confusing. The trouble started when i distanced myself from him. He was very very angry. He was always angry at everything anyway (chores, things not his way in the house) and talked to himself out loud. At one stage he would wake up every morning pacing muttering “fucking bitch fucking bitch” down the corridor till he went to work.
Then came the knives. He left 2 strategically placed knives on counter edges as if there was someone hunting him. I asked him to stop and he denied it. Then one day I caught him in the corridor practicing stabbing with 2 knives. He was drinking lots of alcohol every evening and I became scared of him, then one day he menaced me when I suggested he could’t see things from another persons perspective. He was so scary! He would not leave my room.
I put locks on my door after this and started to look for other places to live, but his weirdness touched others too. He would freak out girls who worked with me in the house with his piercing stare. He would come into my office and just stand there saying nothing staring angrily. Men didn’t see it but women found him very creepy. He would stand outside my door breathing loudly. It was such a very scary time. He believed in revenge for the strange things he perceived as slights. This was anything he believed effected his dominance. This could be moving a shoe, or any tiny petty thing.
While he lived here i lived in his house tip toeing on eggshells. On weekends in the end, i hid in my locked room being quiet hoping he would focus his massive anger elsewhere. My theory is he wanted power but he just really is too lazy and not that socially bright to achieve it. He really could’t understand other people well and my theory is that because he was unable to understand what motivates others he would try and hurt me in ways that would hurt him.
He lived on his computer. He loved little petty revenges and the little things he didn’t hide, but one of his favorites was breaking hard drives. Every hard drive I had lasted less than 3 months. Once my laptop Hardrive went and my laptop was actually twisted from being dropped. When I got an iPad he asked to read the manual to see how hard you would have to drop it to kill the drive…He had no idea of what was normal thought
processes!
In the end I think he was exposed at work, he’d talked about being called a bully and had a couple of sudden leave periods. He finally moved! I knew there would be some little revenge plan, and sure enough he took off earlier than he’d said leaving no forwarding address no bill money and his uncleaned, encrusted rooms ewwwwww! But he was gone! At least he didn’t kill me!
Later I found out that all the neighbors far and wide and even the real-estate either thought he was a scary serial killer type or at least mentally ill. He did lots of really odd things in public, either bullying or socially weird. I feel much better now he is gone, but am told I’ve got some domestic violence victim symptoms. I think though with being targeted by socios through work and in my home I’m very mistrustful and like to keep my distance from people.
The first thing happened in 2006, but the flatmate esculated 18 months ago and the recent work socio was 6 months ago. I have panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder, not just because of this but also because these things have effected my work and finances. The panic attacks happen in situations where I feel like I have absolutely no control and I feel bullied or targeted by some relentless force. It’s either breathing then dizziness or irritability and sometimes uncontrollable tears.
I was really low just before my flatmate left and could not imagine life being better. I sincerely thought he might kill me and hiding quietly in my room was pretty awful. No one I confided in believed he was that dangerous. I felt crazy. It was reassuring when I discovered that neighbours could see he was a nut. When he left I was overjoyed though I thought he might come back and kill me
for a few weeks afterwards.
I’m aware I’m damaged. I handled it well until the last 6 months. I don’t know how long it will take to recover, but I feel it’s the mistrust of my own judgement and people and being open to being targeted that’s the biggest issue. Can they smell me? I’m very empathetic and a pleaser. I’m also a workhorse and have a lot of ideas and creativity to exploit. I try and collaborate and share, so that’s helpful for psychos.
How do I stay me and protect myself. How do I stay clear of psychos now that I’ve got my eyes open?
–
Also why is no one campaigning to take the taboo out of of sociopathy? If they are in the feel good non profit sector, I assure you they are at every level causing havoc and destroying good people. They’ve really cramped my style!
January 3rd, 2012 at 01:07
@ Cin …
Thank you for sharing your special poem. Your words are filled with strength. I hope all continues to improve for you.
January 3rd, 2012 at 02:07
@ Gina …
You obviously have a very strong belief that your faith has had an extraordinary affect on your situation. I’m happy for you. It’s important to find what helps you to remove yourself from the evil influences any way you can.
You do make a somewhat confusing statement, though, that “it is up to the individual to choose good or evil.” But you immediately follow that with “God revealed that my X was a permanent Evil.” How can the two sentences both be true?
In summary, I read it to mean that you’re saying that your ex chose a life of evil before he was born.
Mental illness has probably been around since the beginning of man. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), as well as NPD, OCD, APD, etc., are all in the category of mental illnesses (i.e., diseases). There is no such thing as a “normal person” since everyone is “wired” differently, some having more crossed wires than others.
I look at all this very logically. Based on what you are saying, it would appear that we all choose our wiring before birth. And not just regarding ASPD, but one would have to extend this theory to all diseases, implying, for example, that someone with diabetes chose to be a diabetic. Candidly, I personally believe that that’s logically ludicrous.
Studies have proven that those afflicted with ASPD have physical brain abnormalities that are present at birth … choice? I don’t see that a clinically-diagnosed psychopath chose their destiny. ASPD, like diabetes, is strongly genetic (hereditary) and not contagious.
Just being a really bad person does not automatically make an individual a psychopath, either. IMHO, praying for a psychopath to get better would produce about the same results as praying for a Type 1 diabetic to get better.
I am not expecting to change your views, nor am I attempting to offend. I will not get into my spirituality, as I’m just replying to your comment with candor, based in science fact.
January 3rd, 2012 at 04:23
@ Jen …
I believe that many will relate to your 2 year relationship, I being one of them. There always seems to be that feeling that things are not right just now, but they will be again. And they can be, if the psychopath sees a good reason to use that manipulation. It can be very skillfully played out to keep that carrot just within reach.
Your big problem is obviously with your sister-in-law — family doesn’t go away like a partner can. I would have to blame this on your brother for forgetting his first family, you as his sister. He should meet with you privately and be open-minded to listen. Easier said than done, I know.
He’s somewhat in the same place you were, that is having a partner that’s a psychopath. It’s he you need to get through to, and not his wife. If you can’t do that, then you’re doing about the only thing left — disengage. Your brother may be so brainwashed with lies, and you may not be able to get through to him any time soon, if ever. I know what that feels like.
Write them off and get your life back. You are #1.
January 23rd, 2012 at 09:36
I know now why my Sociopath chose me. First, I believe I was in the wrong place at the right time. I was eazly to manuipulate. I never had any one in my life who really was out to hert me. And that cost me a career and ten years of my life. I am still looking for desent employment and it has been about three years.
At the end, I just got up and left the whole area. I lost every one around me. They believe I was a Sociopath and meny other things he was, but in fact he made it look that way. I was really mest up for about a year for what I went through. And the whole ten years still get to me every day. For about a year, I could not do a thing, the depresion was that bad. My Sociopath was a friend and co-worker. His career went on and I lost mine.
February 16th, 2012 at 18:58
What a thought provoking thread this is and truly helpful for thoseof us working to rebuild our lives after exposure to a sociopath.
I display in spades every sign of being a perfect sociopathic victim and despite realising this some five years ago have just spent two years in yet another relationship with an “it”.
My two relationships with sociopaths ended in the very same way…they rather than I basically spun out of control as after two years they couldn’t rationally explain their behaviours which became increasingly bizarre. In the end they just lied and manipulated so blatantly that even a diagnosed pathological accomodator like myself couldn’t believe them.
At the age of 47 I hope I have had my last relationship with one of these alien beings.
Whilst I have a long way to go I do offer these heartfelt tips to anyone who is going through this mightmare.
1. Trust your intincts……..they will scream at you that something is not right but your need for love or a relationship can often override what is a natural and healthy inner voice that screams run away. If you find yourself having to construct an ever more elaborate internal justification for accepting unusual behaviour in a partner….STOP thinking and trust your feelings.
2. Talk to other about new relationships….paticularly good and long term friends and close family members….this is not disloyalty it is comon sense and it is what friends and family are for. They do not have a vested interest in controlling you and can see things from outside the intense romantic whirlwind that the sociopath creates.
3. Heed their advice even if at the time it is painful.
4. Be totally honest and open with your partner (even a sociopath) about your concerns and others viewpoints. If they are not a sociopath they will understand….if they are they will disengage and you will be saved.
5. Be true to yourself…do not allow the sociopath to become your moral arbiter or spirit guide…..falling into codependency is a massive risk in any relationship but with a sociopath it is complete capitulation.
6. Pity the sociopath as you would a person with an infectious terminal illness…….you cannot cure them and you risk your own life by exposure to them.
7. Concentrate your energy on being you and caring for those you are truly responsible for not those who constantly tell you they need you.
8. When something a sociopath says doesn’t ad up don’t take a half answer or let is rest….assert and trust your perceptions….keep asking until it makes sense to you or the truth is revealed (the sociopath will not tell you the truth but trust me you will be able to see it).
9. Do not be afraid of the sociopath you are a better stronger person than they are…that is why they want to feed off you.
10. When the mask has fallen walk away find positive things and projects that do not conflict or confuse you…..it can hurt but better to live as a whole person in an imperfect and challenging world than lose your soul trying to maintain a warped dream.
11. Be true to yourself.
February 19th, 2012 at 10:50
Yes, interesting thread. Great list, Sean.
Victim traits 5 and 6:
A belief that if you love enough the person will change.
A belief that if you love enough the relationship will succeed.
We are all socialized, from a very early age to believe this.
No-brainer, easy to understand, case in point: What happens to the Grinch at the end? His heart grows and bursts the wooden box inside his chest, and he changes, because the Whos still sing the praises of Christmas, even without the material things the Grinch stole. (Btw, the Grinch also displays the socio/psychopathic smile/grimace – they all have it, especially as they age.) We are all socialized early by Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel) these days, much more than by any other works, including the Bible (Geisel echoed the love messages in the Bible in a secular, non-scary way.)
John Lennon and a myriad of philosophers and poets throughout the ages encouraged the same – love conquers all.
Those of us who’ve been within a thread of being completely destroyed by our socio/psychopaths know extremely well (hindsight knowledge) that our unconditional and ever-hopeful love did nothing to change them. In fact, they banked on our outpourings, and utilized them to suck us dry.
So, the things that work with normals, simply do not work with socio/psychopaths.
So, should we, as a culture, eliminate encouraging love?
No.
But learning the markers and manipulation methods, and then taking early red flags very, very seriously, is important in order to avoid them, and avoid wasting one’s life enmeshed with them. The key is, as soon as they let a bit of their masks drop, then withdraw your love, especially if they have family of origin dysfunction and/or childhood traumas, for which they’ve never completed therapy.
This site is a great one in spreading awareness.
Being born into a family of them is unavoidable, unfortunately.
And this, Larry, is where God can come in. We can still choose the path of recovery, as hard as it is, while we’re here on earth (especially when there’s so much ignorance and invalidation, and enabling of the socio/psychopaths around us…so much injustice – the true heartbreak – we grieve that there’s so little justice), because there actually will be justice in the very end.
Last background note: I grew up in an atheist family of medical doctors. (Btw, these atheists walk a much more Christian walk than most proclaimed Christians I know – the Christian church is a favorite hiding place of socio/psychopaths.) I now know, with 100% certainty, that God exists.
In other words, yes, my believe could be viewed as a need to hang onto “justice will prevail” in order to keep standing, but based on my real-life events that are inexplicable, except when viewed from a supernatural lens, I can give the hope to others that God is real and will handle the separation at the gates. (We all see the light after death, we all go before Him, but then, we are accountable for our lives. Some will go through the gates, and some will not.)
In the mean time, here on earth, this site is helping others in a very real way.
The new research on brain plasticity also gives hope. (MIT physics / neuroscience prof, Sebastian Seung’s new book, “Connectomes,” is the latest among many that show “We are more than our genes.”)
Lastly, I believe we should all be contacting local legislators, and lobbying to change especially family law courts, whose judges are completely clueless about the socio/psychopaths they enable. When the children of divorce observe their destructive parent not being held accountable, then it sets them up to think, “Why should I bother being good? It wins to be bad.”
This must change, or it truly will be a sociopath eat sociopath world for our grandchildren and the generations to come.
March 29th, 2012 at 23:51
This is for GINA in Denver.
Gina, I am in the same place, and in the same boat.
Feel free to let me know you’re still out there and meanwhile hang on, those kids of ours were worth even this miserable nightmare that went along with them.
March 30th, 2012 at 23:21
Hi Kathy,
Yes, I am here! … I am doing GREAT, in fact! … My post that you read was awhile back. … I am rebuilding my life. You are right. Our kids are the GOLD that came out of the nightmare. I have two grown kids, who both have good consciences and BIG HEARTS. … I know they are still somewhat confused, but have come a long way. … I also believe that GOD delivers the innocent out of these lives, at His time… and helps us to rebuild and find PEACE. … Not sure if they will let us share personal email addresses and cell numbers on this site, but I would love to talk more in depth with you? … THANK YOU SO MUCH for the message
… I am so glad that you too know that our kids made it worth it! Hope to talk again.
God bless,
Gina
March 31st, 2012 at 02:30
Dear Gina,
I only wish I was on the “repair” side of this equation and am inspired to learn you are doing so much better!!
Here’s my story:
I was married in 1983 to a guy who “rescued” me after I lost a baby and a fellow. You know the story: seemed like the dream come true. Had two beautiful children, both daughters, now both college graduates. BUT….
In 2001, quit his long-time job at a public school district and decided to retire. He was 45, our youngest child was only 13, and by the time he finally got up and got another job it was 2005 and we were bankrupt. It was like a war: he didn’t just “not get” another job, he REFUSED TO WORK until we bled out … in retaliation for not being asked back by the school district (in his warped mind, this was somehow not his fault).
Fast forward to 2010 and the man inherits from his father. At this point, we’ve been married well over 25 years, right? A woman appears in the picture, she works with him and they’ve purportedly been accused of having an affair (he tells our daughter he got into trouble about this, not me). He tells me he “doesn’t feel the same about (me) and the kids.” He abandons me and the kids. He wants to keep the money.
We were sold.
Once he used us to convince his father he was worthy of inheriting and could “live the same as his father had lived,” there wasn’t anymore need for us, so … well, you know.
I tell the kids it’s alcoholism. They have to know better. Every day is a torment, feeling my own pain and feeling theirs too.
Whew! thanks for letting me tell you, I feel better.
Good to meet you, Gina, and bless you right back!