The Accidental Discovery :: My Sibling is a Sociopath
PART 1: Events Leading up to the First Red Flag.

 

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Synopsis (full series) :: This is the detailed story about how I discovered, at the age of 50, that my oldest sister is a sociopath. Due to the story’s length, I broke this into multiple parts, but the time covered is actually a few weeks over the second quarter of 2003. Even though she exhibited signs of problems over her entire life, it all came down to one little accident — the first red flag — and how I was determined to find where it led.

Synopsis (part 1) :: Part #1 provides a brief background as to what led up to the first red flag. I raised my son and daughter as a solo parent since pre-school. Now in middle-school, my son (who I’ll refer to as DK for his privacy) had become the target of bullies, and with the school in denial about any bully problem, I decided to find an alternative for him on my own.

Target Audience :: Anyone interested in learning more about those with the personality disorders, commonly referred to as sociopaths. More specifically: those who are suspicious of someone they’ve known for a very long time, such as a member of the family. This may help identify the signs and to avoid making the mistakes I made — mistakes that led to my character being destroyed, and becoming a pariah.

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From his pre-school years, my son DK showed a strong knack for logic, intelligence and wit … well beyond his years. That was supported in his annual test scores, the national testing meant to compare students nationwide, by age and grade.

He consistently scored in the top 1% in both science and mathematics, and the top 10% is just about everything else. DK had read more books by the time he hit middle school than I’ve read in my entire life. And in sixth grade, he was invited to attend our state university’s Saturday School for the Gifted.

It was about the time he started middle school, when I noticed his friends were not coming around as they had. I casually asked on multiple occasions, but each time he avoided any real discussion about it, and I saw no reason to push it … at least not with him.

Considering his personality type, I suspected he had been targeted by bullies, and that was eventually confirmed.

After the school’s ongoing denials about the bully problem — except for one brave teacher — another incident occurred in March, 2003, that had been witnessed by a volunteer (parent) on lunch duty. It would be tough for them to continue to deny it.

The biggest shock was when school administers implied the fault was his (i.e., the victim), and he should get help. It was a Tuesday, and I told his counselor that I would be taking him out of school for at least the remainder of the week, and hopefully more, while he and I considered our options.

Next, Part 2 shows what a red flag looks like …

 

The Accidental Discovery :: My Sibling is a Sociopath
PART 2: How I almost missed that Red Flag.

 
… con’t from Part 1

Five days had passed since I pulled my son DK out of school. Due to the school’s inability, or more precisely, unwillingness to recognize their student-on-student harassment problem, I was forced to tackle it myself, at least as for my son. Once again, though, it seemed like the bad guys had scored another victory … but they had accomplices: the school administration.

By Sunday morning, my sketchy plan was to file a formal complaint with the Board of Education, talk to the police, and if need be, an attorney. I’d complete the details by day’s end.

An unexpected call from Kathy

Shortly after noon, the phone rang. It was a call from my sister, Kathy.

I recall she sounded upbeat, saying we hadn’t spoken in a while, and she just wanted to chat and see how we were doing. It was not something she did often, but just occasionally — maybe once every year or two. Even though distracted with the issues I was facing, I began sharing information about us as a family in general.

I recall the very next thing she asked was how the kids were doing. Although I did not want to share much detail about my DK’s situation, I began with talking about how my daughter EK was doing. Eventually, I segued to my son, saying …
continue reading…

The Accidental Discovery :: My Sibling is a Sociopath
PART 3: The One Small Lie and Red Flag #2

 
… con’t from Part 2

My son, DK, had now been in Arizona for a few days. Kathy and I had been on the phone regularly. By the end of the week, though, the number of our calls decreased substantially. It was during one of those, I remembered that I needed to share the information concerning Julie.

Since Kathy had no idea that I was aware of their communication, it was only natural for me to begin with a question …

“… oh, and before I forget: Have you been in touch with Julie?“

“No.”

RED FLAG: That was not the correct answer.

As simple as it was, I thought I confused her. So, I rephrased it …

“I’m sorry, let me try that one again: Have you been communicating with Julie, you know, by email or by phone?”

“No, I don’t even remember the last time we spoke.”

Except I knew with 100% certainty that Julie and Kathy spoke the previous weekend. At that point, I dropped it, as if it were no big deal.

But, it was a big deal.
continue reading…

The Accidental Discovery :: My Sibling is a Sociopath
PART 4: Body English: Physical Reactions while Lying

 
… con’t from Part 3

It was now less than two weeks before my scheduled trip to Mesa. As I stated in part 3, this was to fulfill my week-long obligation to house-sit and kid-sit for Kathy and Marlin while they were out of town.

As I planned, after those first phone calls with Kathy, I did not mention anything relating to Julie or Kathy’s mystery denials of communication. During that month, my 10-year-old daughter returned from one of her mom-visitation-weekends, with a question …

“Dad, isn’t Aunt Kathy your sister?”

“Yes she is.”
continue reading…

The Accidental Discovery :: A Sociopath in the Family
PART 5: When Plans Backfire on a Sociopath

 
… con’t from Part 4

On the morning of Kathy’s and Marlin’s departure, Kathy told me that they would have a stop-over in Salt Lake City, and that if I needed to get in touch with her, just leave a message on her cell, and she’d check it when they landed.

I remember that hit me as odd, since that would be only two hours after their flight left, and I didn’t plan to speak with them for the week they’d be gone. While driving them to the airport, she said it again, so that time it raised a flag. I didn’t ask anything, but I wondered what she was expecting me to call about.

“Surprise … I lied.”

continue reading…

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Synopsis :: The most common question seems to be: “How do I identify a sociopath?”  I believe it’s the wrong question.

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Out of every 100 people, approximately 90 have at least one sociopath in their circle of friends. Those remaining 10 people are the sociopaths. Estimates vary anywhere from 4% to 12% of those waiting in line with us at the grocery store are sociopaths. These personality disorders, categorized as sociopathic, are very misunderstood by the general population, especially in accepting the fact that they are extremely prevalent and dangerous.

I believe the first matter to deal with is to shed the denial. Of course, that’s very difficult to convince people of the reality … and for some, it’s virtually impossible. What is equally as prevalent and dangerous, as the condition itself, is the rampant denial. I am still baffled as to why otherwise intelligent people allow themselves to be controlled and manipulated, by very shrewd and cunning sociopaths. The only theory I have is that some people are much more susceptible to being brainwashed, to a level that I truly cannot comprehend.

Most are never diagnosed, though, and that’s for one very simple reason: they do not want to be diagnosed. There is no blood-test-type diagnostic procedure providing a positive or negative result. A confirmed diagnosis relies on the suspected sociopath being honest with their answers to the psychologist. Hello? Based on that alone, it’s quite easy to understand why there are relatively few, clinically-diagnosed sociopaths.

“How do I identify a sociopath?”

That’s the most common question, and I believe, it’s the wrong question. continue reading…

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Synopsis :: What’s the first image that comes to mind when you think of a sociopath? Is it a crazed, demented, serial murderer? Or, is it that special person in your office who everyone likes, always seems happy, willing to help others, and generally, just a real charming individual?

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Yes, sociopaths are all the same in one aspect: each one is human (or resembles a human). There are no known canines.

But what about everything else? Isn’t it true that most, if not all, sociopaths are violent maniacs, serial killers … just completely insane?

Let’s evaluate this and determine the truth. If all sociopaths are the same, then it becomes a black-and-white issue. To avoid distraction, let’s take it to a very basic level using dots. A black dot and a white dot.

Which color dot is a sociopath?

Both black dots and white dots have a lot in common, though some people think they’re quite opposite [I don't see that].
continue reading…

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The difference between a Psychopath and Sociopath

First, some historical data:

Psychopath … This disorder was first defined and named ~1800 (in France, I believe) and has had its definition revised many times since.

Sociopath … A category of social disorders first defined 1980~1983, and has also been further defined.

One can also find that the term “psychopath” is no longer in use, and was replaced by “sociopath.”

On the other hand, “psychopath” can still be found in use by other reputable sources. So, if and when (i.e., until) a clear delineation is fully adopted, the following seems to be the generally-accepted difference …

A psychopath will use violence — even murder — if they consider it necessary to protect their persona, or simply to fulfill that part of their dementia.

A sociopath would not be driven to physical violence. Technically, though, I consider there to be little-to-no difference between the two, other than time.

A psychopath would have likely been defined as a sociopath before being caught for heinous acts. A sociopath, I believe, could well be driven to hostility based on what they are willing to risk if their activities bordered on becoming public.

Therefore, extreme physical violence clearly separates the two. But, they have much more in common, than in difference.
continue reading…

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Sharon (not her real name), 44, is a widow with two kids. Her husband died three months before their second child was born.

When we met, Sharon had been dating Brian for about 6-7 years. Sharon’s kids were in middle school. Brian had been planning a three-day weekend with his buddies to spend in Savannah — about a three hour drive.

On his way out of town Thursday night, Brian swung by Sharon’s and told her he’d stop by her place Sunday evening when they returned. And he did.

While Brian, Sharon and her kids ate dinner, he told them all about the drive down, the flat tire, the hotels, where and what they ate, and all their activities. As she told me, he talked for almost 90 minutes, right through dinner and dessert.

It got late, so he helped put the kids to bed, and a while later, he left. Just as Sharon was turning out all the lights, she spotted Brian’s camera. When he came in that evening, he said he had just a few empty frames on the roll, so he wanted to use them by taking photos of the kids. continue reading…

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At least in my case, I never set out to identify a sociopath. For me, it was usually just a naïve accident, being somewhere to either see or hear something, or innocently ask about something I saw or heard.

I’ve stepped in it twice … with almost ten years in-between.  Frankly, I didn’t step in it the second time, I fell into it.

If you become suspicious of someone as being a sociopath, you’ve got a couple choices, but with either one, you must be careful and stay observant. How do you become suspicious in the first place? The red flag. Something hits you as just not right. And it matters not how long you’ve known that person, as it could be someone you’ve known all your life.

I know that, for sure. I had just turned 50 when I discovered and confirmed that my oldest sister, Kathy, is a sociopath. Since then, she has done such damage to my character that it will probably never be undone.  continue reading…